September 12, 2014

Man vs. Guy

By Katie B.

man-vs-guyI am an avid reader, you might say, one with a particular love for fiction and the art of story-telling. I admire the ability of a writer to craft a story that captures the imagination of a reader and lures it into a rich world of discovery. The best fictional stories, in my opinion, are ones grounded with elements of realism. Instead of creating worlds and ideas based strictly on the impossible, these works of fiction give us a flavor of things we recognize while building upon their possibilities. These writers have a gift, not merely for painting into the picture that already exists, but also for clearly seeing the original picture and directing a reader’s attention to those details that will enrich his or her real-life experience, for those details aren’t make-believe; they are true.

Most often I see this flicker of truth come to life in a story’s depiction of men. Writers can justify writing about men as they are or should be without the usual nod to modern sex politics because, hey, it’s only a story, after all. These male fictional characters are brave. They pursue their target—whether it be a female, an enemy, or an achievement—with confidence. They are in control of their emotions without being passionless; they don’t wait for authority to be given to them, they take it. They are generally wise. They recognize strength, for they know it within themselves and they don’t fear it in others. Men like Jane Austin’s Mr. Darcy, Sherlock Holmes, Aragorn from Lord of the Rings, King Arthur, Atticus Finch (To Kill a Mockingbird), and James Bond both entrance and inspire us. They are, each in their own way, great men, strong men, deserving of admiration and even love for the ways in which they better the world and the people around them.

The “guy” is a breed of male who, to me, makes an impression that is fleeting and almost ineffectual. Having been verbally castrated with a gender neutralized reference that banishes him somewhere between boyhood and metrosexualism, the guy is hard to take seriously by serious women—outside of, perhaps, interest in his wallet.

As I recognize these traits of real masculinity, I can’t help but ask, what has happened to men? You know, men in the real world (not in fiction). Why is crossing the path of a man who embodies the truths these stories echo such a rare occurrence? I have encountered only a handful men who were examples of the masculinity I naturally crave as a woman and it is more than just a little frightening to me that evidence of that type of masculinity seems to be ever dwindling.

From my vantage point, the standard of masculinity that is modeled in modern men is slowly being morphed into something that bears little resemblance to generations of men past. In American culture, at least, it seems we have traded in our understanding of traditional male identity for a washed-out version that inspires despondency. Today, instead of men, we have somewhat dubious “guys.”

The “guy” is a breed of male who, to me, makes an impression that is fleeting and almost ineffectual. Having been verbally castrated with a gender neutralized reference that banishes him somewhere between boyhood and metrosexualism, the guy is hard to take seriously by serious women—outside of, perhaps, interest in his wallet. He is a living effigy burdened by misandrist caricatures like the simple, needy fool with a raging Oedipus complex that women condescendingly accept into their lives and then proceed to wisely manage or the well-meaning, comic bumbler who always screws important things up. The guy wasn’t always this way. At one time, we called adult males men. Men were respected and hardly the constant butt ends of degrading jokes used in countless commercials, movies, and modern sitcom punchlines.1

So where did the term “guy” come from, anyway? The origin of the word is actually quite peculiar in that it’s an eponym from a person in history once named “Guy.” His full name was Guy Fawkes, a Catholic dissident who was hanged in England for his involvement in what came to be known as the “Gunpowder Plot” in 1605.  Fawkes and his co-conspirators had schemed to blow up the Parliament while King James I and the aristocracy held opening council inside.  Fawkes’ plan, we’re told, was foiled only at the last moment of attempting to light the fuses of gunpowder-filled barrels that had been smuggled into a cellar beneath the Parliament.2

The thwarting of the Gunpowder Plot made November 5th “Guy Fawkes Day,” which became a holiday in England marked by bonfires, fireworks, and burning straw effigies of Fawkes. These incendiary dolls were called “guys,” and the term guy later on came to be associated with a person of bizarre appearance. Somewhere in the 19th century, “guy” became associated with “man,” and more recently, the term has taken on a gender-neutral quality. On that note, if you research gender language you’ll find the term “guy” is one of a growing number of male-oriented terms that are being embraced as “gender-neutral.” In 1999 Steven J. Clancy wrote an article for American Speech entitled “The Ascent of Guy” in which he said:

“The word guy so pervades American speech that a detailed account of it would hardly seem necessary, yet the multiple meanings of the word guy are quite complex… Contemporary English is in a schismatic state between those who make use of or prescribe generic nouns and pronouns, such as man and he ‘human being’, and those who view these constructions as signs of a deeply sexist structure of English.”

At the height of feminist critique and criticism of the generic use of “man” and “he,” the gender-neutral use of guy rose in popularity. As Clancy put it: “Contrary to everything we might expect because of the pressures of ‘politically correct’ putative language reforms, a new generic noun is developing right before our eyes.”

Fast forward to 2014 and we notice that somehow the word guy has largely escaped common scrutiny and is widely accepted as non-gender specific. Perhaps guy is considered permissible because, unlike man which denotes arguably dominant masculinity, guy reflects, instead, a state of neutralized masculinity.

Now, you might be thinking, “it’s only a word,” and that’s certainly true. It would be easy to think of something so small as relatively harmless if it weren’t for the fact that the gender language being neutralized is exclusively (and originally) male terminology and that younger generations of men are strongly identifying themselves with a term that has been, for all intents and purpose, emasculated. I know that when I hear the term guy, I think of phrases like “he’s a nice guy” and words like “irresponsible.” The pictures the word brings to my mind are of young men, acting somewhat like overgrown kids without a care in the world. Guys are casual and easy and the term just doesn’t carry the weight that “man” does. It seems to me that I’m not alone in these observations. Many seem to be noticing the decline of the masculine in our modern age, from the average person you may pass on the street to solid research that is calling to light the decline of men in workplaces and universities,3 and even the decline of male  fertility.4 The encroachment of gender-neutral social engineering is evident as well, especially in younger generations, where young males are far more amenable to such engineering. Outside of clinical studies, the decline of men and the lack of interest in issues facing men today have been questioned by several authors like Warren Farrel, Christina Hoff Sommers, Helen Smith, Suzanne Venker, Leonard Sax, and even Camile Paglia. But what would cause men to want to accept lessened masculinity through the modern “guy culture?” Guy culture is cultivated, I believe, through two major things: the first is a lack of good male role models; the second, which comes later, involves  a man’s  increasing willingness to become a sort of passive gender-neutral individual with a penis who talks and acts like much like a woman does in order to be accepted, respected, and, most of all, desired by contemporary women.

While true masculinity is marked by its understanding of and ability to cope with reality, the modern guy seems more inclined to run from it—and who can blame him?

In this day and age, fathers rarely have much presence in the life of young children and education lends very little in the way of male role models. According to the US Census Bureau, 24 million children in America—one out of every three—live in biological father-absent homes.5 USA Today reported in 2012 that the Bureau of Labor Statistics found that only 2% of preschool and kindergarten teachers and 18% of elementary and middle-school teachers are men.6 At the present time, a child’s most formative years are dominated by female authority figures.

“In the modern techno-industrial culture, it is possible to proceed from infancy into senility without ever knowing manhood.” —Edward Abbey

Generations of boys in the past spent large amounts of time with their fathers. They learned to emulate their father’s behaviors, thought processes, and interactions with other people. In many cases they saw the harder parts of life, but eventually learned that work worth doing was worth doing well. They learned how to set their minds to a task and achieve their goals. Most importantly, time spent with their fathers instilled in them a confidence of what it meant to be a man. Today, many boys at their earliest stages of life are left to be shaped by the hands of women: mothers, childcare workers, and teachers. In the absence of a father’s presence, women, for the most part, become the responsible parties for sending a boy forth into the word as a man, but again, for the post part, they don’t live up to the task. After his studies on fatherly influence, Ronald Rohner, the director of the Center for the Study of Interpersonal Acceptance and Rejection at the University of Connecticut, told LiveScience in an interview, “We’re now finding that not only are fathers influential, sometimes they have more influence on kids’ development than moms.”

Should anyone question the importance of fathers, we might consider the fact that youths in father-absent families have significantly higher odds of being imprisoned than those from dual-parent families (a little over 2 to 1) and about 90% of these youths are male.7 Further, a carefully designed Swedish population-based study of almost one million children reported a twofold increased risk of psychiatric disease, suicide, attempted suicide, alcohol- and narcotics-related diseases for boys and girls living in a one-parent household, and for all causes of mortality in boys when compared with those in two-parent households.8

The statistics are plentiful, but the one truth that rings throughout all of them is the need for men to mentor other men—something which has always been vitally important for major human civilizations to thrive. Beyond the single-parent home and its issues lie cultural influences set upon males today, and one of the most toxic is instilling fear and self-hatred in the male half of our population. The negative result of this misandrist influence is perhaps most clearly evidenced by the higher rates of male suicide (3.0 to 7.5 times that of women) across much of the modern world.9 Health professionals have noted a paucity of advocacy and research devoted to the issue of lack of male role-models facing men. Instead of being guided in their natural strengths and being taught how to have confidence in taking authority and responsibility, boys are subjected to having their most natural instincts demonized. From a very early age they are groomed to believe that their intrinsic impulses are harmful at best and worthy of shame or punishment at worst. Society tells boys as often and as loudly as possible that true masculinity is unrefined and unintelligent. If no one is there to interfere and offer a counter message, these boys grow up believing that the word “man” is negative and synonymous with uncontrollable aggression, if not unadulterated stupidity. Collectively, we threaten boys and young men with all that their natures could cost them if they follow their natural desires too strongly. In response, men become more comfortable with identifying as guys because it poses less of a threat and allows them to fly obediently under the radar of ubiquitous feminist criticism.

While true masculinity is marked by its understanding of and ability to cope with reality, the modern guy seems more inclined to run from it—and who can blame him? In a world that is becoming more female-centric under the guise of equality, is it any wonder that guys would rather disengage? When boys are being surpassed by girls in school due to teacher bias10 and when men are losing jobs to women for the sake of political correctness11, can we really be surprised that authentic manhood has been rendered obsolete and that rather than fight the confinement, young men would rather take on the role of something more palatable? That something is guy culture.

a society in which manhood is discarded is a society made vulnerable from within, for it weakens that half of the society that are its protectors and builders.

In guy culture masculinity gets a makeover. Men trade their better judgment for trendiness and society condescendingly applauds their “evolution” into civilized human beings. The more they buy into the idea of absolute equality of the sexes, the more they are praised for their open-mindedness and better-than-average male intellect. The more they apologize for the crimes of their sex, the more they are accepted and “respected.”

“This PC gender politics thing—the way gender is being taught in the universities—in a very anti-male way, it’s all about neutralization of maleness.” – Camille Paglia

In the midst of this guy epidemic, male/female relationships are often thrown completely out of balance. A deep-seated unrest grows in both sexes as men opt for a less aggressive role in relationships while women grasp for control that is, in spite of what society has programed them to believe, often beyond their real interests. Women nonetheless use sex as a tremendously influential bargaining chip today and men say whatever they think will get them sex (just ask any one of us women), but I think that, ultimately, both are left dissatisfied and confused. Even for submissive females, the quest to find a man who understands what it actually means to be a man is a daunting task and many girls find themselves at a loss for how to find dominance in their mates. True masculinity seems so rare that even the slightest flicker of it is enough to make women of all ages and walks of life fall over themselves for whip-wielding billionaires and sparkly vampires, but even then the message being digested is this: true masculinity is a mythical creature. Females who date or search for mates find themselves frustrated and lost in a sea of flattering, overly cooperative, rules-following guys who, as willing as they are to tell them what they want to hear, somehow leave them feeling empty. Without unadulterated masculinity, femininity loses it’s corollary sense of purpose. A man can be self-sustaining, but women, I’ve experienced, often need a sun to organize their universe around. In spite of the best efforts of guys to assume the roles that modern culture would have them fulfill, females (eventually) become listless, unhappy, and disorganized. Depression, anxiety, and stress become common problems for women, I’ve observed, as their exposure to and relationship with noble masculine strength gradually lessens.

“In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function. We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful.” —C.S Lewis, The Abolition Of Man

So, what to do? I do not claim to have the answers for how to stop guy culture from spreading, but I know that it is gravely important that we do not let it pass unnoticed. We must not pretend that we do not see that men themselves are slowly but surely being neutralized and we must do whatever is necessary to avoid participating in that process. Men are the sentinels of the human social body; they assemble our world brick by brick and defend civilization from harm. In many societies, men are considered the spiritual heads of families.  I believe there is an old animal pragmatism behind all this, because a society in which manhood is discarded is a society made vulnerable from within, for it weakens that half of the society that are its protectors and builders.

I believe in giving honor and dignity back to men. I believe in fighting the surrounding influences (or lack thereof) within our modern world that tacitly allow men to enfeeble themselves. I believe in fighting misandry, the hatred of men, both well-hidden and clear to see. I believe that by accepting men as naturally ascendant again in our own relationships, we can do our little part in the world to take a stand against the extinction of the strong and reliable masculinity we know and love so much. We can show the world that a man can be thoughtful, sophisticated, kind, and wise—all while being strong, confident, courageous, and sanely dominant. We can show the world that a man can preside over his woman without being abusive and destructive, and that the woman who accepts her place at his side finds blissful fulfillment in her role of submission. We can reject the stupid stereotypes and demonization foisted upon men and choose to see the good in them instead. We can reject the “guy” and go for the man without feeling guilty in doing so.

This is not to say I believe in stereotyping men or keeping them in rigid line with an expected role ultimately for the service of women. This isn’t about “benevolent sexism.”

This matter, I believe, is one of simple supply and demand. If we as women, sincerely in our hearts desire sincere Men, I believe they will rise to meet those desires, and naturally so, but we mustn’t confuse our messages. We can’t keep this a secret desire we’re too embarrassed to admit openly while at the same time screaming at the top of our lungs that we don’t really need men. We shouldn’t settle for the virtually neutered guy when a strong masculine force of wisdom is what we really crave in our lives. Cutting out the nonsense and hearkening to the call of our natural instincts may not be the “correct” or “polite” thing to do this day and age, but I strongly feel that it will be far more rewarding for us in the end as women and men.

 

1. http://stupidmancommercials.blogspot.ch
2. http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/250010/Guy-Fawkes-Day
3. Autor and Wasserman (2013). Wayward Sons: The Emerging Gender Gap in Labor Markets and Education (MIT Department of Economics)
4. Swan, Elkin, and Fenster (1997) Have Sperm Densities Declined? A Reanalysis of Global Trend Data (California Department of Health Services)
5. http://www.census.gov/prod/2011pubs/p70-126.pdf
6. http://www.bls.gov/cps/cpsaat11.pdf
7. http://www.ric-fish.com/strengthenamerica/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/C3_father-absence-and-youth-incarceration.pdf
8. http://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736%2803%2912324-0/abstract
9. http://epirev.oxfordjournals.org/content/30/1/133.long
10. http://www.terry.uga.edu/~cornwl/research/cmvp.genderdiffs.pdf
11. http://www.weeklystandard.com/author/christina-hoff-sommers

____________________

© 2005-2014 Humbled Females

June 6, 2014

The Seven Steps

By Nina E.

seven-steps-steffensen

Artwork “The Supplicant” ©Paula Steffensen | www.paulasteffensen.com

Who This Is For

You sincerely wanted to be possessed by a man, not just by any man but by a strong, dominant man you could admire, respect, and even worship. So you ratcheted up your courage and approached such a man when he became visible to you, understanding that if you didn’t, you might never meet him—or anyone as good as him—as he’s likely not the type who chases women down. And, to your joy and gratification, he responded to you, he took your desire to get to know him and possibly serve him seriously. Now, while not “his” yet, you are beginning an exploration with him, or, as he puts it, you are “under his observation.”

So what happens next? You’ve won the prize, right? You’ve been accepted by the man of your dreams, you’ve done one of the hardest things in your life by approaching him first, and now all should be smooth sailing from here on end, particularly as he begins to realize, in turn, how much of a prize you are and how he wants and needs you. Well, maybe. In the heady rush of the start of a new relationship, many a submissive woman forgets that the hardest part is not over. She makes the fatal mistake of seeing this new relationship, perhaps with the first strong, dominant man she has ever encountered, as just like any other relationship: he’ll shortly fall in love with her beauty and purity or, at very least, become entranced with her feminine charms, while she just sits back and enjoys the romance, letting him drive.

What many a woman with submissive ideals who has become used to wrapping men around her little finger forgets is that a genuinely dominant man will expect a lot more from her than any other male she’s encountered. She hasn’t won anything at this early point in the relationship. In fact, she’s just begun a long and arduous climb up a hill of his making, a hill designed to test her mettle and determine whether she has what it takes to serve him truly and well.

This article talks a bit about the nature of climbing the hill of a strong man’s approval. It reviews the typical steps one must surmount in this climb, and also what might ultimately await both the truly devoted woman and the one who just imagines, out of vanity, that she is devoted, at each step up the path. Dominant men who are looking for information on how to judge the characters of submissive women might also find this article of use.

Who This is Not For

Every relationship is different, and some of us never encounter or even want to encounter a strict taskmaster, someone who we  know will enforce our obedience. Some women want a softer, gentler, more loving man: someone who dotes upon her, builds her up, and praises her rather than one who demands a great deal, expects near-perfect obedience, and uses her primarily for his own benefit and pleasure. Many a  submissive woman desires a daddy or at least a kindly “facilitator” to selflessly help her actualize herself far beyond what she could accomplish on her own: someone who will see her as far more than “merely” his female servant. If this describes you, that is fine, you should seek what it is you need, but this particular article probably isn’t for you, as the sort of man I will be describing in it is not the man you’re looking for.

But if you do have a craving to be completely controlled, owned like property, and used in whatever way a man might want to use you, you’re going to find that convincing such man that you have both a lasting desire for this extreme level of servitude and the ability to handle it is going to take some doing. To be quite frank, such a man has seen every type of female phony, every sort of cop-out and game, every possible demonstration of laziness, resentfulness, deceit, and pure feminine malevolence that exists, and he’s going to be quite hard to convince that you are not also of the same low quality of woman he has encountered in the past.

She should also consider that, unlike other relationships she may have had, she is the one who is going to be required to jump through hoops and “bow before awesomeness,” not him.

Paradoxically, men like this tend to be deeply attractive to the type of woman they abhor: an overly romantic, self-indulgent and utterly vain female who likes a “dark and mysterious” type because of how cool being with him makes her look. This sort of woman, however, instead of having a sincere desire to find out what such a man is really like, what he thinks and dreams, what he’s going to want from her, and whether she can serve him loyally and well, uses him as a prop in her “All About Me” drama. In her eyes, he’s just there to make her look and feel good. She projects her often self-serving and vain fantasies about her ideal romantic man onto a very inappropriate target and then becomes enraged or resentful when he doesn’t slot neatly into her leading man role; when he doesn’t fall madly in love with her in the time frame she thinks appropriate; when he doesn’t seem to care over much about her goals, passions, obsessions, or desires beyond where they enhance serving him; when he doesn’t do the typical guy things such as bringing her presents, initiating contact with her, liking her more than she likes him, ad nauseam. To garner the attention of such a man many a stubborn woman (despite being insulted by having to do this) pretends to be something very different from what she actually is: she pretends to prostrate herself at his doorstep and to be sincerely seeking to make him the center of her life. But he has ways of discovering such deceptions and, while I will talk about these methods later, the primary reason for doing so is to reassure those of you who are sincere that this slow, careful, methodical evaluation of you is not personal. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. It just means he has to be careful because he’s been burned so many times before. So let’s look at what’s involved in climbing the stairway of such a man’s approval.

Ground Zero

Imagine yourself at the foot of a tall hill. Look around you. Is this a strong sturdy hill perhaps with a granite core that will not cave in or give way as you climb it? Or is it a weak, sandy knob, that gives and slips immediately as your footsteps imprint themselves upon it, causing you to slide back down to the bottom? When speaking of this hill, I’m talking metaphorically about the man a woman chooses to serve. Many a woman who thinks she wants to serve deeply or even be a slave makes the fatal mistake of insisting that the man she serves be controllable by her in various ways. Rather than leaving herself completely open to a strong man, she’ll insist that he be of a certain age or (this is a biggie) that he be monogamous, devoted only to her and not free to see other women or take other slaves as he pleases. She may insist that he be of the same religious persuasion or political party as she is or that he not engage in activities she disapproves of or that he have a good job or be of a certain social class or have other superficial characteristics not directly related to his ability to dominate a female. She may insist he honor her list of “limitations:” things she absolutely will not do. Such a woman almost always ends up choosing a man weaker than herself (weaker because he is willing to capitulate to her demands) and then becomes deeply dissatisfied with her “sandy hill” male later on when she realizes she can pretty much walk all over him and shape him—with tears, tantrums, and temptations—to be whatever she desires. Think a moment, before you start climbing the hill of service to a man: is this really a man you can respect for the rest of your life? Is he really capable of resisting any attempts by you to control or manipulate him? If you assess this wrongly and you really need to serve, you may find yourself very frustrated later in life when you discover you’re the one running this show, and that you’re pulling his strings like a puppet.

Step One

Assuming your chosen hill is hard and rugged, imagine now a steep stairway carved into its side. You very much want to ascend this stair because the higher you go, the more intimate you become with him through getting to see and know who he really is. But at the moment, this goal (and he, himself) may seem a bit remote and distant as your raise your foot to climb the first step.

Due to numerous encounters with duplicitous women, a strong and dominant man will typically be looking at the latest female to bow before him rather cynically and critically, no matter what her actual qualities might be. No matter how polite and interested he seems in her, he is going to be secretly wondering what sort of flake has arrived at his doorstep, what she is lying about or carefully hiding from his view, what illusions about herself she’ll be trying to spin, and how she will try to turn the power tables on him. He’ll wonder all of this because that is what he is used to seeing from woman after woman after woman in his life. A devoted female servant’s first step up that steep hill of a strong male’s acceptance is to be mature enough recognize that initially he may be a little suspicious and to be gracious enough not to resent that fact. It’s important to realize that his careful scrutiny is not a reflection on your potential, necessarily, but rather an indication of the sort of woman he’s typically had to deal with during the time he’s spent searching for servants. Very rarely does such a man find a female who sincerely wants what she claims to want: to serve him above and beyond all other goals. Normally, the women he meets mouth these admirable sentiments but actually have any number of ulterior agendas in mind.

Should a woman become outraged that such a man doesn’t instantly see what a wonderful, glowing treasure she is, it typically means one of two things. One, perhaps her ego doesn’t have the right sort of hiking shoes on to be attempting this level of climb. This is the lesser of the two evils because it is something that might be fixed with time, education, and dedication to change on her part. Or two, perhaps she is exactly the sort of unreliable and possibly deranged individual that this sort of man runs into so often but tries his best to avoid. A lot of people drawn to extreme servitude are so attracted because they are incompetent or even crackpots and they’ve latched onto the idea that living in this seemingly harsh, romantic way is an escape from all the personal-life messes they’ve created over the years. Anything that seems extreme or exotic always seems to attract the mentally imbalanced, and dominant-submissive relationships are not exempt from this general rule of life. If you are for real, a man’s taking it slow is nothing to be outraged over. It’s a sign of his caution and good sense. It’s a strange and sad reflection on these “females are perfect” times that so many women are insulted when a man like this doesn’t welcome them fully into his life after a brief but passionate courtship stage in which he bows humbly before their awesomeness, but instead insists upon a careful, lengthy evaluation of their personality traits. Such women are still thinking in tedious vanilla courtship/chivalry/soul-mate terms about a relationship that is very different from that traditional model and likely from anything they’ve ever encountered before. If a female tries to cram this sort of exotic, focused-on-servitude relationship into a safe, comfortable conventional-relationship box, she’s not going to like the results. She’ll succeed at doing so only if the male is a teddy bear in wolf’s clothing (a man secretly seeking a conventional relationship with an exotic, cool surface appearance). And then it is likely she will become, after a few years, one of those bitter, screeching harridans who angrily insist on BDSM boards that a master-slave relationship is just like any other relationship and anyone who says otherwise is elitist scum! In her case, sadly, she’ll be absolutely right (at least about the “like any other relationship” part) because she and her male counterpart have copped out. Neither one really wanted anything as extreme as absolute servitude and obedience. But the sort of man I am speaking of does want this level of extremity and will politely, quickly, and firmly show such a female to the door if she starts trying to spin the relationship in the safe, warm, flattering, fuzzy-wuzzy terms and practices she is most comfortable with.

A feminine manipulator is in for a great disappointment with the type of man I am describing. He listens to her words, he nods, he agrees, he even praises her for the prettier ones, but when it comes down to determining what she actually is, he looks primarily at her actions to see how they accord with the pretty words.

Thus, in preparing to meet such a man, a sincere woman who’s fairly certain she wants to live as a complete servant to a man, should think carefully about this statement: “Enough time” to evaluate me is when he says it is enough, whether that means one week, one month, a year, or even several years. She should also consider that, unlike other relationships she may have had, she is the one who is going to be required to jump through hoops and “bow before awesomeness,” not him.

Step Two

Unless the man is inexperienced or immature, it’s quite likely a woman may not even realize that such a hardcore and realistic evaluation of her nature is going on. He won’t be whining about all the terrible women there are out there, he won’t be insulting her, nor behaving as if he thinks she’s just another tiresome waste of time like all the rest. In fact, talking to a self-mastered man who is capable of mastering others, is, for most women, quite fun and gratifying. She will likely have no idea of how very carefully she is being assessed during his polite phone chats or email exchanges. The experience will be pleasant, smooth, easy sailing in these early stages and even if he’s already 90% convinced she’s not going to work out, he’ll hold out a while to make certain about the other 10%. He’ll be very easy to talk to, and he’ll casually and most subtly play out more than enough psychological rope for the female to hang herself with, if she’s not the sort of woman she claims to be. The second step on the hill of gaining a highly discriminating man’s acceptance involves keeping in mind that you are being closely watched on an ongoing basis, even if it doesn’t feel as though you are—and not getting too uptight about it. Relax. If a woman actually is what she claims to be and really wants what she says she wants, she need only be herself and all will be well. If, on the other hand, she is pretending to be something or someone she is not, well, she’ll likely enjoy herself during the first early weeks, but it won’t go much farther than that.

Some women imagine that, with their clever tongues and their ways with words, they can convince any man that they are whatever they want him to think that they are. Some women, perhaps more than you might believe, are absolutely convinced they are smarter, more emotionally astute, and savvier than any man they might encounter. A feminine manipulator is in for a great disappointment with the type of man I am describing. He listens to her words, he nods, he agrees, he even praises her for the prettier ones, but when it comes down to determining what she actually is, he looks primarily at her actions to see how they accord with the pretty words. He gives little credence to her descriptions of who she is and what she can do. Instead, he will expect her to put her money where her mouth is and prove that she can be who she claims to be, not once, not twice, but many, many times. This isn’t the sort of proof that she will be able to invent and present to him on a silver-tongued platter, by the way. He’ll devise the tests of her true nature, and, in most cases, they will be so quiet and unobtrusive that she will not even realize she’s being tested. A person who has been lied to over and over again learns how to find out what he needs to know without relying solely on another’s words. Those females who are sincere, those who understand the value of obedience and crave to serve this wonderful man they’ve just met, will likely pass such subtle tests with flying colors. A few women might realize their behavior is being observed and evaluated against their words but one would hope that, having had to perform similar tests to determine the mettle of the men they have encountered in their lives, they would be encouraged rather than insulted by such a serious inquiry into who they are and what they are capable of.

Steps Three and Four

This can be a tricky phase in the budding relationship with a dominant man. Steps Three and Four come at about the same time. The third step is to not think you’re smarter than the man you are trying to impress or convince. So very many women make this mistake. Even sincere women who genuinely want to serve can be guilty of assuming mental superiority because they are so used to running into men who haven’t a clue about women or how to handle them. But a female should know (or at least be able to entertain the idea) that an experienced, successful dominant man is a beast of a very different color. If he’s an ordinary man, she might succeed at running rings around him like she has so many other men in the past. But if he’s an experienced and smart man, familiar with the means of human control and the conduits of power, and if he is looking for a genuine servant whom he can control fully, a woman attempting to outthink him will just wind up looking foolish if she makes the assumption that she can do so. If she is too proud of her own intellect to accept that a man worthy of owning her will be able to mentally outgun her, then she won’t know what hit her when her deceptive plans fall to pieces. Her ego won’t be able to admit the truth, despite the evidence of her senses, that she’s been totally outmaneuvered in this particular chess game.

A lot of women do this: they part ways with a man who has clearly seen what they are and told them the game is up, all the while refusing to admit to themselves that he’s seen right through them because, you know, no man is capable of seeing through them so clearly! Sometimes a woman like this will even come back to him and try her same old “believe what I say, not what I do” game all over again. He just might play along—perhaps because she’s useful in the moment or her dishonest antics amuse him—and she will never fully realize with what contempt he actually holds her in or how he is using her for entirely temporary pleasures. Such a woman may eventually begin to wonder why, however, she never seems to get anywhere with him.

The fourth step to avoid stumbling over at this phase in the climb is being vain enough to think that you’re too good to be extensively tested or evaluated for genuineness. In a sense, this is a replay of Step One: not considering yourself above initial evaluation simply because you know just how good you are. But at this stage, it’s the ongoing evaluation that’s likely to be resented. Remember that he doesn’t know how sincere you are or how obedient you are capable of being. He can’t sniff that “Eau de Wonderful” wafting out of a woman’s persona nor assume she’s just great from whatever she says because most women he’s encountered lie extensively (whether to themselves, to him, or  both) about this.

Step Five

For a woman who really wants to obey and serve a man, his own need for caution and taking things slow will make perfect sense to her: the female’s opinion of her own specialness won’t be so huge that it blinds her to his need to proceed gradually with any unknown human factor in order to determine if she can actually walk the walk. She’ll enthusiastically and willingly demonstrate her loyalty, willingness, subservient nature, and her deep interest in him, and she will automatically do so even if she believes the things demanded of her are almost too trivial or unimportant to bother with. This behavior represents Step 5, which has to do with understanding that every command, great or small, issued to her from his lips is a sacred and responsible trust: one that she must demonstrate that she can keep by performing it in the spirit and to the letter expected of her.

“This is nothing,” some foolish females think when faced with their first easy challenges or a very minor demand. “I don’t have to do this! I’ll prove my true value to him when he gives me something more worthwhile or interesting to do, something more on my level.” Believe it or not, many women new to submission do not realize that this attitude represents rank disobedience toward the man they claim to respect so deeply and is a good predictor of habitual lackluster “service” or even resistance should they ever be required to do larger things. They don’t grasp that the way a female proves herself worthy of great things is in how she performs the little, seemingly insignificant things. Having resentment for being tested at all (“He should just trust me! Can’t he see I’m sincere?”) or being insulted by the smallness of the test are both mistakes that an inexperienced and unaccommodating female with too large of a self-opinion typically makes. In contrast, a woman highly eager to serve will be content with cleaning the toilet or taking out the trash, if that’s all he’s assigned to her, as she understands that the fact that she’s being allowed to serve in the first place is what  is important, not what specific service she happens to perform. And, while grateful if he pats her on the head and tells her what a good girl she’s been, she will not expect a reward or special treatment for her performance. When you are a servant, it’s your job to serve. Why should you expect constant kudos or special praise simply for doing what you said you’d do?

Normally, the master or otherwise dominant man will start with a relatively easy order. But a woman may come up with a thousand excuses for why she was late in doing it or why she didn’t do it at all. His requests may seem small, but in my observation, these little duties are more often failed or overlooked than any other, because the woman doesn’t take them seriously or doesn’t find them “interesting” enough. Finally, and this is a serious point to keep in mind, refusing to do the small things is one of those behaviors that tell a dominant man, without a question of a doubt, that he’s dealing with a serious level of flakiness in the female who has approached him. She’s not particularly concerned with his desires or welfare and this careless behavior, as mentioned before, is a very good predictor of her future actions and attitudes. It suggests that the woman is far to hung up on herself to think about another’s needs let alone to care that she is wasting her potential master’s time.

Step Five: Variations

“Tis many a slip twixt the cup and the lip,” goes the old saying, and while actually carrying out the order in the first place and within the time specified are two important concerns, there are other ways to obey incompletely or incorrectly. Some women, for instance, automatically assume that it’s up to them to dictate the “how” of their obedience. Let’s say the man she has approached orders, “Send me an email about your history and experience with other dominant men.” If she responds, “Sir, I’m far more comfortable with discussing this in person or over the phone,” she is disobeying his order. She’s indicating that she wants to dictate the terms of her obedience, that she wants to be in charge of how orders are carried out, despite the fact that he’s already indicated clearly to her his preferences in this area. This may well fly with a very lenient, laissez-faire “dom,” but it won’t be acceptable to the type of man I am talking about.

Another common error is to obey incompletely or in an entirely different manner than instructed. The male in charge may order his female to exercise, for instance, for 30 minutes a day, five days a week, and when asked how she did that week, she says, “Oh, I only got in four sessions, but that’s because I was super busy at work.” He may follow this up with “Well, why didn’t you mention that to me earlier in the week, when you got busy?” With a man who is serious about his dominance this question implies that, when under strict orders, unless it is a dire emergency, a good servant asks first before making course corrections or taking matters into her own hands, no matter how “necessary” those corrections may seem to her at the time. Assuming that she had the right to change his orders at her whim and without even discussing it with him first does not suggest she understands much about serving.

Another aspect of obedience that many men well worth serving pay close attention to is how well the female listens to the orders being given. It’s an unfortunate (and often hotly denied) fact of life that many women, even those with the best of intentions, have the attention spans of fleas. Such women have trouble concentrating on and really listening to a man’s words, and when they only half-listen, their imaginations later fill in the blanks with what they imagine he wanted, not what he actually told them to do. Usually this occurs because the woman is too busy thinking about herself, her own concerns or ideas, and allots only a small part of her attention span to what the man is actually saying. As a result, problems usually arise. She may throw his favorite sweater in the dryer when he told her to let it hang dry—and so it comes out unwearable because it has shrunk. She may neglect to stop by the store on the way home to pick up the cold cuts he wanted for dinner or bring home the wrong meat.  Some so-called “submissive females” compound the initial transgression by becoming angry and resentful when such errors are pointed out to them: “They didn’t have smoked turkey at the store and I wasn’t about to go to the next grocery in this traffic so he should be glad he got any meat at all!” a woman new to service may mutter to herself, if not directly to his face. Or perhaps, if she isn’t living with him yet, she stops writing him the daily emails she is supposed to write every day without fail. And once it’s forgotten one time, it becomes much easier to let it slide the next time. After all, he hasn’t made any fuss about it, so he probably doesn’t notice or care…right? (Don’t bet on it.) Sometimes this forgetfulness has a cause: resentment or laziness, for example, but, even if there’s no cause, it still indicates a person who is neglectful of her man’s desires. She has not made his desires a high enough priority. In a woman with the right attitude, such things can be corrected, but in other females, the corrections only lead to worse misbehavior and resentment. Watching how a woman responds to being corrected will tell an observant man a lot about her core nature.

But how well you straddle the tall sixth step answers an even more important question: are you really in it for the long haul? Do you have what it takes to obey responsibly, dependably, cheerfully, and passionately over time, when things aren’t so “new and shiny” anymore?

While the above forms of disobedience may seem commonsense to avoid, no-brainers for those of us with experience or discipline in other areas, they are indications in a new servant of a lot of often-unconscious willfulness that will need to be brought into check before genuine service to the male can be performed. Reducing such willful tendencies is a job both for the female who desires to serve and the male who wants to be served—it isn’t something the female should (again, willfully) take upon herself entirely without asking him first how to proceed. Most women who say they want to serve, strangely enough, never even reach the stage of discussing refinements to their obedience. They become angered when a man scolds them for the first time or shows his displeasure at their failing to carry out his orders in the right way. They feel he is asking far too much. (Of course, it stings to be chastised firmly, but a woman who really wants to serve understands that this is part of the package. She sucks it up and strives to be better in the future.) This other sort of woman, the one outraged at being corrected, is not cut out to be deeply submissive, let alone a slave. She often doesn’t know this about herself, however and it may take her a long time to get the message, because her ego refuses to sign for it. She may flounce off in a rage, cool down, think about it and then come “crawling back” (in quotes because this is usually just an act that masks a deep, malevolent “I’ll make him fall in love with me and then I’ll show him!” resentment) asking for a second chance (or a third or a fourth) and, if he is a patient man, he may even give her those chances. But he is now definitely on his guard against her because typically her initial behavior is a clear indication that, no matter how many chances she is given in the future, she will never be able to obey him.

Step Six

Initially, carrying out orders is fun and thrilling for a female who wants to serve. It’s brand new, it’s cool, it feel so good when she succeeds and he praises her, and the assignments are often interesting ones. But how about later? Weeks later, months later? Is she still going to be obeying this intently and enthusiastically? Will she still be going to the gym every day or every other day, reducing her calories, keeping her house at the level of cleanliness he expects, and so on? A newcomer to service will almost always swear passionately that she will do all of this forever. But not all females have the follow-through to obey day after long day, particularly if the services become routine and unvarying. The earlier steps up the hill give a potential master or dominant man a general idea of whether or not she can obey and to what degree she obeys—at least during a single instance of obedience. But how well you straddle the tall sixth step answers an even more important question: are you really in it for the long haul? Do you have what it takes to obey responsibly, dependably, cheerfully, and passionately over time, when things aren’t so “new and shiny” anymore? The way a woman answers this frequently unspoken question with her behavior will tell the man she wishes to serve whether this is a serious vocation for her (something all potential servants swear is true at the beginning) or just a passing fancy, no matter what she claimed earlier. Obeying over the long haul, past the time when she considers it to be a fun game, really separates the dedicated servants from the bored kinky girls just passing their time with something new. There are many ways to perform service-over-time tests, and each man who understands their importance will devise his own. The dominant man who doesn’t perform such tests is taking a big risk, as females often do change over time, particularly as they become more comfortable with him and his ways. Being able to observe such changes in a female before she’s completely enmeshed in his life is very important. It could mean the difference between long-term happiness or misery for both parties.

Step Seven

At the lower elevations of the hill that a female may have to climb in order to be accepted into a man’s service, the general steps of obedience are fairly standard and follow each other logically. But the higher one goes on this hill, the more individualistic the steps get. They start to represent an individual man’s specific desires and goals for his servant. The final general step that most females face at this stage in their climb has to do with their level of dedication and passion. In climbing Step Seven, a woman asks herself, “After all I have experienced, do I still want to go through with this? Do I still want to serve and obey this man’s every desire, perhaps in very difficult ways, for the rest of my life? Is service to a deserving male the most important thing in my life or are there other goals they are equally pressing, other things I want to do or even must do before I die?

There are many self-described dominant men and even self-titled “masters” out there who are a lot more lenient than the men I am describing. A more easygoing man may want his submissive female to grow and expand herself, achieving her own personal goals alongside serving him. But the sort of man I am speaking about here will absolutely demand that service to him be his female’s first priority. If she cannot put him and his desires above all other things, she won’t make the sort of deeply dedicated servant that he desires. A woman who needs various forms of self-fulfillment more than she needs to serve should seek the former out, perhaps alone, or perhaps with a different sort of man, and not expect that a strict dominant male with very high standards for obedience and service will be her personal growth coach.

The Top

The true satisfaction in service comes from the service itself, from the sacrifice it requires and from the love you feel toward the person whose life you are making easier and happier. To some of us, this is a glorious vista to behold and all the reward we could ever want. Other women, if they manage somehow by hook or by crook to reach this elevated height will look around and ask, “Is this all there is? Where’s my reward? Where’s my picnic at the top, my medal, my accolades, my permission to take it easy and enjoy myself from now on? Just what is in it for me?” I don’t think the second sort of woman reaches this rarefied height very often, as it requires tremendous sublimating of her true (selfish) nature to do so, but I have heard about other situations where women struggle hard, reach the top of the hill, are blissfully content for a while, but then later find out that they cannot deal with the consequences of their choice to serve a man completely, no matter what. They change or life confronts them with a challenge their deep love for service cannot accommodate. For example, what if the man that you served intimately in his home no longer wanted to live with you but desired you to keep working for him by generating income at a remote location while he moved a younger, prettier servant into his home? Could you, after so many years in his wonderful company, bear to part ways yet still remain his loyal, steadfast servant, financing his leisurely life with his new domestic slave?  Those few for whom service is the true reward could because in that situation they’d still be serving him,  still be making him happy, just in a different capacity.

Sometimes a change of heart in a woman comes about due to illness in one of the parties or some other serious life change that requires her to cope with frightening new circumstances. But at other times there is no shocking change. Sometimes a woman just grows restless, dissatisfied with her life. Service no longer seems like the ultimate reward it once was, the best thing to be doing in life, the most fulfilling role possible for a woman. She’s been there, done it, and now she’s bored.  Or, to put it another way, she loses touch with the sacred thread and, like poor Icarus, starts to fall back to earth and its beguiling call. Something in her cannot remain dedicated to the course of service and she breaks away because she needs to “fulfill other aspects of herself.” I have seen this happen with several women who formerly lived as slaves. It is tragic to observe. With each person I have seen this happen to, she ended up far less happy than she would have been if she had stayed the course, selflessly serving another with no thought for her own “personal fulfillment.”

A lucky few do stay the course. We live a life of service to a strong man until we die because have tasted the endless pleasures, puzzles, and fascinations that life has to offer and found them all to have a bitter aftertaste, somewhat hollow, and lacking something essential. They didn’t contain the nutrition we needed, a certain flavor or quality was missing. Only intense, self-sacrificing personal service to someone we love gives us that taste of heaven that we so long for. And so we remain, unless ordered otherwise, atop the hill of abject servitude to a man. The view of the glorious, dark heavens around us, I must say, is most exhilarating.

____________________

© 2005-2014 Humbled Females

February 11, 2014

Carpe Virum

By Marc Esadrian

Artwork ©Lauri Blank

Artwork ©Lauri Blank

I recently stumbled upon an amusing Glamour.com article offering some advice to women about how to attract a man and get him to approach them. In it, women are advised to smile a lot, radiate positive energy, and avoid hanging out in groups, for, as the article goes on to explain, “men are terrified to approach a big group of girls.”

We knew this from the outset of the article, anyway, where it asserted that “men are total wusses when it comes to approaching women.” But the ultimate pearl of wisdom gleaned from the author, shocking in its progressive daring, came from the advice that women should be “easy to approach, but hard to obtain!” Not that this deviates one iota from what women have been told all along since, well, I or anyone else can remember. Such attitudes regurgitated over and over reflect the common mores of culture where it comes to courting. But in a world where equality between the sexes is now rigidly upheld as right and good, such convenient female centrism about dating and mating only manages to come across as the sort of odd double standard ordinarily churned out from the intellectual Bermuda Triangle that is modern female entitlement. Serenely self-satisfied women indifferently wait and men do the work—and take the risks—in approaching first. It’s an idea many of us have accepted as “natural.”

“But that’s how it has always been,” one young lady caught up in this discussion with me apologetically protests. “Someone has to be the pursuer and if we waited for women all the time, well, I think there’d be a hell of a lot less people on the planet.” I can’t say she’s necessarily wrong that men are naturally driven to pursue things in different ways than women, and it’s true that many men seem to enjoy the thrill of the hunt where it comes to sexual pursuits, but is this to say women don’t have strong sex drives of their own? Is it to say they don’t necessarily care about finding relationships as much as men? Only a fool who knew nothing about women would assume so.

It would be safe, however, to assume that women have become accustomed to waiting for men to find them and approach them first. This could be a natural inclination for females during the mating game, something passed along in our genetic lineage over hundreds of thousands of years under the cool, prevailing logic that careless mating for a male doesn’t involve much risk, but careless mating for the female can be genetically disastrous. Thus, the classic hypothesis emerges that where the male is eager, the female is not so sure.

While the phrase “coy” was a term applied to the mating styles of female avians and women long before Darwin, it has widely been attributed to the observations put forth in Darwinian theories of sexual selection. In his book Origin of the Species, Charles Darwin built much of his understanding of animal mating and selection upon the concept of female mate choice.

Women who otherwise want to be seen as equals to men in every way insist on the double-standard of not having to pursue relationships.

Viable females considered suitors based upon their impressive plumage and finery or accepted mating with the victor in male-male mating combat for access to her. Thus, eager males and coy females were easily imported constructions that we humans anthropomorphized in our own man/woman dichotomy.

But with his book The Selfish Gene, evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins, inspired by the work of social biologist Robert Trivers, began to describe “coy” as only one of several female mating strategies. Indeed, he saw a stable state in the gene pool between males and females in their mate acquisition strategies: not all resembled the coy female pattern. This carried clear implication to human mating, as well: women don’t only have to be mysteriously reserved, nor are they always. They can exercise the agency of choice in their mating selections by being “fast,” too, or some permutation in between. And so it gradually came to be recognized that a spectrum of behaviors existed in animal mating, and subsequently, ours too.

Despite new findings and theories in the bio-evolutionary synthesis that challenge old preconceptions, despite the established social equality between male and female in Western society, despite the demonstrable ability of advanced reasoning in decision making that is a strong suit for human beings—both male and female—the fixed image of the coy female still lingers in the arena of modern courtship. Women who otherwise want to be seen as equals to men in every way insist on the double-standard of not having to pursue relationships, but to lay back and choose one among many who approach, to hold out and see which lucky contestant will eventually earn her approval, her attention, and, if they are fortunate enough, “win” her love. The coquettish female isn’t going away, it seems. Indeed, she seems to be growing stronger in number as the invisible skein of misandry is ever more tightly and subtly tangled around the throat of sexual politics in modern culture.

Part of this inclination toward sexual coyness in women is biological, no doubt (again, the female should probably be cautious about the males she engages with), but another part is most assuredly reinforced by cultural memes, too. From the rigidity of the Victorian age to the golden years of American civilization, women have been encouraged to remain in glamorous, seemingly indifferent passivity to male interest. Even in the so-called “post-feminst” age, the tendency for this behavior is strongly supported, as evidenced by commentary like the one described at the beginning of this article. So deep and pervasive is this idea that even women who identify as submissive in their personalities have (perhaps unthinkingly) co-opted it into their search methods for men they desire, which involves taking up a position of passive visibility combined with a large serving of silent hope and little more beyond that.

In The Foundation of Male Dominance, I discussed the somewhat less than impressive tendency of many men to leap forward and virtually beg the women they desired for a scrap of consideration. I pointed out how this is not very dominant at all, in fact, and how it tends to often fall flat for women who do have ambitions to actually respect the men they would serve. Be that as it may, many men are employing these techniques with little to no success, only to feel a growing pang of frustration with the wall of silence and indifference they receive, and any “success” that comes from approaching the woman in this way often won’t lead anywhere good in the end, either, as some men eventually come to realize. But as a woman, you are well aware that there’s always more men with big hearts and hopes (and libidos) who will follow suit. You get a bit overwhelmed with the attention and the process of creating the polite psychic barriers to deal with the fawning trains of would-be suitors. Where it comes to the online world, you may find your inbox too much to keep up with as it overflows with requests and queries, ranging from the lazy one-liner, to the poetic novella-sized inquiry, to a crude and ugly-mouthed proposition.

But for all this attention you get as a woman, it’s important not to lose sight of what you desire to achieve: to find a strong dominant male you can actually respect. As a female, your instincts certainly do serve you well. It’s probably true that many of the ones who have approached you aren’t worth considering much. For one reason or another (you may not always know or be able to verbalize exactly why) their queries seem too contrived, too eager, too devoid of a certain something that makes you care, or just too random and out of the blue to so much as make a blip on your radar. You need context and meaning to involve your mind and in a world of cheap and easy digital communication, with its dating sites and lightening-fast messaging systems, it’s very easy to…well, not care much at all about what comes your way when it’s in such instant and high volume. 

By reducing yourself to a mere object that is acted upon, you lose the greater agency of choice in suitors—the power to steer your fate toward those men who intrigue you most.

You’ve seen these men before, though they have different faces and names. You’ve seen the same lines, or rather, the same hints behind the lines—however they are contrived—more times than you can count. Messages in your inbox or advances from men in bars, restaurants, clubs or social grapevines are not met with an air of hope so much as resignation that you’ll receive yet another approach from one more unsuitable would-be. And those who you do accept into your circle after proper genuflection mysteriously tend to disappoint or miss the mark in the long run.

And so the situation with men can sometimes seem like a revolving door of incompatibility and gradual letdown. All the while, there are men you may see on the fringes, men who truly catch your eye, even if fleetingly so. They may not last long in your mind once they pass the field of your vision. Like colorful birds, they may be a quick burst of radiance and curious energies that you dismiss as beyond grasp. They may also be like lovely polestars in the heavens, beings who are somewhat haunting and mesmerizing, or simply tickle something in your psyche. They may be unattainable in your mind because you don’t have the confidence to approach them and so fear rejection, or perhaps you’re the type of luminous female who can have almost any man she wants, but never, as a rule, deigns to make the first move, because you’ve never had to. Wherever on the scale you may lie, the decision to put yourself in plain sight is a common tactic you use in your seduction. It boils down, essentially, to a coy game of sit and wait: those who prostrate upon your altar are rewarded with your attention, however momentarily—those who do not might as well not exist at all.

This strategy may work quite fine in one sense: catching men in the net is easy when they whirl like schools of silver sprats over your vibrant beauty and charm. Where this strategy might not shine so well, however, is in its inherent passivity, the spirit of which will often balk at making any difficult climb to have what’s desired beyond the lazy reach. By reducing yourself to a mere object that is acted upon, you lose the greater agency of choice in suitors—the power to steer your fate toward those men who intrigue you most. While “it is the woman who chooses the man who will choose her,” as French playwright Paul Geraldy once claimed, the fact remains that you are still playing with the cards dealt you by chance, and while all chance can’t be removed from life, any extra agency we may find along the way in steering it better to our fulfillment should, rightfully, be nurtured. Particularly where it relates to finding a dyed-in-the-wool dominant man you respect and deeply want, how could this not be so? For these men who stir you a little or a lot may never come your way of their own accord, no matter how well placed you are in their view. 

Is she willing to have the courage of her convictions—to step outside of her shell and risk the adventure in finding the heady mixture she truly desires? Or will she play it safe with an indefinite game of sit pretty and wait?

They may never step upon the path leading to you, no matter how brilliant or vivacious you might be or appear. It’s very possible that some of these intriguing beings refuse to approach you, for they grow weary of the cat and mouse games so often associated with the politics of feminine desirability and those women who demonstrate the ability to cynically exploit it. They may see, as I often do, that women so often used to being worshiped and pursued (most often for their beauty) tend to be drunk on the narcissism that often results from such attention. The idea they are hot commodities in demand that males have to compete for to earn their attention permeates their thinking, and, not surprisingly, often the fate of their relationships with men. How many women have you seen in life who claim their men “wear the pants” in their relationship, despite the painfully obvious fact that it’s just not the case and never really has been? How many charades have you seen played out where the “king” is metaphysically crawling behind his supposed servant? Chances are you’ve seen this before, and if you honor the spirit of submission, such a relationship fate probably sickens or horrifies you.

Now this is not to say that all submissive females have such a subversive and self-worshiping blind side (though it should be noted many females who claim to desire submission often do). Certainly, most women who find genuine interest in female submission are not chronically infected with the diva complex I describe above, but traces of this tendency often do find their way subtly into a woman’s conscience and sub-conscience, given our cultural history and especially the realities of sexual politics today. The tendency to unthinkingly recycle these old courtship concepts as “the norm” is quite strong in most women still, and only routed out when fully realized—permitting there’s desire to route them out in the first place. But therein lies the first question a submissive woman should ask herself when searching for a dominant male: is she ready to leave the baggage of all this egotistical and inefficient thinking aside? Is she willing to have the courage of her convictions—to step outside of her shell and risk the adventure in finding the heady mixture she truly desires? Or will she play it safe with an indefinite game of sit pretty and wait?

As a submissive female, you may realize that you need to be overtaken and humbled, but that journey begins with humbling yourself enough to see the synthetic entitlements within your own culturally supported blind sides; it requires a lucid and awake mind capable of shrugging off the tropes we may unthinkingly buy into as males and females. And one of the biggest and most subversive tropes of all is the idea that females are always to be the benefactors of pursuit—the ones who choose the ones who choose them. Not only does this coy stratagem undermine the spirit of your own submissiveness, but it limits your available options to find and appeal to the men you truly desire.

It’s my heartfelt wish that all submissive women reading my words take this message with far more than a grain of salt. If anything I’ve described above matches, in any degree, your perceptions of courtship rights and wrongs, it’s my sincere suggestion that something needs to change in the way you search for fulfillment as a submissive female. It’s true that there are many men who are not suited to even the surface appeal of dominance, much less the roles of capable husbands or masters. Many of these men are the ones you’re probably quite familiar with, if you’ve been playing this game or witness to it. They are the types who veritably beg for your consideration and who you can easily “allow” to think they are in control, and since you find them appealing in some way, you may persist in upholding this grand illusion until, well…however long you want. You may hope, perhaps, that somewhere along the way, the man you snagged will muster the strength of character to have what it takes to truly rule your heart and mind. More often than not, however, this will likely fail, for the foundation upon which you built such a relationship had a fatal flaw right from its inception: the principle of least interest was always in your favor and the one you allowed into your life was placed upon his throne by none other than you, not by his true virtues as a dominant man.

And so it is important you choose a man you cannot manipulate, a man you cannot lead about by the nose ringed with his own desire and eagerness to jump through hoops of your whim and design. For this reason, the men who flatter you with their ongoing and uninvited attention, the men who seem like puppies eagerly waiting for your cue to act and jump all too easily at what you toss their way should all be held suspect. By letting them in, you invite whatever deformities of character and understanding they may harbor while assuming a shaky mantle of service-oriented dominance. By lifting the bridge to your castle, so to speak, you invite only the ones you willfully desire into your world, eliminating both predator and pushover from the opportunity to disguise themselves on your front doorstep with uncertain outcomes. Doing this requires courage, of course…the sort of courage that may not feel entirely comfortable or “natural” for you. But if you embrace this boldness to step out of the seemingly safe, hermetically sealed pink bubble for the female ego and risk feeling the phantoms of rejection and failure, you may very well summon the power to find a man you can fully appreciate and respect.

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” —Anais Nin

This will not only require you to be courageous: it will also necessitate seeing men without imperiously dismissing them, fostering the talent for a more “broadband” observation of the male sex—of its intelligence, depth, and masculine splendor. It will encourage you to examine the inner male apparition of your fantasies and by what method you may obtain him in real life.

By reaching outward and exploring the many wise and honorable men who exist in our world, you will hone a finer art of discernment and feel liberated to exercise agency in acting upon informed choice, not merely the opportunities afforded by random circumstance. It is your bid to seize the day, as it were. The choice is, of course, yours. You may delay, but time certainly will not. As a human being who lives only a finite number of possible years on our planet, it behooves you to optimize that time and experience the full scope of what your female nature craves. It doesn’t mean you should be foolhardy in this exploration, for certainly, the necessity of good choice and sound reasoning not only remains but is further mandated with a more aggressive exploration. While the work for you may increase, so will the odds of finding a good man—a man more right for you.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do … Explore. Dream. Discover.” —Mark Twain

And, as a dominant male who has seen and often requires females approach him in the beginning, I can tell you that many men on the other side of the equation will be pleased and impressed you took the initiative to present yourself before the object of your interest, that you were stirred enough in your inquisitiveness about them to speak the first word. It’s true that not all good men won’t come knocking on your door. A man of tact, dignity, and grace in getting the conversation going is marked as learned, tasteful, and even seductive—should you have the insight to recognize his gesture from the cacophony of other voices, that is. It’s also true that making the first gesture in communicating with a man is not a guarantee of success with him, by any means, but it is my sincere belief and experience that knowing what you want and taking up a more proactive role in finding it will assist you in reaching your preferred destiny with less headache and disillusionment accrued along the way.

____________________

© 2005-2014 Humbled Females

October 23, 2013

Three Pieces of Wisdom

By Nina E.

three-graces

Photography by Don Walthrop | donwalthropphotography.com

A while ago a poster in our forums started a thread about “Wise Women.” She provided a web page example posted on a religious outreach site that offered marriage counseling and advice. I was struck by the plenitude of wisdom on that web page and thought a Humbled Females version of such basic truths would be useful. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this site’s key principle, humbleness, is very much akin to what that web page was calling wisdom.

It’s very interesting how these two terms are so often synonymous, not just for women wanting to serve men but for anyone who seeks to improve themselves or who seeks something greater than themselves. Humility or humbleness goes hand-in-hand with traits such as a willingness to learn—particularly from one’s mistakes, open-mindedness, understanding, being alert to one’s surroundings and the people in them, and being self-critical in order to become self-knowing. All of these are traits traditionally associated with wisdom. The converse is also true: with egotism, narcissism, vanity, and overweening self-regard so often comes perceptual blindness, stupidity, vulnerability to flattery, and ignorance of what is actually going on around oneself or, even worse, inside oneself.

This article samples a few of the core passages from the religious website’s page that struck me as particularly relevant to those who visit Humbled Females and then expands upon them a bit. Before beginning, it may be important to reiterate that Humbled Females is secular and does not endorse any particular religion but should we find valuable information in a religious source we won’t hesitate to use it. There are, however, some significant differences between that website’s approach and the approach taken here and I’d like to lay these out at the beginning before displaying its treasures.

First, the website referred to believes that a woman obeying a man is a mandate from a deity. At Humbled Females, we believe more that this is the natural way women and men have lived together and successfully cooperated with each other for hundreds of thousands of years. Thus, we feel natural and at home when we relate to the opposite sex in these ways.

A humbled female doesn’t take anything for granted. Think about this for a second. It’s very easy to pass over this one, to read it, nod in half-asleep agreement or even assert to oneself, “I never take anything for granted in my relationship. It’s a basic tenet that I don’t, after all.” I was tempted to do that, too, but rather than passing it over, I decided to reflect upon it a little deeper.

Secondly, the religious website ministers to a specific local audience, an audience that I expect is not well-represented on Humbled Females. As part of this, it tends to apologize for weaknesses in men and, in some cases, even assumes male weakness as a base principle, which is not something endorsed here at all! Nevertheless, when one overlooks the passages written specifically to that audience, a lot of insight into male-led relationships and what makes them work can be gleaned.

One other important principle distinguishes the Humbled Females approach from that of the other site. We automatically assume that men and women coming to Humbled Females are intensely interested in male-led relationships and that the women who spend time here are at least partially humbled. We assume such women have done the hard work on themselves that is necessary to approach a man or a male-led relationship with the appropriate spirit: well aware of personal faults, self-effacing, quiet, narcissism and self-obsession in check, interested in a man’s life, mind and world far more than their own lives, minds, and worlds. The religious site, on the other hand, works with confused and unhappy couples, people conditioned to blindly accept egalitarian marriages in which a humbled attitude in a woman was not ever fostered or encouraged. From the things the site authors let slip between the lines, many of these relationships are a mess, with the common modern feminism myths deeply entrenched and the female rankly disobedient, hostile toward, and scornful of her male, despite her religious beliefs which encourage an opposite attitude. Humbled Females is not geared toward individuals with such unenlightened attitudes nor do we believe such marriages can necessarily be saved. If the humble spirit isn’t already there in the woman’s heart and if the need for that spirit is not already understood by her, our view is that very little—if any—progress can be made.

A humbled female doesn’t take anything for granted.

Think about this for a second. It’s very easy to pass over this one, to read it, nod in half-asleep agreement or even assert to oneself, “I never take anything for granted in my relationship. It’s a basic tenet that I don’t, after all.” I was tempted to do that, too, but rather than passing it over, I decided to reflect upon it a little deeper. The statement can be read in a couple of ways. For those humbled females who are not living as slaves, the statement is a gentle reminder of something that is easy to forget: that all the good in our lives, our homes that keep us safe and warm, our children, our lovely clothes and makeup, our hobbies and passions that we pursue, our careers, our leisure time, our relationships with friends and family, and, most of all, our core happiness and contentment over it all comes from being second-in-command to the captain who runs our domestic ship and makes everything work out right. Without that basic relationship in place, we’d be unhappy and restless and this would significantly color our appreciation for other experiences, even good experiences. When a woman who needs to be commanded, directed, or led to a particular degree isn’t, nothing feels right, even if her life is seemingly free of strife. When she is, everything feels right at the core of things and she is able to face life’s difficulties much easier.

Perhaps some of us work and bring in money that buys the physical things. But would those things mean anything to us if there wasn’t a male ruling over us and, through his wise decisions (that don’t always go our way), taking care of the benefit and well-being of all members of the household? It’s quite easy when a humbled female is in a good and satisfying situation to forget that this good comes from somewhere—from someone, more specifically—and that if he were to suddenly disappear from life, her world would be ashes. When a female starts to take her good fortune, and particularly, her man, for granted, she frequently opens the door to discontent, restlessness, greed for more. When that happens she starts to feel that she deserves more rights, more lovely possessions, more leisure time, even more say in the decision-making process. Or perhaps her eye starts to wander and she begins to imagine how happy she’d be with a different sort of man. A humbled female can start to ruin her own happiness and that of those around her by forgetting that this happiness is largely based on one thing: pleasing and being subservient to the male in her life. She forgets how thankful she should be for that man because she has started to take him for granted.

It can be interesting to ask oneself, “Do I really take nothing for granted?” What would your answer be? Going into specifics can be even more interesting: “Don’t I expect to always have a warm bed or other place to sleep at night if I am in my home?” “Don’t I expect a certain amount of sleep most nights?” “Don’t I take for granted that I won’t be forced to go out in chilly zero-degree weather without clothes or in skimpy summer clothes?” “Don’t I assume the man who controls me won’t humiliate me in front of those who shouldn’t know about our relationship?” “Don’t I take my daily meals, my morning routine, my weekly TV series that I must watch, perhaps a daily shower, regular time on the Internet or something similar to these things for granted?” “Even if I intellectually understand that nothing stays the same, don’t I emotionally assume all of this will always be there?”

For those of us in more rigid relationships these are particularly relevant questions to ask as we have little or no right to assume anything in our lives is a given or that it is always going to be there. But we seem as likely as our freer sisters to unconsciously make such assumptions. Just this morning, for example, my Master eliminated my morning breakfast/supplement-taking ritual. I was required to do chores, work out in the gym, and start this article without the energy-boosting substances of breakfast. It was quite hard. I was not only disappointed and hungry but became momentarily convinced that I could not think without a cup of coffee in me! As you can see from the above text, I was able to think despite a growling tummy and feeling like my brain wasn’t running on all cylinders. I had simply taken my morning routine for granted. It’s impossible to be ever-vigilant, to watch out for creeping complacency at all times. But I think most women can give themselves regular reminders so that they don’t cozily take all they have as a given, as something that will always be there. Some of us are lucky enough to have men who will remind us, like my Master did this morning, of what we take for granted. But this is largely a job that a humbled female has to do in her own head. It pays great dividends to do so, as one’s happiness and contentment increase as a result, and the common forms of discontent and ungratefulness are less likely to take root in one’s mind.

It’s worth mentioning that this job is never complete. No matter how much we may see the need intellectually to never take anything for granted, it’s still going to happen, particularly if our men treat us kindly and decently. I’ve personally never gotten rid of this tendency, and I don’t think it’s the sort of thing you can permanently eradicate. But it is the sort of thing one can keep a close eye out for and when a humbled female catches herself in the act of taking something for granted or, in the case of a slave, desiring or demanding more than is her due, she can often stop the thoughts or behavior.

A humbled female understands that her dominant man’s need to be honored is not based on his performance but on his position.

It is a good thing to be drawn to a man initially because of his greatness, because of certain qualities or ways of behaving and communicating that we intensely admire in him. But once a humbled female has agreed to be his and his alone, and particularly once she starts to live intimately with him and he relaxes around her and shows her his many sides, it is essential that she not set herself up as his judge and base her opinions of him on whether he is acting like “SuperMale” or not at any given second of the day. The truth is that he is SuperMale all the time because he now commands her, not because he has to keep proving himself to her over and over again. She may have initially agreed to serve him because of the greatness and breadth of his ideas, the largeness of his spirit, his keen intelligence, his powerful presence, broad experience, compelling charisma, or other qualities that really impressed her. She desired him to favor her with his attention, she desired to be one he picked to serve and follow him. Once that sacred pact is entered into, it is essential for a humbled female not to lose her perception of the man’s godlike relation to herself. What he does after she becomes his is his business and his only, not hers to critique or change. (There is one exception to this. Opinions vary, but it is my belief that a humbled female need not remain loyal to a male who no longer dominates her because the core reason she started the relationship with him has been removed, or, to put it another way, the sacred pact has been broken.)

A humbled female isn’t one of those shallow “conditional” submissives, the type who only submits to a man who keeps impressing and entertaining her day after day, who never lets his hair (or his guard) down, who is always perfectly dressed, well-spoken, and acting like the romantic lead character in a cheesy BDSM romance novel, no matter how bad of a day he is actually having. She doesn’t stop submitting because he firmly tells her “no” over something, even if it’s something she really wants. The women who do this are submitting to a fantasy, not to a real human being. They prefer the pleasant perfect illusion over the reality because they are, at core, still egotistical, childish dreamers who are incapable of submitting fully to a real human being. They may imagine themselves so great or so wonderful that no man they submit to will ever be less than perfect. Once a man starts to reveal his grounded reality, his humanity, they disappointedly go in chase of the next romantic masterly phantom.

A humbled female avoids judging the man she serves because she is well aware of her tendency to confuse her fantasies and illusions about what the perfect dominant male is with reality. She understands the role that silly romance novels in all their thin guises (BDSM, vampire, demonic, magical) have had in influencing her ideas about how the perfect male looks or acts. As the religious website said in one article, the romance novels women read tend to paint the ideal man as both hyper-masculine and hyper-sensitive at the same time—in addition to his superhuman powers, dark mysterious good looks, and fabulous wealth, of course. It should not need to be said here that no real man is like the characters in those novels. But most submissive women still harbor secret fantasies that such men exist, and sometimes they even believe they have found him, due to the way they misinterpret how he presents himself: they see only what they want to see, not what is actually there.

Imagine how a woman who believes in the hyper-masculine-yet-hyper-sensitive-to-her-needs myth feels when she is rambling on and on self-centeredly, as women are wont to do, about her issues, her problems, her activities, her needs, her desires… and then he suddenly tells her, out of the blue, to shut her mouth. There flies the hyper-sensitive part of her fantasy about him out the window. But real dominant men, although they may occasionally have some interest in a feminine narcissistic spiel (particularly if it is entertaining) or find a specific line of talk interesting because of what it tells them about how her mind works, are rarely interested in listening to frequent, long, self-obsessed soliloquys from a woman—whether spoken or written. A dominant man wants a woman to say things of relevance, things that interest him, and say them concisely. Talking about oneself has its place, but it is a much smaller place than most women are comfortable with. Thus, when some putatively submissive women are told to shut up they immediately start to judge the male as inferiorly dominant, simply because he will not pander to their rampant narcissism and self-absorption. That judgment actually means the opposite of what they imagine is true: it means they are facing a superior male specimen, a commanding man who knows exactly what he wants, and they are too weak (too self-indulgent and/or too self-impressed) to deal with him on his terms and serve him in the ways he wishes. Far too many women who claim to want a “master” in reality only want a rapt and adoring audience for their narcissistic displays.

It is critical that by the time she gets around to serving a man, a woman claiming to be humbled understands that she is no longer the judge of that man. The time for weighing and balancing comes before she submits fully to him. It’s now time for her to live up to her sacred commitment to serve and obey him. This means, in part, realizing that her acceptance of him as her ruler was not conditional and based on whether he puts on whatever performance she wants to see on a day-to-day basis but rather based on her decision that, overall, he was very well-suited to ruling her. After that decision and commitment has been made, it would seem to follow that her honor, respect, loyalty, and obedience would be based on the firm belief that, come good or bad, heaven or hell, he is now her ruler in all things and must be obeyed because that is his role in her life, a role she claimed she desperately needed a man to fill. It should not be based on whether he “talks the talk” that gives her the little tinglies between her legs, whether he makes her feel arrogantly proud that she has the most alpha male in the pack, whether he obediently plays out whatever role she approves of or feels most comfortable with, or any other self-centered, selfish desire. She obeys because he is now her lord and ruler, ideally for the remainder of her life. Before she became his, performance had to take precedence over position in order that she could choose wisely to serve a compatible man who could control her to the extent that she needed to be controlled. But once she’s given herself to him or allowed herself to be taken by him, then position—namely his position over her as her ruler, director, or controller—now takes precedence over anything specific he says or does. If it comes from him, then, ideally, no matter what it is, she views it as a sacred law that must be obeyed.

A humbled female never expects anyone to serve her; therefore she is never disappointed.

A typical “kinky” woman, particularly one who has been exposed to the confusing BDSM fetish scene, takes for granted that the man in her life, no matter how much she claims to believe in male supremacy or how extremely she is controlled, will always “be there for her.” This vague phrase, “being there,” means different things to different women, but central to all descriptions is the core assumption of male service to the female: his listening to her whenever she wants to speak, his taking her “needs” (even if they aren’t needs) into account at all times, his “providing” for her, his patiently giving her his time, resources, and attention no matter what sort of negative drama-queen acts she pulls. Even the best of women will sometimes assume that a man will automatically center his life and plans around her and what “works for her,” never step on her proclaimed weak areas, and always listen to her ideas and suggestions, ideally putting them into practice.

It’s hard to be a woman these days in our culture and not assume that, no matter how controlled or owned you are, your owner won’t also be giving you stuff and giving up stuff he might want for your sake. There’s something in women that makes them seekers of and collectors of resources. We tend to regard ourselves as extremely important and non-expendable: valuable objects that must be cared for, maintained, and preserved. This largely unconscious assumption could come from a woman’s role as a breeder. Human females may have inside them some sort of genetic self-protection algorithm that urges them on to get what they think they need from others, and particularly from a protective male, so that when they give birth to and raise children, there is a better chance they will all survive. Unfortunately, women these days carry that algorithm, if that is what it is, to an absurd level of narcissism and selfish “me-first” thinking. Everything in our current culture screams that the woman is far, far more important than the more-expendable man and men are lauded and praised for their selflessness and sacrifices to women.

To a truly humbled female, all that glorification of the female seems shockingly backward and utterly repulsive. She doesn’t want to make herself the center of the relationship around which a man revolves but rather have him be the glorious sun around which she revolves. And yet it is awfully hard at times, even for such women, to fight pernicious feminist conditioning that seems to be supporting this possibly genetically-based attitude that feels so “right” to us: the idea that we deserve special or better resources, attention, and treatment than a male. The types of special favors humbled females expect tend to be different (and also more hidden or subtle) than those of other women, but the common ground is that we still expect them. Part of a strong man’s role is to disillusion his female of these expectations, but she needs to be on board with that, not fighting him or feeling denied or deprived if she isn’t treated as a precious treasure that must be oh-so-carefully preserved. She needs first to understand how ugly and self-centered such an attitude is. Then she must be willing to find what forms this attitude takes in her own mind and behavior. Finally, ideally with the help of the man she serves, she can destroy these false and subversive expectations. By not ever expecting anyone to serve her in any way and, instead, by focusing on helping and serving others, a humbled female applies a very useful mental tool, a tool that can keep her sane, with her feet realistically planted on earth. With her vanity and self-regard on a tight leash, she can remain committed to her aspirations of real and useful service to a man.

That isn’t to say a woman shouldn’t speak out if she genuinely needs something or if it would help her. But what if you’re refused? Are you prepared to graciously accept “no” for an answer if that is what he tells you, even if you think you absolutely must have whatever it is you requested? Can you do so without harboring negative thoughts against him? Such negative thoughts represent pride and ego speaking: “I deserve this! Why doesn’t he give it to me? He’s so perverse, evil, uncaring, stupid! He doesn’t understand how I feel.” If a woman genuinely realizes that she is there to serve others, particularly her man, she does not chafe when denied something, even something she thinks she absolutely needs. She trusts her man’s decision to deny her things when or if he wishes, and quietly accepts his will, just as any adult who has made a mature commitment to follow orders would. When a woman is a true giver and fully focused on giving, then what she receives or does not receive stops mattering so much to her. It’s just par for the course: she knows that all of life has its ups and its downs and a relationship of service is no different. A humbled female acknowledges and honors her man’s every decision, even if it momentarily disappoints her, and moves on, letting the chips fall where they will. And quite often she will find that such chips were imaginary to begin with.

____________________

© 2005-2014 Humbled Females

July 20, 2013

The Foundation of Male Dominance

Marc Esadrian

male-dominance

Sculpture by Arno Beker

Much has been written, here and elsewhere, on the virtue of female submission. At Humbled Females, we often speak a great deal about authentic submissiveness in women and how to best channel and hone it. As we should. It is a subject of tremendous breadth and scope. Much more can and will be written of it, but in this article, I’m going to do something that deviates from the trend of our publications, thus far: I’m going to address men.

That’s right. If you’re a male and happen to think of yourself as “dominant” (or wish to be) and you’re reading this, my message in this article is directed to you. I’m even talking to males who don’t necessarily think of themselves as dominant, but find themselves reading the pages of this site, regardless. My friends, something has to change in the way many of us relate to the female sex. Many of us seem to be found wanting where it comes to projecting the depth, power, and confidence that marks an authentically dominant male. So very many men, in fact, seem so very weak and pliable when tested. It’s possible you might not be the type of person I’m speaking of in this body of text, and if so, I suspect you’ll still have little to no difficulty recalling any number of occasions in which you’ve seen other men make fools of themselves in their bids to acquire members of the female sex or keep them under their control.

To all the male readers, seasoned or green, I simply ask this: are you in control of your desires or do your desires have a tendency to ride roughshod over you, instead? A simple question, it seems, but below the surface, it points toward something a little more complex. On the genomic level, we are never free of desire, of course, for to be free of it would mean we’d be dead. But what I’m getting at, particularly, is the ability to still your thoughts and modify your urges, to channel them and hone them as a complimentary mirror to what we desire in the female sex. Put more plainly, for a woman to surrender to a man’s dominance, there must first be an understanding of dominance in the man. There must be an understanding and successful application of control, not only of her, but of himself. I’m bringing all this up because, frankly, I see a lot of men doing some pretty silly stuff under the assumed mantle of dominance, a mantle which is often little more than a cheaply painted veneer, a prop to give the appearance of mastery, but not much more than that, once one cuts gently below the surface to reveal the tender flesh of inadequacy.

I know my words may sound a bit judgmental and event arrogant, but I don’t mean them to be. I write this because I care about how men are presenting themselves to women and carrying themselves around women, in general. I have been watching you, as a whole, for some time now, and the grade I give more than half of the assuming, self-assured “dominant” male population is a decided F. Many are failing—miserably, I might add—at projecting dominance and control, but the image problem is not where the problem for many men stops: it is the symptom of an underlying problem, and that problem, overall, is a fundamental lack of understanding about what dominance really is and how to have grace (and even permission) in wielding it within oneself. Further still, it is a larger ignorance of the politics of desire and the power that flows from it…or does not. A blindside to the intelligence and subtlety of the female sex often tends to be present, too. If a man is to truly have power over a woman, he must route out all these failings and weaknesses. Only then can he begin to have any real power over the opposite sex.

On the nature of desire and control

In seeking authority over a female, it is imperative to have a good understanding of what dominance is…and what it is clearly not. Dominance, put succinctly, is a power or modifying influence one has over others. If one does not have influence over another, one does not have power and thus, one does not retain an authentic state of dominion over that person. Without influence, without the ability to inspire movement and devotion in another, one cannot lead. Any influence lent to another for the sake of sensual effect is just that: an effect. Your authority and your control cannot be reliably built upon the shifting sands of a sensual illusion or the delicate embroidery of common romantic mores stitched in wilder thread; it must be something of much more substance. Good leadership—good dominance—never proceeds from artifice, naivety, or dull awareness, nor does it find itself lowered to the state of appeasement to get what it wants. Dominance is never destitute, deprived, or indignant, needing to resentfully stoop to sell itself. It does not have to apologize for its presence and ask for customers, so to speak.

On that note, I’d ask you to consider, if you will, the following lines from interested male parties below. I’ve cut and pasted these words from actual emails sent to my girls by self-described “dominant men.” Can you find the flaws?

“I haven’t heard from you for a while and now I see you have changed your status to seeking a master. You will have to decide yourself if you think there is any point in speaking with me, but I am available for you.”

“I would love to own a beautiful female such as yourself. I see that you mention you want someone that has owned a slave before and I haven’t, but I think I can convince you that I am the perfect owner for you. Why don’t you respond so we can discuss this? Give me a chance, at least.”

“I hope your day is good and I certainly am willing to be a friend and possibly a teacher or mentor to you, if you’d want. I know you have posted looking for one. Are you interested in me or not?”

“Sorry to see you are no longer under consideration. I don’t think he deserved you, anyway. You deserve much better. I hope you’ll consider me as your master. I would jump at the opportunity to have you under my wing.”

Men: do you recognize yourselves anywhere in the above quotes? If you don’t, congratulations. If so, you undoubtedly have some personal work to do. That is, if your future intentions skirt anywhere toward asserting the reality of power and not a comedy sketch of Briffault’s Law.

To those who might be scratching their heads, do any of the above quotes strike you as a bit weak? Pathetic, even? It’s obvious the men above are prostrating before the object of their desires. They flatter and suck up, sometimes condescendingly so, but at the inevitable expense of their own image. The woman reading such messages or hearing such things said to her realizes that what alights before her is but a pale and desperate shade of the firedrake she truly wants. If she has a submissive nature within her, a noble nature that holds no contempt for men or smug superiority to them, she may feel a mild to strong revulsion at being approached so fawningly. She may not understand why these men, communicating the way they do to her, make her feel less than inspired, but she does, instinctively, feel a need to avoid the contradictions they seem to convey in words alone.

When he stumbles over himself for the interest of a woman, he puts himself figuratively (and sometimes literally) beneath her. Contrary, perhaps, to what surrounding culture tends to tell us, it’s not attractive to most women when they see men doing this.

Women, simply by being women, by having the fleshly allurements that come with their sex, inherit a pernicious charm that is dangerous to the free will of men. The excess of unbridled male desire tends to wrest the male mind from making better judgments. When a man is sensually weak, he can easily be controlled. When he stumbles over himself for the interest of a woman, he puts himself figuratively (and sometimes literally) beneath her. Contrary, perhaps, to what surrounding culture tends to tell us, it’s not attractive to most women when they see men doing this. Those women who do manage to find weakness in men desirable tend to be of a predatory nature and would use your desire to control you while you only assume control. They will, all the while, find your blindspot as secretly amusing fodder for their egos. Some women may find the man led around by his male-part endearing for a season, but they will tire, eventually, and the amusement will lead to inevitable contempt. For this reason, you must be vigilant and use self restraint when appraising those who you would hunt or those who find their way to you. Do not jump too quickly toward a pretty face and facade, lest you pierce a ring through your own nose.

Reign in your impulses a bit. A wise man, a man who would be master, leans easily toward comfortable politeness and graciousness in his dealings with women, but is watchful of his dignity all the same and does not lick up the pleasing lures of flesh unthinkingly or in ways that lower him. With a certain imperviousness, sharp insight, and good judgement, the master truly masters those he would have or rejects them, and above all, takes care to not find himself mastered by them. Again, words make things sound so simple, but anyone with a dash of experience in bringing the female mind truly to heel will understand the gravity of the task.

Much like Diogenes with his lantern in search of an honest man, a woman wanders in her search for a man of the right quality, often a man who would be her mentor. But how much a mentor can a man be if he is like the proverbial emperor with no clothes, given to chasing his desires so much that they lower him like a simple beast? It marks a great heart and mind when one possesses patience, never spurred by foolish haste over beauty or a blinding lust for it, and thus never making an ass of himself. If you would be master of a woman, you must take care to master your own impulses, or they’ll surely be used against you in some way by her natural wiles, which, even among the best of women, wait secretly to be roused from their slumber. In the very least, you’ll be judged as unsuitable, should her heart be pure in the desire to serve and her mind clear on what marks true dominance in the male. So much for being an agreeable lapdog always seeking her approval. Challenge her mind and simultaneously comfort it with your clear sense of direction. This is not to say you must be a contrarian, a bully, a player, or a braggart, but it is to say that being comfortable in your own skin, having a well-seated confidence, and a well-balanced head is not only attractive, but pivotal in the realm of influence. Of utmost importance is the necessity that you must break the pattern of weakness and naivety seen so frequently among men in these modern times.

Curtailing antipathy and vulgarity

Negative energy is unattractive and alienating. There are men who, having wealth or good looks, still fail miserably in retaining female interest for long due to an incessant ugliness within their souls. They take too much pleasure in their greeds, hatreds, and prejudices, seeing virtually everything as a crime or conspiracy to meet with strife or agitation. Those who see nothing but the bad in life and who thrill at argument and division provoke little more than aversion and are quickly marked as fools; there is nothing powerful about them. Past the stinging bite of their words, they are only remembered as pitiful, disagreeable, or deranged. We mustn’t walk constantly in darkness, lest we be branded town cynics. Just as there is a moon, so too is there a sun. Be sure to see the good in things, as well. Take care to compliment others of their virtues with sincerity. Be supportive of what deserves support, not silent until the time comes, again, for complaint. Be a light that attracts, but not falsely so, and certainly be more a force of harmony than chaos. Being a problem-solver, letting your resources flow, having answers with a kinder face…these things make tremendous difference in the realm of opening and lasting influence.

Take care to speak thoughtfully and well. Let there be a poetry to your words that beguile and a wisdom within them that inspires. This cannot be said enough when speaking of enticing the female mind, for the female searches not so much for wit but wisdom in a male and knows this is often marked by his words as much as his actions. Not all of us are perfect writers or speakers, but we should avoid soiling our speech with vulgarities, in the very least. Paying heed to speaking well speaks, in turn, of good breeding and refinement. Only a dullard writes off this subtle charm as inconsequential.

Don’t play the part of the constant jester. Women love to laugh, indeed, but let your humor be a pleasing discovery that finds its moment, rather than what marks your personhood in social circles, lest you be thought more an entertaining fool than wise. Keep your actions in check with mindfulness and know when a little bit of levity or foolishness is appropriate. Timing, as they say, is everything in life. We certainly mustn’t take ourselves too seriously, but it is generally good practice to be known more for wisdom than endless laughs.

Be a force of reason that is never too quick to harshly judge. This will mark you as thoughtful and gracious rather than a belligerent and cynical egotist. It is the worldly charm of the wise to be tempered in their aggressions, not gobbling up every bait they find to argue and find fault in others. In short, confident and calm dominance is attractive. Belligerent domineering by reflex is not. Making a regular show of your aggression or cynicism is always in bad taste and policy.

On finding the art in yourself

Care for your body. Women have desire for the male form in its ideal health and so it behooves you to tend to your health and appearance. Good grooming not only makes one more pleasant, but marks the man who is in control of his person. A man who is slovenly or grossly obese outwardly displays his inability to manage his own person. How can he be expected, then, to manage others? In being dominant men, the first foundations of the lives we build reside solely in ourselves. From that bedrock all else may be built upon soundly, including the servants we keep in women.

Nurture art within yourself. Neglect, disorder, disarray, and disease: these are the flies that encircle the carrion of inept men. Such men are incapable of mastering others, for they cannot master themselves. Be aware of your appearance and what it says about you. It is the first clue one can give in the day-to-day world about what resides beneath the skin. It is impossible to know the depths of a man who is a stranger, but we can easily judge him based upon his outward appearance, can’t we? Just as we may judge the discernment of a house’s owner by the its outward impression, so too may you be judged on the outside. Women are subtle observers; they are savvy about outward appearance, for they, by nature, are servants to the visual. Keep abreast of style and fashion within your culture, not to nurture vainglory or a brittle narcissism, but to be marked as one who is awake to taste and refinement and the care of these things. Ignorance is often artless; the learned are often artful. If we understand how the soul is revitalized and inspired through art, should we not, then, seek to embody art in ourselves?

On responsibility and dignity

Above all things, a man must retain a good reputation. It is half the key to being desirable in your circle. You will be loved if you nurture a repute for responsibility, taste, discernment, wisdom, and courtesy. Veer from the affectations of these things; their substances can only be procured through experience, reflection, and forethought. The female is highly social; her tentacles for rumor and gossip often run farther and deeper today than ever before, given her modern freedoms. It’s fitting, then, to guard your reputation with your life and better to be thought of as a respectable mystery than someone commonly regarded for known faults. For this reason, it is imperative you deal only with those who would guard your honor with equal interest. Watch carefully how women you would let into your circle behave with the personal secrets they have gleaned from others. Steer clear of drama queens, manipulators, and the entire lot of the mentally damaged, no matter what affectations of submission they project or beauty they possess. Sharing energy with such parasites is an endless loop of madness and insult, draining your sense of good will and smearing your image by association.

Don’t recede into self-debilitating laziness. A man who has dreams and acts to pursue them is a man in motion on some level. Waters that are not flowing soon give rise to a swamp caught up in its own dead inertia. From this swamp, a multitude of disease follows: paralyzation, doubt, apathy, ignorance, depression, and addiction.  A man who is resourceful and ambitious, a man who is inclined to action for his well-being and the well-being of those around him is a man who is attractive to a woman, for he is charged with a positive energy that her passive energy will naturally wish to mate with. A male with vision and the energy to pursue his dreams is exciting and inspiring; he is a wellspring of influence, pleasure, and hope.

Do not allow women to walk on you. No lasting happiness can come from humoring the natural tendency for females to test the resolves of males, manipulate them, or cause doubt in them, if so allowed. Enjoy the lovely charms and pleasures of the female sex, but do not become a slave to them; it is a path to personal folly and a mostly miserable existence. Females will naturally respect a male who is intelligent, difficult to corrupt, and carries with him a noble spirit, but to those who scrape for their desires, know that they will give little respect, only intent to use. Regarding the latter, it is crucial to avoid women who take pleasure in subtly dominating and emasculating men. It’s not enough to ask such women what they’d really prefer if you are already defeated to them, for a sly opportunism often resides in their persons and it will play truth like a fiddle. It is, therefore, wise to make a sober and detached study of the female and the many ways in which she rises to the occasion of male weakness, if only so she may yoke it. Do not compromise who and what you are for sexual access; it may give you short-term pleasure but will likely not give you long-term happiness, and few women who invite such things will speak straightly of your condition. Win their games by not playing their games in the first place. Move on to more inviting pastures.

Avoid cowardice. Shying away from conflict or challenge, living in shadow, being passive, always manipulating to get what you want, or never showing the courage of your convictions…this is the path of the coward and it is unbecoming and unattractive in a man. Men are the warriors of the species. Females rely upon us to venture into the dark and strike at the heart of encroaching danger, to have a fierce spirit and live in some fellowship with it. This speaks to our responsibility, overall, as the stronger sex. Shirking the call to arms only marks you as shirking your masculine nature. It’s good to be calming and serene, but also fierce when need be, for the protection of what belongs to you.

Respecting masculinity

Reject the contempt of men in society, for it is contempt of you. To that end, avoid being an agent of modern feminism and the confused culture of androgyny that often accompanies it. Don’t be convinced that male strength is a lie or that what you feel comes natural as a male is merely a social construct and little more than this. There are those who would have you believe the world between men and women is only right when stood upon its head, that women should take on the roles of men and men of women, or that there is no “real” difference between male and female. The latter is the particularly popular nonsense of our age, taught at the highest level of universities by tinkering intellectuals. Don’t be part of the appeasing, permissive silence that surrounds generally anti-male attitudes and never go along to get along with such attitudes. Men today must be vibrant, strong, and healthy, but we can’t look to feminism and its gynocentricity to bring us to these things. Resist what, in your heart, feels twisted and poisoned in modern thought about the male sex. Just as your body is a temple, so much more is your mind and spirit. Guard it with dignity and honor. Don’t let it be smeared with the social diseases of the day.

Beware of custom played against you. The past and the present are not the same place, though sometimes we may wish them to be. Following the ways of men in a bygone age to procure honor may only stifle you now, given how the surrounding rules have changed so much. Relinquish nostalgic ideas and customs that blinker men into invisible servility to women and beware those women who would still insist upon such things under the false mantle of “equality.” This is not to suggest polite convention should be thrown out. By all means, open doors for women and cover the bill for a night out, should you be so inclined. Be kind to women and girls in society. Make your mate a happy housewife if you are able. Being a gentleman is never out of fashion, but being a woman’s personal ass certainly should be. It’s wise to beware of the cunning in women’s freedom today, which, on one hand, speaks the wish to be equal in all things, but on the other, takes advantage of romantic convention to invoke double-standard. Do not be the fool who is parted from your money, time, or hard work due to a woman’s blinding narcissism, gross moral relativity, or exploitative dishonesty.

Appreciate the masculine and give it honor. Not being at war with your own sex, take appreciation in maleness and of the male form, which is another way of saying take appreciation in yourself. Learn, again, to love yourself and reject the condescending attitudes about maleness that society viciously inflicts. Each man is a distant brother; treat him as such until there is no reason to afford him this kindness. Don’t step upon him to gain favor with women; doing so elevates you at the expense of your own sex. Avoiding ignorance, egomania, a bitter heart, envy, or anger in your soul: this is the path to inner peace and outward grace, the path to making peace with yourself and being a more desirable man.

On maintaining structure

The shape and design of your world must accommodate your authority well and cultivate submission in your woman. A man must have within him the ability to organize his life in a way that allows the two respective energies between male and female to flow into good confluence. Not slovenly or crude in his habits, he is healthy in mind and body and his house is in order. What he possesses has a place and a purpose and is maintained in good keeping. This will naturally extend to caring for a woman who would be his flesh property.

But flesh alone is not only what is kept. The mind itself is the greater possession, and as such, must be brought to heel within sound confines built of clear rules and expectations. This speaks to a man’s ability to clearly communicate what he wants and enforce what he desires through the discipline of structure, a foundation of rules and ideas that are clearly expressed. Under the firmament of rules and clear consequences for transgressions, a woman will all the more easily come to know her place and feel secureness in it. Without structure in place, without an overarching framework of understanding between clarity and authority, a confusing abstractness slowly pervades, giving rise to a silent chaos and discontent. If you are to be a dominant male, and even more so a master, you must have a plan, a general understanding of where you wish to take your life in this regard, and consequently, hers. Charged with the authority you know is yours to have and command, you must lead.

Ending note

The advice given here is only a rough guide. Certainly, all that could be written on the subject is beyond the scope of a single article, but I truly hope that what was provided above has served well in some capacity to men who may just be starting to come into their own with dominance, or men who may find themselves unable to “seal the deal” with those lovely women who have true blue aspirations to submit. The search, especially today, certainly isn’t easy. The modern female is bombarded constantly with messages that she is above submitting to a man—that doing so is the way of the past. A glance in the eyes of many young ladies today reveals that haughty meme of the cool diva they have learned so well. There is so much vainglory, contempt, and deception in many women, even in those with the audacity to call themselves “submissive.” After everything I’ve written above, it must be kept in mind, also, that as a man of standards and of convictions, as a man of integrity and authenticity, the search for an authentically submissive female or a female with potential to be submissive in the contemporary age will be a trial. There are no shortcuts on this path. Women with the makings of humbled females are out there, indeed, but they are somewhat rare birds. Keep this in mind. Keep in mind, also, that past the philosophic and strategic study, another important element in finding your good girl is good old fashioned patience. Your wait may very well be shortened, however, by adopting and taking to heart the things mentioned above.

____________________

© 2005-2014 Humbled Females

January 30, 2013

Drama

By Nina E.

drama

Artwork ©Ira Tsantekidou

Have you ever seen a cat on a fireplace mantle or other high place swat a nearby object over the edge just to see what happens when it falls down? People who own cats quickly learn about this tendency and stop putting anything fragile in a high place that a cat could jump to. Human female activity in the emotional realm sometimes reminds me of this feline behavior. Sometimes women will swat at the emotions of the ones they love just to see what will happen. Unfortunately, the damage a woman can cause when seeing if “something” will break when she pushes it over the edge has far more serious and extensive consequences than the breaking of a physical object. And the behavior is often far less innocent than a cat’s.

When a woman in a conventional relationship pushes someone close to her over the emotional edge, she sometimes does so with subterfuge. She creates a false story, an enactment in which she is the innocent victim feeling honest emotions and he is the evil villain, the bumbling incompetent, or both who makes everything so much worse. These false dramas remind me of puppet shows, with the woman skillfully hidden behind the stage, pulling the strings of all who walk across it. Even humbled females may attempt to enact these dramas with the men they’ve sworn to respect and obey. Such behavior, if it’s not noticed or stopped, has the effect of subverting or even destroying constructive, peaceful male-led relationships.

Why do women engage in this sort of tinkering when it inevitably leads to stress, grief, anger, and sometimes terrible consequences for themselves or the ones they supposedly love? This article attempts to answer that question by examining some of the ways in which females, even humbled females, mischievously mess with otherwise happy situations, and, in the process of doing so, do harm to their relationships.

Drama’s Many Forms

The word “drama” has a lot of different meanings, but it’s being used here to indicate a type of behavior that that involves elements of acting, strong hysteria or other negative emotions, and a fictional, made-up story. The kinds of negative emotional experimentation typically engaged in by females take a wide variety of forms. A few that are potentially appealing to women in male-led relationships are listed below. Why do these particular forms of drama appeal to humbled females? Perhaps because they do not involve direct attacks upon a man. 

The outcome of constantly worrying about “what might be” rather than accepting and enjoying “what is” has a far broader influence and a potentially more serious impact than merely spoiling the mood.

Such aggression would neither be tolerated by him nor be found compatible with her own self-image. But subtler, more indirect manifestations of drama will be less likely to be detected for what they actually are. If employed by a skilled player, they cover up or even justify the female’s emotional tinkering.

Overthinking: Perhaps the mildest form of female strings-pulling takes the form of worrying too much about something that doesn’t really need worry or attention. People in general have become more sensitive to this trait in recent years and are vaguely aware that, like PMS, overthinking is something of a “female thing.” While women are more likely to admit to doing this these days than they used to be, the role that overthinking can play in causing unhappiness and even wrecking a relationship is still greatly underestimated. Women often laugh at this tendency of theirs as one might laugh at any trivial weakness. Perhaps this is because they are not on the receiving end of the stress it causes. Being around a chronic worrier who is constantly thinking up worse-case scenarios and who needs frequent and heavy reassurance that all is OK is not very fun. Often, an enjoyable outing, an important project, or other pleasurable or exciting activities are ruined by an overthinker’s stress.

The outcome of constantly worrying about “what might be” rather than accepting and enjoying “what is” has a far broader influence and a potentially more serious impact than merely spoiling the mood. For instance, a woman who imagines her husband is having an affair behind her back but has no proof of this may drive him to desperation with her suspicious accusations. Overthinking is closely linked to over-imagining. And, like Chicken Little, who falsely believed that the sky was falling, the woman who overthinks things typically does so by imaging all sorts of dread possibilities that are not actually happening now—but just might in the near future. Her emotional reactions to these negative fantasies are often quite strong, as strong as they would be if they were actually occurring.

Overplanning: This is a variety of obsessive-compulsive behavior that is often a reaction to overthinking. Trying to plan for contingencies and keep others safe is a natural trait in females who must care for and nurture their young until they are capable of taking care of themselves. But when a female overplans in order to avoid too many imagined negative outcomes she can, like the overthinker, ruin the spontaneous fun of the moment. A female who overplans also faces the possibility that she will, in her zeal to “cover all bases,” start trying to take control of the man’s actions or steer the relationship. There are things she can take care of, goes her reasoning, that “he just doesn’t see or won’t bother with.” Of course, if these things are not important to him then they should not be important to her, but the humbled female who succumbs to the urge to overplan sometimes loses sight of this important aspect of submission to a man’s will.

Over-observing: Overplanning can lead a woman to a sick form of over-observing, or stalking her mate. In the imagined interests of protection, she can become his worst enemy: a hostile spy who keeps tabs on his every action so that she can anticipate him and plan her next move or accusation. Wanting to know everything about a man and feeling resentful if she doesn’t is ugly in any sort of relationship but particularly so in those that involve a purportedly humbled female who claims to live for his happiness. By poking her inquisitive nose into his private affairs, a woman demonstrates a disturbing distrustfulness of the one she serves. And, if discovered, such snooping demonstrates to the man that this woman is beyond all doubt deeply untrustworthy. Spying is also a form of usurping control: the obsessed woman tries to control the object of her obsession through knowing everything she can about what he’s doing and thinking. Her overwhelming “need to know,” whether fueled by suspicion and mistrust or just the result of female nosiness, is far greater than her desire to love, serve, and obey her man.

Emotional Trojan Horses: A far more deliberate form of the female tendency to tinker maliciously with others’ feelings occurs when a part of her wants to mess with someone but realizes that in order not to be blamed for it she must hide what she is really doing within a cause that appears more legitimate. Malicious attempts to upset others often crouch within seemingly valid emotions like fear, regret, angst, anxiety, and other “honest” concerns which serve to make the troublemaker look as if she has a legitimate problem. Some women learn, though the solicitous way men treat them when they are ill, have PMS, or are depressed, that they can get away with upsetting a male if their real intentions are well hidden within a more honorable form of distress.

We’ve all known females whose lives seem to be one constant crisis after the next. As soon as the latest drama has died down, a new one crops up. Some women seem almost compelled to create non-existent problems between themselves and a male partner. Out of the blue, such a woman will suddenly be deeply upset over something allegedly awful that the man did, but if he responds in the right ways, the “traumatized” female magically recovers. Things go back to normal for a while, but a few days or weeks later a new emotional emergency magically appears. Some women have a secret belief that the existence of constant drama—particularly great emotional upsets followed by cathartic reconciliations—is a sign of true love. If things go too long at a calm, steady pace, such a woman may actually feel that something is wrong with the relationship: that it is decaying or that he is losing interest. At that point, she’ll orchestrate a dramatic event to “prove” his fidelity and commitment to her. Women can become so skilled at constructing these dramatic scenes of woe that they manage even to fool themselves: they start to believe that their sad cover stories are the actual truth.

A made-up-drama or other female-designed Trojan horse, is, at its core, an attempt to control somebody through deception and misdirection so that he never fully realizes her actual intentions. Many a humbled female will justify such behavior as “testing” their mate, seeing if he has what it takes to truly control them. If such testing goes beyond a certain stage, however, it’s often just sick game-playing or a masked attempt to steer the relationship in the direction she wants it to head. A humbled female who plays this sort of game is on very thin ice. If the male she is with understands control and the various ways in which it works, he’ll see through these pantomimes fairly quickly and be quite angered by her dishonest and disruptive behavior.

There are some common elements among these various forms of feminine drama. One seems to be a tendency to often confuse imagination with reality. Another is a female’s inability to trust the leadership of the person she is closest to and whom she has sworn to obey. There is often a malicious urge at the heart of all this behavior, an urge to see what will result from her deceptive games and creation of false dramas. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, these behaviors are frequently attempts to covertly control the man she supposedly serves. She is trying, whether she knows it or not, to be the secret puppeteer pulling his strings.

Motives

Why do women act in these counterproductive and sabotaging ways? There is no single simple answer. It’s possible, for instance, that overthinking or overplanning may be a byproduct of natural human female nurturing behavior. Planning for the small contingencies can help to keep one’s young safer and healthier. This detailed-oriented style of thinking may be something hardwired into women through genetic selection. Additionally, a less direct manner of relating to the stronger and more aggressive male, as has been suggested in a number of studies, may have had survival value in human prehistory and thus be something a female was likely to pass on to her daughters.

Finally, there is the motivation that is hardest to talk about because it is, quite frankly, so ugly. It is the “cat knocking things off a mantelpiece” urge—the desire to amuse oneself by manipulating someone, playing with their emotions, and then seeing what results from all this.

But while the disposition to approach issues indirectly or even to overplan may be a genetic tendency, women aren’t unconscious reactionary robots at the mercy of rigid biological programs. They think, they observe, they can choose their actions, they experience the outcomes of their choices, and they can learn from all of this. Genetic predispositions, if psychological, can be overcome by upbringing, training, or simple self-determination.

Giving up control over one’s life and decisions is hard and, at times, frightening, even for the most devoted of servants! At the same time as she is trying to give up personal control, a woman new to being humbled may also, paradoxically, be trying to hang onto it, perhaps in small ways that she hopes her man will either not notice or not care about. The types of behavior being discussed here are clearly attempts to retain control, whether it be through planning for all possible contingencies or the creation of misleading dramas that direct a man’s attention away from the real issues. Her fear or resentment of his control may inspire her to work indirectly to sabotage it. Due to the odd way the mind can compartmentalize conflicting or contradictory thoughts, a humbled female can often do all of this while consciously believing that she is deeply obedient and utterly devoted to the man she serves.

Sometimes there is no fear of losing control or other strong emotion behind this behavior. Sometimes a female’s tendency to deceive is rooted in unthinking habits, her upbringing, or unconsciously held attitudes. Most women, in fact, are brought up to view this way of behaving as normal and only “slightly naughty.” The TV shows, movies, magazines, and online social media that surrounds us all demonstrate and encourage this behavior. Many girls learn it by watching and absorbing the way mom interacts with dad or how a sister treats her boyfriend. Sadly, young females are bombarded from a variety of sources with the message that deceiving men in order to control their attitudes or responses is not only OK but is what is expected of women.

Finally, there is the motivation that is hardest to talk about because it is, quite frankly, so ugly. It is the “cat knocking things off a mantelpiece” urge—the desire to amuse oneself by manipulating someone, playing with their emotions, and then seeing what results from all this. A female who cannot admit that she has this tendency in herself, even if only a little, is probably doomed to engage in this behavior far more frequently than her more honest sisters. Her ego, bound up with being “good,” will be blind her to the reality that she is capable of having these base impulses and even acting upon them. While innocence and pureness are part of many a humbled female’s self-image, a woman who cannot admit to herself that she is not perfectly innocent and pure is a woman living in a fantasy.

Identification

How does a humbled female come to realize she is pulling emotional strings to make others dance to her tunes if she has a blind spot toward seeing herself in that light and even believes her own cover stories? This can be a troublesome conundrum but there are a few ways around it. Below is a five-step method that works well for any sort of personal change, but is particularly useful when trying to spot unpleasant truths in oneself in order to do something about them. This method works by taking realizations in slow, gradual stages, each of which prepares the mind for the next step toward truth.

1. Examining the Past: When a behavior or attitude is unconscious but a woman suspects she might have it, the first place to look is in her past. It’s far easier to examine mistakes that are long over as they no longer carry the bite or pain of the immediate. In particular, a humbled female can examine her prior relationships with other men to see if she can remember engaging in manipulative strings-pulling or even just gentle attempts to direct a man’s behavior.

2. Examining the Present: If a humbled female can identify a few such incidents from her past, she can move on to the next step, which is to ask herself, “Have I felt any similar motivations or desires in my current relationship?” The chances are likely she will have felt such things, as her current relationship is often far more controlled, far more dependent on the man’s whims and decisions, than others she’s been in. Her deep dependency on him will quite naturally cause frustration or fear in her at times. Identifying and admitting to these feelings is the next step.

3. Connecting Motivation with Actions: If frustrations or fears crop up, the chances are high that a controlled woman may have taken steps, at one time or another, to relieve them. Maybe she did so in very minor ways like forgetting to confess that she stayed up a half hour later than she should. This is the sort of thing she can start to look for: small omissions and other minor attempts to make outcomes work out her way, perhaps by overemphasizing a physical or emotional problem. This is the most crucial step: to link the emotions or motivations uncovered in Step 2 with actual acts intended to satisfy or relieve the former.

The following checklist depicts some signs that these motivations—and perhaps actions—are at work in a humbled female:

    1. Worry about a non-existent issue and convincing herself that it is true.
    2. Testing the man by disobeying him subtly to see if he catches on.
    3. Thinking about him with clear disrespect or scorn.
    4. Embellishing or exaggerating negative feelings in order to manipulate her man.
    5. Indirect communication, perhaps by vague conversations or complaining about his behavior to others.
    6. Hiding large parts of her life from his eyes; having a second, secret life that doesn’t involve him.
    7. Attempting to snoop or pry into his private business without him knowing.
    8. Turning to others to build up support for her victimized position and to justify further disobedience.
    9. Advising him on the “best” ways to dominate her, instructing him in what works for her and what doesn’t.

4. Refusing to Wallow in Self-Blame: It can be shocking for a woman to realize that she is not as fully devoted to her man as she once believed she was, but remember, martyring out is quite often just another form of female drama, designed to engender pity in those exposed to it. Despite her guilt, it is essential for a humbled female to put this sort of thing into perspective: to err is human and we all make mistakes! But as these behaviors are destructive in the rarified relationship she now finds herself in, it is important for her to see where and how and why they are occurring without being destroyed by angst over what she finds out.

5. Telling Him About It: Communicating these types of things to her partner, as hard as this may be, will greatly relieve the mind of an unhappy, guilt-ridden female, ashamed of her behavior. She knows that when her controlling male better understand how she operates, he will be able to keep her (as well as him) safe from her worst excesses. His forgiveness, when it comes, will feel like a gentle rain on a parched land. She will feel intense relief that everything is out in the open and she can feel proud and happy for owning up to something difficult but very important to admit.

Outcomes

If the humbled female has carefully and conscientiously identified this behavior in herself, chances are likely the male in charge will be impressed by her thoroughness and desire to deal directly with such difficult issues.

If, however, she refrains from telling him what she must, he may eventually feel a sense of unease, of something being wrong or off-kilter in the relationship, even if he doesn’t know what. She will feel uneasy, too, and may even blame him for it. If left unattended, her slight feeling of unease, because fueled by unconscious guilt, may blossom into despair at her situation and contempt for her partner’s obtuseness.

The male may see through the female’s subterfuge and call her to the carpet. She may be disciplined for it or have to undergo many painful discussions in which he attempts to discover the extent of her trickery.

There’s also a possibility the relationship will just dissolve. The male may feel something is deeply wrong between them but may not be able to pinpoint precisely what it is and he might just call it all off citing “mutual incompatibility.”

Even worse, the man might not notice what is going on at all. Someone inexperienced with the ways of women may fall for the plots and subterfuges of his most devoted and loyal admirer. When a woman can control a man’s decisions through lies, false leads, charming guile, and misinformation, she has become the true power behind the relationship’s throne. If a woman who truly needs to be controlled manages to fool the man in this manner, she not only loses respect for him but she’s left feeling empty, sad, and insecure because she cannot count on his control, on his perceptiveness and intelligent ability to see through her ploys. She no longer feels safe.

But none of these outcomes has the potential for as much good as the one that can come from the humbled female simply kneeling before her man, sincerely admitting her mistakes, and asking for his forgiveness.

Prevention

To prevent such behavior from repeating or to prevent it from happening in the first place, self-knowledge is a humbled female’s greatest weapon. With practice, a woman can become exquisitely aware of when she is doing this sort of manipulation and how she is doing it. As soon as she notices it, it is best for her to honestly admit the behavior to the man who controls her. After begging his forgiveness, she can humbly ask her man for help in fixing this problem and with his help, she can figure out ways in which she can act that are more conscious and straightforward. Further, she can graciously and obediently accept discipline for her transgression, even if it is harsh and unexpected, knowing that the remembered unpleasantness will help her to avoid these acts in the future. Going forward, a humbled female can try hard to stay aware of and on top of her tendency to engage in any subversive behavior. She won’t assume that because she confessed to it once that it will never happen again. Instead, she’ll recognize that female nature is flawed in certain areas and always be on the lookout for recurrences of this behavior.

Deception of any sort toward the man she has sworn to obey is a very serious problem for a humbled female. It can indicate a great many things: that she doesn’t trust him; that she feels, however minor, some disrespect for his abilities to know her, own her, and control her; that she’s still testing him; or that she is unable or unwilling to get a grip on automatic, habitual, and destructive female behavior. Deception can be deadly to any relationship and if it is engaged in by a supposedly obedient female with the intent of turning the tables on her superior, it twists that relationship into a travesty and a lie. What started out as a heavenly way of existing becomes a living hell for the female who tries to assume the role of the puppet master. It is, as I’m sure many of you will concede after deep reflection, not a role worth taking up or continuing in the least.

____________________

© 2005-2014 Humbled Females

December 23, 2012

Deconstructing Obedience

Jessica M.

deconstructingobedience

Artwork ©Steve Hanks

Obedience, to me, is a living breathing thinking creature that, like any animal, interacts with its environment in complex ways. Deconstruction suggests tearing off the wings off a bird in order to learn how it flies. And that’s not a very “constructive” approach, is it?  I don’t want to deconstruct living obedience in that sense but I do want to examine more closely what it is. I think that by understanding obedience better, I can better serve a man someday.

What inspired me to write this? Well, to be honest, certain discussions I read on the web really bother me. I cannot name who or where because when consulting management about writing this article, I was told to avoid “naming names,” but I can characterize them a bit. Maybe some of you have read similar threads and will know exactly what I am talking about.

In such threads, someone asks questions like these: What does it mean to serve a man? What does it feel like to you? How does it make you happy? How does it make you sad? Some women answer these questions with answers that seem superficially profound in their simplicity. But to me, such answers are more often profoundly meaningless. Take this response, for instance:

Being a man’s servant means to obey.
What makes me happy is to obey.
What makes me sad is to obey.
What makes me (anything) is to obey.

While everyone else seemed utterly awed by the elegant Zenness of this oversimplified proclamation, I was personally groaning in pain. I was so tempted to write back:  Oh. Well. If that’s all there is to being a humble servant of one’s husband or master, then I might as well just kill myself and get it over with! To think all this time I believed  that there was something more to obedience than “just obey!” So silly of me to think there might be something a little more complex, like thinking, involved! 

I know, I’m being a little sarcastic. Maybe more than a bit! Responses like this just strike me as incredibly vapid, and I couldn’t believe that all those otherwise intelligent readers actually fell for it. Something in such writings must be incredibly tempting to inspire all of the blind head-nodding that went on in the thread. I now think I know what that something is. It’s the kind of idea, that, like any good slogan, inspires “feel good” emotions and entirely shuts off thought and the need to take action as well:

I just obey. Yep, indeedy I do! Now I can go back to sleep. Snore! I know that even in my sleep I am obedient because I just obey!  

People like slogans precisely because these hypnotic phrases sound so right. Slogans do indeed allow people to “sleep” or coast unthinkingly on automatic through life while feeling at the same time that they are doing something great and wonderful.  I don’t have to figure out anything, work at anything, overcome anything, or learn anything. I just…obey. And anybody can do that because everybody knows what obeying means, right? Well, not exactly.

You see, unless someone is living in a very predictable rut where everything always remains exactly the same and she habitually obeys the same set of orders over and over again with no variation, it seldom works out  that “just obeying” is just, well, obeying.  The thoughts and feelings a person has around the act affect it in ways that make it more than just the action of a simple machine. For a thinking, feeling woman, each act of obedience is different than the next. “Just obeying” may be fraught with doubt (can I even begin to do something like this?), confusion (did he really mean I should do it that way?), motivation (this seems tough, but I can do this, I can find a way!), and fantasy (Of course the great and wonderful me can do this. I can do anything I set my mind to. No Problemo!).

Unfortunately, by encouraging athletic-style “don’t think, let your body do it” advice toward something that often requires thought in order to be done best, it presents what should be (and is) a living, breathing process as something very flat and shallow, and subsequently, not very helpful for those attempting to get at the core of things where obedience is concerned.

Machines don’t think or feel so they don’t add any of this mental or emotional background color to the act. When you push the candy machine’s button, the candy drops down into the slot, provided you’ve added the right amount of money. But people aren’t vending machines, despite what Little Miss Just Obey suggests! People are far more complicated, and every act they do, whether they are aware of it or not, is laden with meanings, unconscious assumptions, attitudes, responses, associations, and all sorts of other mental and emotional overtones that change a simple melody into a complex (although sometimes cacophonous) symphony. It is that symphony that interests me. So without further ado, I’ll dive into it.

For me, obedience breaks down into three major components that, while separate, are also intimately related: the act of obedience itself, the mindset behind the act, and the consequences of the act. I’ve already discussed the idea of looking at just the act of obedience in isolation, so I’m going to move on to the next two elements.

Mindset

It seems to me that why you obey and how you feel or what you think of as you obey are all very important elements. Some might argue that they do not matter, that “just obeying” is all that counts and in one sense they are right. When given an order from her man, a good woman obeys quickly, gracefully, and, if needed, with the appropriate degree of competence or skill. She does not argue back, balk, over-question, stall for time, ignore the command, present alternatives, or hesitate. I suspect that this is what the “Just Obey” crowd is trying to get at with their oversimplified Nike-like ad slogan. Unfortunately, by encouraging athletic-style “don’t think, let your body do it” advice toward something that often requires thought in order to be done best, it presents what should be (and is) a living, breathing process as something very flat and shallow, and subsequently, not very helpful for those attempting to get at the core of things where obedience is concerned.

In my experience, a mindset toward obedience is composed of a number of elements. Among the most important are:

Motivation, or why I obey. The reasons I obey and the attitudes that I bring toward the act of obedience.

Method, or how I obey. How I carry out the specific order. This can involve know-how and it can involve attitude.

Mood, or the feelings that arise when I obey. The feelings I have when first given the order and the emotional responses felt during its execution.

Why are these mental and emotional elements important? Because, invisible as they may be except to me, they have an impact. They color and shape my act of obedience. They change it, not just for me, but also for the one giving me the command.

A woman can obey for positive or for negative reasons. A positive reason to obey might be because she wants to please her man, make him happy in general or happy with her specifically. Another positive reason might be because she respects him and is honoring her word to obey him in all things, great and small.  A negative reason to obey would be because she knows she can manipulate a man by doing so: make him think or feel or do what she wants with her obedience. Another negative reason could be because she is too terrified to do anything else. (This is not always bad, but if fear of a man is the only reason why she is obeying, it doesn’t strike me as a very strong basis for continued, lasting obedience.) A third negative reason to obey could be because a woman has turned her “perfect obedience” into an act of egotism. She obeys so she can feel superior in her mind and heart to those less obedient, not because she cares about how the man she serves is affected by her obedience.

The motivation behind one’s obedience affects the experience of obedience and what it personally feels like. Over time that can affect the consequences of obedient acts, but that’s jumping ahead a bit. I think it’s pretty clear that the motivations brought to an act of obedience change the experience of the act, at least for the person doing the obeying. And, over time, those experiences can become habitual. If a woman feels inordinately proud and superior each time she obeys a simple command, it becomes easier to feel that way the next time she obeys a command. As time passes, she becomes prouder and prouder, more entrenched in her own superiority over all those other women she sees who “can’t do it nearly as well as she does.”  But she also becomes, at the same time, less and less attuned to the needs of the man she serves. She barely thinks of him and his happiness when she obeys—it’s all about her, ironically. It’s all about her growth, her superiority, her skills at obeying and being better than the others. She becomes an inward braggart.

On the other hand, if a woman obeys because her man’s happiness is everything to her and because it fills her with joy to see him satisfied and happy then the next time she obeys, she hopes to feel more of that joy. So she tries especially hard to satisfy him. Her focus on him and her exclusion of other factors (fear, doubts, pride, and blind, unthinking habit) makes her love him and want to serve him even better. It makes her pay attention to him and his needs rather than simply perform a mindless act. And that mindful attention likewise grows and grows.

Method is important, too.  A woman can sweep the kitchen floor in a sloppy, fast, careless manner because she’s anxious to get back to her computer game or to her kinky social network where she can boast to others about how obedient she is and post the latest shots of her naked bod, all to garner attention…or she can sweep the floor correctly, slowly, skillfully, thinking about what she is doing, finding better ways to do it, careful to get the crumbs in the corners, able to set aside her other thoughts about what she’d rather be doing in order to focus totally on what she is actually doing. She’ll notice spots on the floor and stop to clean them with a mop or a sponge, instead of ignoring them because she’s been ordered to sweep only, not wash, and she’s in such a great hurry. She can be there in the moment, feeling her obedience, realizing that she cannot disobey anything her man tells her to do.

She can feel her obedience instead of being lost in a fantasy about something else. This helps her to realize that she feels good or bad based on how she performs even the simplest acts.  Or she can be thinking instead about doing her nails or the TV show that’s coming on soon or how she’s going to handle herself at work the next day or what to get her son for his birthday, in other words, thinking about anything except the boring crumbs on the boring floor. Guess which floor will ultimately look better? And guess which mind will ultimately feel better and be better suited to obey the next time?

Sweeping the floor sounds like such a little thing, such a trivial thing, but if it’s an order given to you by the one you worship and obey, isn’t it highly important to perform it right? And if a woman doesn’t regard this as highly important, how can she possibly regard the one giving her the order as highly important?

Mood, I think, is something that might arise from motivation or method. It also, in turn, influences them. It’s an interactive thing. We all have experienced how mood affects performance. If you are anxious about something you’re much more likely to perform some nervous act that harms the outcome or even be too paralyzed to act at all. Ordinarily, a woman won’t feel overly anxious about what she does unless it is something new and unfamiliar, something she lacks confidence in doing, or unless she is brand new to submitting. But she will certainly feel other emotions in response to receiving an order or while obeying it.  She may feel irritation, for instance—irritation at being interrupted while in the middle of doing something else (even something else for him) that she considers to be more important or more interesting. She may feel resentment because she is sick or in pain and here he is ordering her to do all this stuff despite how terrible she feels. She may feel eager, bored, curious, angry, expectant of a reward, discouraged, sleepy, happy, grumpy, drunkenly elated (I had to break up the seven dwarves metaphor!) or nothing much at all in response to the command. She may be shutting her feelings down because she believes that servants just mindlessly obey, they do not feel anything when they are obeying. Not if they’re doing it right, anyway.

Most women, by the time they realize they want to serve a man, come with a slew of habits and attitudes already formed. A skillful, controlling male will utilize the good habits/traits and burn or weed out the bad ones.

Why are feelings important when a woman is obeying? Because they color the experience, they make it pleasant or unpleasant, and these experiences, in turn affect how she feels the next time the order comes up. I might remember, for example, how I felt the last time I was ordered to cut my spending and that memory might slightly influence how I feel the next time I am told to cut my spending. I also think that the mood you are in when you do something influences how you do it and how well you do it. If I am distracted and stressed, my focus on the physical act is likely to be spottier than if I am relaxed, open, and just living in the moment. If I associate obeying an order with boredom, I’m going to tend to feel more and more bored each time I do it. Eventually, this may become a part of what I think of as my “root personality”: I am a person who is bored when performing menial tasks.  This sort of stubborn attitude can, over the long run, get in the way of obedience. Nobody likes to feel bored and it’s natural to try to escape boredom, when possible.

Consequences

The most immediate consequence of obedience for a woman is the response of her man. If she obeys well, with alacrity and skill, he will be pleased, or at very least content. She will not be scolded or punished. There will be no dreaded “little talk” later. If she obeys poorly, puts off the command, performs it in a half-hearted or incomplete manner, he may be displeased or disappointed with her. Depending upon the relationship, she might be punished for this, she might lose privileges, or experience other signs of his displeasure. One form of psychological punishment that is very hard for some women to bear is when the dominant man stops issuing the order entirely because he feels she is too incompetent, incapable, or unwilling. This can provoke tremendous guilt in a servant with a conscience. Strangely enough, it can also breed resentment against him:

How dare he feel I am not competent or capable simply because I screwed up this once! How dare he take this responsibility away from me? 

But there are other consequences, too. One that I’ve already touched upon is the tendency for single acts, feelings, and thoughts to become habitual. If it feels good or if it feeds a hunger in someone, even if that hunger is not ultimately a good thing, they are likely to repeat it. Habits, over time, can become quite strong and even morph into rock-hard personality traits. Something that began as a single simple response to a single act can, with constant repetition, become hardened into an unchanging aspect of one’s personality. If that aspect is a good one that benefits the man a woman serves, that is good–great in fact! But if the response is a bad one that hinders, hurts, thwarts, or channels her obedience into something less savory, it can be a terrible or tragic thing if it becomes hardened into a habit.

Most women, by the time they realize they want to serve a man, come with a slew of habits and attitudes already formed. A skillful, controlling male will utilize the good habits/traits and burn or weed out the bad ones. How willing he is to do this second thing, this weeding of her mental garden, depends a lot on how negative and entrenched the habitual behavior is. Some females are beyond hope or help in this regard and it is tragic that they feel they must obey when these very hard, crystallized portions of their personalities prevent that obedience. A woman who is not in that situation, who is actively and happily serving a man, can look at her less-fortunate sisters, the females her man shudders over and says he’d never want them serving him, as examples of what she could become if she is not mindful about the formation of habits, particularly bad habits.

Another very important consequence of obedience is that if a woman obeys in the right fashion (usefully, helpfully, constructively) she can more easily spot it when she’s being disobedient, even in an attitude like boredom. Her sensitivity toward obedience becomes more finely tuned, more accurate, more detailed, and more wonderfully diverse, like diving into a fractal. The simple act of obedience through mindfulness becomes more and more enriched through complexity, not less so. In other words, she is learning. More each day. And her obedience and attitudes during obedience improve as a result. This starts an upward spiral, a momentum, that becomes difficult to derail or sabotage with negativity. Eventually, the serving woman may become so exquisitely conscious of what she is doing as she obeys that she can be said to be “just doing it” or “just obeying.” But she has earned, through her consciousness and critical attention to detail, the right to say she “just obeys,” because within those two simple words there is now in her mind a near-infinite universe of meaning.  Most women who want to obey a man try to run before they can even crawl: they take the easy way out and never closely examine why they obey, how they obey, or what they feel when they obey. Instead, they adopt easy slogans, such as “I just obey.” They may obey, after a fashion, but that obedience is empty and meaningless compared to what it could be.

November 14, 2012

One No More

Nina E.

Being one of several female servants

Artwork ©Paul S. Brown

“If love was a choice, who would ever choose such exquisite pain?”

—Lady Tuptim

The curtain opens on a classic scene from a movie. It might be The King and I or something similar. The scene occurs in a lush, luxurious harem where a Western woman is speaking with the Asian first wife of the king. The first wife lives in this harem with dozens of other girls, many of whom are much younger and more beautiful than she. The first wife and mother of the heir to the throne is trying to to explain to the strangely independent Western visitor what her life is like. She wraps her story in a metaphor:

Once upon a time there was a mighty oak tree and nearby grew a tiny sapling. The tiny sapling loved the large oak tree and basked in its attention. It grew taller and stronger, contemplating the mighty oak and taking comfort in its benevolent attention. But, as time passed, many more saplings sprouted between the first little tree and the mighty oak. They, too, grew tall and strong and eventually the first sapling could no longer see her beloved oak. There were too many other trees between her and him. Likewise, the oak no longer saw her, as he was focused on the newer saplings closer to him. The little tree grew increasingly sad and lonely.

This is obviously a Western romantic-love interpretation of what was once a common Eastern and mid-Eastern living situation: a large harem of wives and concubines. Unrealistic as it was, this scene pulled on every monogamous heartstring in the theater because the first wife’s obvious suffering was what we would expect to feel in similar circumstances. Likewise, the thought of being a part of a smaller, modern-day harem often fills a submissive woman’s heart full of dread and sorrow. She will not ever be his one and only, nor even necessarily his favorite girl—other women will get his attention how, when, and where he wishes. There will be times when he will not be available to her, no matter how strongly she feels she needs him. She may wonder how he can possibly care for her and another woman (or more) equally. While this is the lot of many a genuine and devoted female servant—to live a life totally dedicated and faithful to the man she worships but never to experience total fidelity or monogamy back, to always be one of several female interests—the fears described above usually dissolve under the rule of a wise male who has chosen his humbled females wisely, too.

What does being one of several actually feel like for the humbled female? I believe I can answer this question, as I am one of several. To keep the narrative consistent, I will describe this experience in the third person, but feel free to think of the depictions below as my own experiences or very closely related to them.

First and foremost, being one of several means the humbled female must accept the idea that she will not be the only woman in the life of the man she loves. This is a huge hurdle for most women raised in this day and age as we are still brought up with the traditional idea that the man we fall in love with is “ours,” that he “belongs” to us in some fashion and that even if he is our master, we own him every bit as much as he owns us. The typical female ego needs to believe that a man she is involved with is indebted to her, couldn’t bear to live without her, in fact. When she encounters a truly independent man who doesn’t respond to her personal erotic control, she will sometimes be shocked, but more times than not simply disbelieving. “I’ll cure him in time,” she thinks to herself. “He’ll realize sooner or later that he can’t live without me.” This is her ego speaking: this is self-love founded on the soft ground of insecurity but many deluded women call this ultimate selfishness and self-regard, “True Love.” They are, in a sense, right. They have “True Love” all right. But only for themselves.

Such an attitude, obviously, is entirely at odds with the concept of belonging to a man, being his loyal female servant and even property to do with as he wishes, but many a submissive woman tries to fit these two conflicting ideas in her head together and often without much foresight. Somehow, magically, she will belong to the man of her dreams and he will, equally magically, want nobody else but her. Because a lot of men are raised with the concept of monogamy, a humbled female has some possibility of attracting or being attracted to a monogamous man, but such men often aren’t the ones the humbled female is drawn to. She is drawn to a stronger, sterner type—a man who knows his own mind and does as he wishes, a man with balls who will not compromise his basic principles to please a mere woman, no matter how special she is to him, a man who cannot be pussywhipped. She cannot be with such a man and also expect to run things her way. That is a crucial principle of obedience and humility that all humbled females learn, although if the the female is one of several from the beginning, she most likely learns it more quickly.

After overcoming their primary fears and insecurities, the women of a harem-minded man may have to give up certain ideas and expectations about what coexisting with other females under his rule will be like or should be like, even if these ideas are quite positive. The harem situation will be whatever the dominant male wants it to be, not what any of its members imagines or desires it to be. Sometimes other females may live with him and sometimes they might not. He may go to see them or bring them to his house for extended visits. He might want them all separated by distance or keep them all together under one roof. A female may become a close friend or associate of another of his females or she may not. She may be required to bear his children or he may assign that role to another of his girls.

If a dominant man truly controls his females and not the other way around, none of them, no matter what their seniority or their charms, will be able to direct the household organization, set their own status in his house, or determine whether certain girls are accepted into it or not.

She may be encouraged to be beautiful and feminine at all times, even transformed with surgery and other extensive beauty treatments into an ideal love doll or she may be required simply for menial labor. She may be a female he proudly takes out on his arm to parties or events to show off or one, perhaps equally beautiful, that he insists remain secluded and isolated in the home, scrubbing the tub while he is out on the town with one or two of his other girls. There is often a keen wisdom attached to this seeming arbitrariness. The male may recognize that his Cinderella-like tub scrubber has a natural masochistic need to be made the least of his girls, to be denied most of the stimulation and privileges that they are allowed. He may be doing her a great kindness in forcing her to stay at home and clean while they go out and have a good time. Alternatively, he may do it to teach her a finer lesson in humility.

If a dominant man truly controls his females and not the other way around, none of them, no matter what their seniority or their charms, will be able to direct the household organization, set their own status in his house, or determine whether certain girls are accepted into it or not. That’s a lot to not be in control of for the females concerned, but for a female who craves to serve and submit to a stronger will, that lack of control should greatly relieve her mind: it reassures her that his rule is real and strong. For someone who really needs to be directed by a man, being one of several, painful as it may initially seem, is a condition she can learn to adjust to. She must enter the situation, however, with as few expectations as possible. Being one of several does not necessarily mean she is going to have “sisters” or new best friends forever. It doesn’t mean she’ll have a loving replacement family or an opportunity to compete in a cutthroat fashion for “alpha” or “favorite” role. It is not a situation for her to use to play out acceptance or rejection dramas or air other old emotional baggage within. Instead, it is an opportunity to give up far more in her service to her beloved male than her monogamous counterparts ever face. It offers many wonderful opportunities for selflessness, for sacrifice, and for learning to love these things and the special satisfactions they bring.

A humbled female will likely learn in her experience of being one of several that:

1. Being alone and missing him deeply makes her, at the same time, very happy because she’s overjoyed that he’s having a good time with someone else. It’s interesting how a woman subservient to a man’s every whim can experience two very different feelings at the same time, but it is possible. Poets and mystics throughout the ages have described this experience:

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend,
Nor services to do, till you require.
Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour
When you have bid your servant once adieu;
Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought
Save, where you are how happy you make those.
So true a fool is love that in your will,
Though you do anything, he thinks no ill.

—Shakespeare, Sonnet 57

This classic and sometimes over-quoted sonnet contains a profound kernel of truth at its core: it is possible for a slave to be happy, overjoyed even, when thinking about her master’s pleasure and pursuits even if they seem to deprive or hurt her, even when she’s feeling lost, alone, longing, even jealous. Her master’s joy and contentment makes her suffering moot in comparison. She still feels the suffering, of course, but on the ladder of her mental and emotional priorities, it take a far lower rung than his own happiness.

2. Seeing someone else get all or most of the attention, sex, opportunities for service, or even beatings (whichever of these she values or desires) is bearable, even quite tolerable and that she can learn to overcome childish emotional responses of unfairness, insecurity, or jealousy over these things. She is with a strong man and secure in the knowledge that she, too, is valued for her unique contributions to his life and that he is not one of those weak-willed fellows pulled around through life by his member and thus likely to abandon her in order to chase a random lust. If she has chosen wisely, the man that the humbled female adores is made of much sterner stuff and she can relax and be deeply content with her own role and place in her Lord’s realm and not constantly covet others’ roles or the attention he gives to them.

3. She can, for the most part, control her female nature and refrain from creating drama even if she feels very bad. Of course, no female is perfect at this but some learn not only to restrain themselves from the worst of womanly behaviors but even to love being the object of apparent emotional cruelty or rejection for the same reason some others love physical cruelty: because it gives him intense pleasure to treat her that way and she loves to please him. Not all females are born for this sort of masochistic role, of course, but if a humbled female has this particular darkness in her, a strong male will likely see it and may draw it out and she will find secret joys in pleasing him in this fashion. She can feel content in her selflessness and the opportunities it provides her to grow and become a more flexible, loving, useful servant to the man she adores.

4. So many opportunities for personal growth and for becoming a better woman exist within a multi-female household, opportunities that a female will never encounter if she has her dominant male all to herself. This is a wonderful thing for those who value becoming less selfish and better able to serve and please their men. But there is one other aspect of being one of several that provides a personal benefit to the humbled female and is connected to self-interest, not selflessness. It is an observable fact that many dominant men, the men that are the most intense, strong, brilliant, charismatic, and attractive, have multiple girls. They have not committed themselves to a single female. If a submissive female wishes to belong to a truly extraordinary man or even to catch his eye, she must be willing to accept that she will not be the only female in his life.

But if she’s never been part of a harem and if she’s been raised to expect monogamy how does the humbled female get used to this new and possibly frightening situation? Each female approaches this problem in her own way and must find her own answers but to offer a bit of hope, there is a core truth that slowly emerges when a female is firmly devoted to serving a wonderful man. While such a woman must discover this truth inside herself and see her own evidence for it in her daily experiences, it doesn’t hurt to anticipate its arrival. Thinking upon this truth will help a woman in this situation in times that are difficult and stressful, such as when first coming into a household with one or more other women already in place serving the man that she also loves or when faced with his acquisition of a new girl. This core truth is that everything that comes from the dominant man that she loves, every experience she has under his rule, is a gift from him. It may hurt or it may not seem like a gift at the time, but a female should never doubt that it is a gift and that it is what she needs to help achieve her personal, cherished desire to grow into a better and more beloved servant of his: more loyal, more loving, more obedient, more competent in the areas he wishes competence from, more content with her lot in life, and more closely attuned to his desires with every passing day.

This inspiring idea may sound great, but is it really true? Is it actually something a humbled female experiences? To answer that question requires one to look closely at the way most people experience their lives. Encounters and experiences of all sorts mold and change the average person in almost random ways. Unlike the coherent, logical stories of growth we tell ourselves about our pasts, such as “I did X which caused Y to happen which in turn led me to anticipated meeting Z,” we are actually the products of far more random and accidental influences. We are flung in unexpected directions across the billiards table of life, never anticipating those twists, turns, and random accidents of fate that cause us to change course and experience profoundly different outcomes than what we had expected. It is only in retrospect, when the experiences are long past, that we take these unplanned-for events and weave them together into a coherent whole.

To put it another way, we’re not near the corner pocket of life because we managed to valiantly or cleverly roll there; we’re there because of the random movements of other pool balls that knocked us near that corner hole. For most people, their true story, if they could but admit it to themselves, might go something like this experience of a friend of mine:

I thought I wanted to be a doctor when I grew up but instead I majored in political science because I found a college professor my course schedule randomly assigned to me so inspiring. I applied to a lot of grad schools but never got accepted by my top three choices so I settled on the sixth one because it was pretty equal to all the remaining offers, would put me in a new part of the country I hadn’t seen before, and happened to be far away from my parents, an influence I was eager to escape. While getting my graduate degree I thought one night that I was working too hard and decided to go out. I went to a party thrown in a frat house and there I met my husband-to-be. He wasn’t my normal type but he charmed me that evening—perhaps because I was drunk—with a gesture and a clever joke, and that was that. Later, I told myself that I always would have picked him for a mate, as we are so very compatible, but is that really so? Would we have noticed each other that night—or any night—if we both hadn’t been a little drunk and thrown together by random accident?

Notice the pattern in the above? The pattern is that there is no pattern. There is no plan. Things just…happened. That is how most lives happen, if the people living them are but willing to admit it to themselves. Whether or not a humbled female perceives the randomness that is the actual life experience of almost everyone, once she meets and falls in love with or nonetheless comes under the control of a dominant male who decides to take her for his own, once she is knocked into the corner pocket of service to him, the billiards-like randomness of her experience is slowly eliminated through the deliberate and willful addition of new experiences that he determines she should have and the elimination of other experiences that he no longer wants her to have. In the hands of a competent and power-conscious male, her environment becomes much more controlled, much more predictable, much more attributable to a prime cause: his will. In what ways her life is controlled depends on what his plans are for her: how he has decided to use her service to him. She may or may not be told what these plans are. Fully knowing what lies ahead in every detail, however, is no longer important for her. What is essential is that she obey him, even if she feels blind or unsure. This is the path of happiness for somebody whose body, mind, and heart is owned by another. It is the path of the true servant.

The environment, the experiences, the sensory inputs, and the sources of mental stimulation for a service-oriented woman devotedly and obediently serving a strong male can be summed up in one ancient phrase: her daily bread. A dominant male provides his females with their daily bread, with those tasks, requirements, information, stimulation, and other features of experience he has decided are best for them and his projected use for them. At times, there may seem to be very little influence coming from him other than a handful of “house rules” and protocols. At other times, it may mean literal control of all of the female’s senses and experiences for extended periods of time. Even during the times and situations where she seems to have a lot of exposure to randomness or outside influences, times when she feels relatively free, a controlled humbled female can see from how those random influences now affect her that her experience is, to more or less of a degree, being filtered, modulated, and controlled by the male that she serves.

When a man controls a female’s experience to that degree, then everything, in truth, comes from him. The humbled female’s daily bread of experience is controlled and shaped by him, and, like actual bread, these experiences, with their consciously controlled additions and omissions, are nutritious gifts from him. They feed her experience and the attitudes he wishes her to bear in his service. Even the things she perceives as bad (being forced to eat a vegetable she despises, getting a severe belting for disobedience) are gifts, because they shape her body, her heart, and her mind in the ways—sometimes understood by her, sometimes not—that he wants for her.

Being one of several can be one of the most challenging experiences a woman faces due to her prior conditioning and expectations about traditional, monogamous relationships and what she feels entitled to in them.

They make her more pleasing to him. And the more pleasing she is to him, the more likely it is she will be permitted to continue to serve him and bask in his glorious company and iron-hard control. Every experience that the man she serves gives the humbled female is a gift, a most precious gift.

One such gift, obviously, is learning to accept and live with the fact that she is not the only female in his life. Once she really feels this idea in the marrow of her bones then everything becomes so much easier for a humbled female. Being one of several can be one of the most challenging experiences a woman faces due to her prior conditioning and expectations about traditional, monogamous relationships and what she feels entitled to in them. These are ideas that nearly all females absorb from their parents or others around them as they are growing up. It’s hard to counteract these old, poisonous, useless ideas, to not let them color her experiences and cast certain realities (like the fact that he has other girls) in a most negative light.

A good way for a submissive woman to counter all of that old mental and emotional chatter is with a very clear understanding of what she ultimately needs and an idea of what it is she must experience to get there. At core, she needs him, the man that she loves and wishes to obey, obviously. She needs him in her life. Well, right there, this helps put those other things in their proper perspective in relation to her highest aim. These other things, like the presence of other females, become far less important compared to her ultimate goal and some may even become useful tools that help her to become the good, loving, serving female she really wishes to be. A few strong, positive truths can help a loving woman keep on course, keep working toward realizing her true nature. When she is aware that everything that comes from the special man in her life is a gift, then she is utilizing a powerful insight, an insight that will help her to turn away from her own selfish desires and turn toward that amazing beacon of light and hope that is the male who owns her…and bask in his marvelous, masculine warmth.

Yes, being one of several can be hard, perhaps even for a woman like the first wife of the king who is used to the idea of being one of several. But even harder is living without him, no? So why not make the very best of the situation: use it, as you can use any difficult life experience: to learn, to grow, to become a more ideal servant to a very deserving man. Love may very well be “exquisite pain,” but despite that, isn’t the grandeur of this experience the very thing that makes a woman’s life worth living?

____________________

© 2005-2014 Humbled Females

August 22, 2012

On Being A Lady

By Marc Esadrian

Artwork ©Ivan Slavinsky

Classy, feminine, and stylish ladies. Remember them? Vestiges of these women often speak to us from old vintage posters, photographs, movies, and paintings, reminding us of a once lovely classic femininity. Granted, class itself isn’t dead today, but if you think about it for even a moment, you’ll no doubt admit the feminine spirit of class has changed since the days of Audrey Hepburn and other well known icons of the past. It so often seems the energetic desire to please and pursue light-footed elegance has been supplanted by a slightly belligerent, if not stoic narcissism. Some might not find that particularly wrong, but I sometimes wonder what was so wrong with that traditional spirit once so celebrated.

Perhaps the classic aesthetic and the politics surrounding it represent a concept of restriction for women—but I have to ask if the near-palpable arrogance of the billboard femme fatale celebrated today is a freedom that’s wise to aspire toward for a woman hoping to truly please a man. Beauty is, without question, celebrated in our age, but it seems conventions of good manners and virtue are all but forgotten among so many today, and not just young women. It’s true that the norms have changed over the generations and this does cause confusion. Meanings of things sometimes do change, but that change doesn’t always mean we need to embrace it. Today, a woman can be thought of as “classy,” so long as she fulfills certain criteria. In this article, however, I am going to focus upon how a young woman can be a lady. I know … “lady” sounds so old to many of us, but it really shouldn’t, when we consider what the term really means. It may be an old-fashioned form of reference, but the idea behind what a lady is certainly hasn’t lost its appeal or meaning to young women. When I use the term, I mean a courteous, decorous, or genteel woman. She is polite. She is refined. She is elegant. She has high standards of graceful and pleasing behavior. Is that so bad? Probably not. Chances are that if you’re here reading these articles and that if you’re female, you’re already a lady or open to being a better one.

Whether it’s all review or something new to consider, we have put together a small list of the most essential things that make a lady. We hope you find this entry informative and fun. I’d also invite you to comment on this article and contribute your thoughts.

Generosity and Kindness

First and foremost, a lady gives of herself and treats others with thoughtfulness, magnanimity, and courtesy. She is a positive force, touching others with her beauty and kind attitude. The light that radiates within her becomes infectious to those around her. This isn’t a false light, however. The kindness she nurtures cannot be pretended or cleverly simulated with pretty affectation. She is light-spirited because her spirit is light. In this, sincerity is crucial. A lady understands wealth and status is fleeting; she knows these things do not define her. The essentially good and virtuous nature of her innermost character, however, is what she takes care to hone, value, and nurture.

Good Manners and Attention to Etiquette

Being a lady doesn’t mean you have to know every possible rule in the book, but it does mean you’ve developed a good understanding of how to be polite, respectful, tactful, and attuned to the feelings of others around you. You have given thought to how to best go about your way through the world without being abrasive and crude. Within you lies an intuitive simplicity that is aware of its surroundings and guides you through times of stress or challenge with dignity and fairness, never of a boastful, demanding, or envious heart that blinds you to what is good and virtuous in thought or action. Always be thankful for generosity directed your way and be a gracious host or guest. Take special care to avoid flare-ups of anger, bitterness, sarcasm, and extreme jealousy. Be thoughtful of others through the feminine empathy you are naturally blessed with. It’s really all the little human things about manners combined that make a lady exemplary.

“There are two ways of spreading light. To be the candle, or the mirror that reflects it.”
– Edith Wharton.


Poise

Being graceful and elegant is fundamental to a woman’s beauty. How you compose your gestures and your movements to beguile and please is a higher form of beauty that escapes the otherwise physically beautiful woman who lacks charm, but graces another woman with only half the visual appeal. Indeed, women who have mastered the art of good poise have an edge over the visually stunning but otherwise ignorant competition, and this is often verified from others who will say, “she’s not the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen, but there’s something about her.” By being graceful and elegant in your person, by showing a certain dignity and class in how you go about things and by honing these qualities collectively, the art of poise is captured and implemented.

“Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.”
– Sophia Loren

Posture

This is the age of little plastic windows, as we are all well aware. They beck to us with chimes, beeps, and the hypnotic glow of flashy images. It seems so many of us are busy communicating on smart phones, readers, laptops, and personal computers—that is, when we’re not watching movies or cable television. With all this concerted staring, necks are getting pulled forward and the spinal “hump” caused from this is gradually setting in. Take a moment to straighten yourself out and carry yourself with good posture. Whatever you need to do—envision a string holding your head up, or a bar running vertically down your spine and up to the back of your head—do it. Having good posture will lend to a more elegant appearance. Never slouch! You’ll look more alert, more confident, and even slimmer if you pay attention to good posture. Your back will thank you, too.

Speech

People do judge us by the words we use, and for the lady, it’s no different. Taking the time and effort to communicate graciously and politely with others and avoiding the ugliness of constant swearing is the mark of a woman with class and self-respect. That doesn’t mean the dreaded F-word can’t pop out now and then, but she chooses moments to express such vulgar phrases with care. Note that a lady knows when saying nothing is quite appropriate, too.

Gossip, Gossip, Gossip

Women do have a tendency to love gossip. Getting the dirty laundry on others or simply talking about them behind their backs is tremendously tempting, and let’s face it, every human being is guilty of doing it to some degree. As a lady, however, you should avoid feeding this particular animal. Why? Because when it grows big enough, it will turn on you, too. Don’t for a minute think that the chatty company you keep won’t be talking about you behind your back the instant you’re not around. Note the biggest gossipers in your social circle: are they the types of friends you really want to be associating with? Is that the sort of person you want to become? Something to consider, perhaps.

“If it’s very painful for you to criticize your friends, you’re safe in doing it. But if you take the slightest pleasure in it, that’s the time to hold your tongue.”
– Alice Duer Miller

Respect Men

We have gone to some length on Humbled Females and in its official primer in describing how contemporary culture tends to lean toward an air of marketable misandry and simultaneous glorification of the female. The forces that be in culture are highly influential to our social attitudes and surrounding peer groups. Among female peers groups, there is a tendency to view males with condescension, suspicion, and ridicule. Pay attention to these things and make a conscious effort to not join in. Don’t talk disparagingly about your husband or boyfriend to your friends. And certainly don’t ridicule his sexual performance or worth as a man, overall, and politely excuse yourself or change the subject if others do so about the men in their lives. Be courteous and polite to men. Be aware of the subtle ways males are devalued in your social interactions and in larger society, overall. Fight against it in your own gentle way.

“I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it.”
– Marilyn Monroe

Dressing Beautifully

Modern society has arrived upon some disparate views about beauty. We certainly preach a lot about how decadent and meaningless materiality and “surface image” is, yet it’s obvious we value it tremendously, too. Dressing beautifully doesn’t mean you have to be a fashion snob or walk around looking like Scarlett O’Hara. It simply means you have style, love your femininity, and that you love being a woman, in general. Much of that can be expressed in the colorful gamut available in feminine raiment, so why not embrace being colorful and undeniably feminine in how you present yourself to the world? Find colors that work best with your complexion and eyes. Wear clean, coordinated, and eye-catching clothing that matches your personal style. Your clothes should fit your body and compliment your form, neither undersized nor fitting too loosely. Dress to please, but don’t show too much…a little mystery is far classier.

Cultivate Modesty

Modesty is a tricky thing to grasp in a world so ubiquitously plugged in, nurturing every self-centered impulse humanity could possibly have. Commercial media bombards us with assertions we deserve to have the best—that we’ll attain status, recognition, glamor, or fame if we embrace our egotism and find elevation à la consumption. Sycophantic marketing forces tickle our Ids and Egos into a state of trendy obedience. The Internet’s social circles turn us into braggers, constantly gushing about our wonderful lives. Amidst the cacophony of all this stroking, it can be a little challenging to remain humble and modest, to say the least, but doing so will make you far more pleasant to be around. It will give you a better sense of the world as it is, not as it looks through rocking, rose-colored glasses. Most importantly, it will lend you greater awareness of how you come across to others and keep your mind from slipping into the “all about me” show.

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
– Audrey Hepburn

Be Lovely

Every lady has a certain je ne sais quois to her aura and personality that is difficult to describe concisely, but if we were to attempt describing it in words, we might say that she is authentic, gracious, positive, giving, and thoughtful. She pays attention to the small things. She is kind and considerate in action, appreciative of others, and infectious with her smile. She is respectful and disciplined. She is beautiful. She is dependable and trustworthy. She knows how to truly love others. She is in deep touch with her humanity. She freely embraces her femininity and exudes an undeniable pleasantness, lightheartedness, and allure about her.

____________________

© 2005-2014 Humbled Females

July 19, 2012

The Virtue Of Silence

By Jessica M.

 

silenceTo me, the old saying “Silence is Golden” has a special meaning. When I hear that phrase, I picture a beautiful glistening golden apple stuffed firmly into the open mouth of a girl, like myself, who talks too much! I am often required in my relationship to wear this apple. By doing so, I have learned a lot and become better at submitting and pleasing. You see, nothing but good has ever come from my curbing my tongue.

Do you have a problem with speaking too much? Or maybe the question should be: how do you know if you do this or not? Well, are you female? Then join the club! Seriously, if you answered “Yes” to the second question, the answer to the first (with some exceptions) is most likely Yes, too. We women are communicators. We love to talk and are often very good at it. But sometimes we can fall into a habit of speaking too much and then it becomes a vice, no matter how skillfully we may speak.

How do you speak to your dominant male? Do you tell him everything? Every little detail in your life? Are you constantly chatting with him in person, texting him, emailing him, telling him all the boring little things that are significant to you because they happen to you but mean nothing to other people? Do you initiate most conversations with him? Do you still ask huge piles of questions despite the fact that you are beyond the early question-and-answer phase of the relationship? Do you get mad when he doesn’t answer all your questions or seems to ignore some very important points you have made? Do you ever feel resentment over his seeming disinterest or lack of communication?

I ask these questions because that is how I used to feel about the man in my life. I fully admit it, I LOVE to talk. And he wants to know about me, so he listens carefully to me…the first man in my life to ever do that! But I found I was taking advantage of his good nature and willingness to listen. The more he listened, the more important I felt I and my issues were, and the more important I felt they were, the more I talked. It was a vicious cycle in which I considered my communications (every single one!) of prime importance and great value. Only golden nuggets fell from my tongue. I didn’t realize it at the time, but the more I talked, the less I listened to my Sir or even wanted to listen to him. It took a shocking incident to wake me up to what I was doing.

I have been living with this wonderful male in my life (I’ll refer to him as S.) for the last three years. Mostly, it has been a very happy three years. But something happened not too long after we started living together that, at the time, shocked me and deeply hurt my feelings. Later, however, I considered it one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned in my life. He told me, very bluntly and abruptly, that I was a chatterbox, that I was annoying him with my constant speech, and that I would need to learn to talk less. I was quite taken aback by his tone and also very ashamed.

Here’s how it happened. We had gone on a drive to the mountains. I was excited and happy to be on this trip and I had talked the ENTIRE time in the car.

Instead of behaving like the good submissive female I like to think that I am, I’d been one of those people I hate when I encounter them at parties and clubs: a self-centered bore, who can only speak about themselves.

I told him stories from my past, asked him questions about my role in his life (then sometimes interrupted his answers with my own responses!), commented on the scenery, on other drivers, and generally (I thought) tried to entertain him. A few times he tried to break in and say something but I ignored him and spoke louder and faster, continuing with the subjects that interested me. I didn’t see this as rude; to me I was just “finishing a thought.” Each time I did this he fell silent and let me keep speaking. I didn’t think anything of it at the time…I was just gratified to be able to keep on speaking about what interested me or what I thought he “needed” to hear.

Later, after we checked into our cabin and had dinner, he built a fire and we both sat in front of it, gazing at the flames. For the first time that day, I was quiet. I felt happy, I’d had a chance to say everything on my mind and I was certain that what I had to say had entertained and, yes, “enlightened” my Sir. We had both fallen silent. “May I speak now?” he asked suddenly, into that silence. He asked this softly but with a menacing tone. “Um, of course, Sir!” I said, feeling obedient and happy to hear what he had to say. That’s when he laid out my bad behavior for me to see. It felt like he was dissecting me on a surgical tray. He pointed out in great detail that each time he had tried to interrupt my nonstop dialog in the car, I had overridden him. He asked me, “What sort of behavior is this? Is this how a good, obedient girl who adores her Sir and hangs on his every word behaves?” He continued to rake me over the coals like this for quite a while, and the more he spoke, the more mortified I felt. I saw my egotistical and self-absorbed behavior. After my slightly knee-jerk resistance to his words, I started to cry. I saw how I had been oblivious to him and to what he wanted of me.

My constant talking on this trip and at many other times with him was all about me: my concerns, my issues, my opinions, my perceptions, and each one I regarded as this precious pearl, something deeply valuable that I was giving him. It never occurred to me that with my constant talk all I might have been giving him was a headache! I felt so ashamed that night. Instead of behaving like the good submissive female I like to think that I am, I’d been one of those people I hate when I encounter them at parties and clubs: a self-centered bore, who only talks about themselves. I wanted the earth to swallow me whole that night. What was wrong with me? Where had my interest in Him gone? Where had my awe of him, my respect, my love of listening to his wisdom gone? When had I substituted telling him things he “needed” to hear for listening to his wisdom and hanging on his every word?

S. and I have continued to discuss this issue since that eye-opening night by the fire. He has forgiven me for my self-centered blabbermouth ways but insisted I start to change my behavior around him to a more respectful form. In particular I’ve had to become more sensitive to him, to hearing and seeing HIM, not hearing or seeing myself as reflected in him. He is not my captive audience there to gratify my need to speak. He is my Sir and the love of my life. I think I’ve learned a few things about silence and submission since that time and I’d like to share some of these with other girls, because I know that, being female, we all love to talk, particularly about ourselves. While this may not be an important issue for most women, a woman who desires to humble herself before a man she loves and admires may find her constant desire to communicate works against that goal, actually. In fact, she may find, as I did, that this need to constantly speak is her worst enemy. Here are some points about speaking and silence that I’ve been trying to absorb since that night at the cabin:

Is it hard to realize how much you talk until someone points it out?

Even if it feels terrible, don’t bite their heads off for doing so because they are actually doing you a favor! I didn’t notice how much I dominated the conversations I had with S., until he pointed it out. To me it felt like filling a void. He was silent, so I should speak. I even prided myself that this self-centered behavior was obedient and useful. I had no idea of what an annoying person I was becoming. Thank God S. gave me a heads up and showed me how I looked through his eyes.

You don’t own your master or sir, he owns you.

What I mean by this point is that he is not there for my convenience and gratification. I am there for his, because I serve him and not the other way around. And I can’t be there for him if I’m so self-absorbed that I make everything about me. A woman who talks or texts constantly and without letup about herself thinks it’s all about her. She has forgotten that she is there in the relationship to give her man pleasure and benefits. He isn’t there to serve her need for an appreciative audience!

When you finally shut up and just listen to your man, you learn many useful things.

But when all I do is talk obsessively I learn nothing. In fact, I am, deep inside, putting myself in the role of the “teacher,” the one with all the answers, the one who should always be speaking. What a frightful arrogance that is for any woman, but particularly for a woman who considers herself obedient and modest. When you fall silent, when you leave pauses in the conversation or write short emails that are about him or ask him questions, you give him a chance to speak of the things that he finds interesting and important.

In silence, you can remember why you serve and you can recover, as I did, your awe of his wisdom and love for his communications.

My Sir, when he desires, fills those pauses, those empty spots, but often only if I leave them for him. I am often surprised by what he tells me in these times. I have been quite surprised by what I didn’t know about S.—and may never have known if I’d continued in my non-stop train-wreck style of speech. In silence, you can remember why you serve and you can recover, as I did, your awe of his wisdom and love for his communications.

Men, in general, do not like to spend their lives listening to a non-stop talking woman or have constant conversations with one.

Women love to communicate with words. Men are a little different. They use other means to communicate besides talking or they enjoy just being themselves and doing stuff, not constantly analyzing and gossiping about petty nonsense. It makes sense to me that a woman who respects her man will use his style of communication, which is often “less is more.”

We can talk too much online.

Initially, when S. was teaching me how to control my constant desire to tell him every little detail about myself, he told me to use online socializing as an outlet, to pour out what I think might be unnecessary to tell him on Facebook, Fetlife, Twitter, and places like that. So I poured. And poured. And poured. Stuff about me rained out of my mouth and onto the virtual pages of these networks. Perhaps you can guess what happened next. I got obsessed with “pouring.” I started to live every spare moment I had online, responding to people, posting interesting (I thought) things that would get them to respond back to me, lapping up all the attention for being an online socialite. I was very well liked, had hundreds of friends, and people (mostly women but also a few chatty men) who responded to me as much as I responded to them.

I think that online relating is a good temporary Band-Aid for a woman who talks too much. It channels that avalanche of speech in another direction and often gives her man a much-needed breather! But in the long run it may encourage her tendency to be self-centered, which I think is at the heart of talking too much. Later, when S. began to wean me off such places, I found it REALLY hard to be denied my social network fix. But as I started to talk less in those places, I began to notice how much everybody else (well, the women, anyway) constantly talked about themselves or their ideas, but never really listened to others, except in the most shallow of ways designed only to get someone to pay more attention to them. I saw myself in their behavior. I had been acting in exactly the same way.

“Transparency” can be used as an excuse for boring our men to death.

Based on my own experience, I conclude it’s very easy to become obsessed with yourself as a submissive or a slave. Initially our sirs want to know all about us. They need that knowledge in order to control us. And they need this information to be good data, not false or selective facts. So transparency is encouraged to combat the desire to be secretive about the things we don’t want him to know. But with me sometimes transparency got confused with telling him every little thing I thought of as soon as I thought of it. It became a tool of my ego to get more attention. I was very guilty of this in the beginning because S. encouraged me to talk openly and not hide anything from him, no matter how far out it was, no matter how much I wanted to hide it. But I took it too far because I made no distinction between what he needed to know and what I wanted to tell him. To me, these two very different things were one and the same! It nearly reached the point where I thought that forgetting to tell him I’d had a bowel movement that day was “non-transparent!” Definitely a case of TMI.

When you talk or write too much you may not realize it is a problem. The best way to realize how much you do it is to stop it, completely, for a while.

My Sir has given me practices to do at various times to help me become aware of my tendency to over-talk. I’d like to describe a few of these.

Sometimes I have a day where I may not speak unless spoken to. He always chooses a day when he’s going to be physically present the whole time and he tells me I can signal him for permission to speak…but only if it is absolutely urgent and cannot wait. During those days he’ll check on me, he’ll ask me questions or he’ll say something then add, “you may speak” to the end, but I am required to keep my responses short and modest. Also, I don’t respond at all if not given permission.

Or we may have a “doggy speech” day: I can say one “arf” for yes and two “arfs” for no, and that is it. For the entire day! Again, I have a signal I can use if it’s a dire emergency or something that will really hurt him not to know at that time: I can turn my back to him and (blush) “wag my tail.”

At still other times he has randomly (he never warns me when he is going to do this) ordered me to stay offline for one or more days. I can still read, but I cannot respond to others or initiate conversations with them. I may be in the middle of an engrossing conversation in emails, too. Too bad. I cannot speak, even to tell others that I’m going to be missing for a few days.

There are more such exercises. (S. is very creative!) There are two points to doing them, he’s said: one is for me to practice self-restraint and learn to control my speech. The other is for me to observe how I feel when I am denied speech: to watch how my ego squirms and wiggles, trying to find some way to express itself, to get others to pay attention to me.

Talking too much is deeply disrespectful.

I know I mentioned this before, but this one is SO important. I think someone may have mentioned it in the forums here, too. It’s a sign that your ego is very “unaligned” with his, that you consider yourself and your interests, obsessions, fears, worries, ideas, whatever, far more important than him and his communications. This is the primary lesson S. has taught me: that when I am constantly blabbing away, whether to him or others but especially to him, I am usually not paying enough attention to him and what he wants. It is only by falling silent (for longer than a few seconds, that is!) that I start to think about what he wants, wonder what he is thinking, and desire to learn more about him.

Friendly chit-chat can quickly turn into bitchy, negative speech that is very ugly in a female who claims to be humbled.

Often I did this sort of speech with the people I considered my enemies, like strangers online who said something I didn’t like, who insulted me or my Sir, or who just said something I thought was really stupid. It is so easy for females to become nagging bitches or sly, bitter antagonists of anybody else that they consider “the enemy.” The bigger your ego gets, the more likely you are to do this, and you may not even notice the extent that you apply your words, like razor blades.

S. has given me “exercises” in this area as well. When I’ve complained bitterly to him about how dumb something written online was, he sometimes orders me to write the poster a supportive, positive response to it, even if he agrees it is dumb and wrong! He reads these responses before I post them and if he senses any hint of negativity, sarcasm, or my ego trying to score points in any other way, I am punished and then have to write a new response. We don’t do this one often, but it is one of the most interesting and hard exercises he’s had me do. It’s been interesting because it’s taught me to look at an issue from another perspective, to really be in that person’s shoes, no matter how much you hate being there. It is useful to be able to see something from another person’s point of view. But, to be honest, I really hate doing this. Sometimes the points of view he tells me to support are so… words escape me!  And since they have, I think it is more than time I end this essay! (smiles and puts golden apple back in its proper place)

Learning to curb your tongue is a life-long process.

S. just read my essay and ordered me to add one more point. Some women might think when they read this piece that I have “arrived,” that I know how to speak less and am super skilled at controlling my tongue. Unfortunately, the urge to over speak never seems to fully go away, at least in me, and I think that controlling my speech is a life-long process and not something I will ever have perfect control over. When I wrote this, for example, he was away on a business trip. It was just for a couple of days, but I missed him deeply. Although I have learned a lot about speaking less and making my words count when I do speak, I still forget at times, particularly when I am anxious, hyper, or experiencing some other distracting emotion. So yesterday, I wrote him dozens of emails. Literally, dozens. Most were short, but a few were longer. Most were trivial: they were about the things I was doing for him while he was away and asking him questions about them, but as I re-read them this morning, I saw that many were unnecessary. He had been responding to every single one, so I guess I felt that was giving me permission to bug him even more and with ever-more trivial things. Ahem.

Here’s an example: it was very hot over the weekend and His condo home became dangerously overheated, despite the fact that the air conditioning was working fine. It just wasn’t strong enough to combat the heat. I told S. about this in one of my many emails. He ordered me not to bake or broil in the oven as that seemed to contribute to the really bad overheating. So I avoided that but couldn’t resist asking him in email if I could pan-fry some chicken for five minutes. Sometimes it’s important to ask your sir clarifying questions about something that is important, but this was a silly one that a little thought on my own could have solved. He knows I use the stove top to heat water for tea or soup. He had not forbidden my use of it during the heat wave. So using it for a few minutes to pan-fry chicken was probably not something I needed to ask him. But not only did I ask him but I felt anxious and flustered when he didn’t respond immediately with directions about this trivial issue. Upon reflection, I believe this was my ego again, hard at work trying to get more and ever more attention and feeling frustrated when its ploy failed. I have noticed that when S. gives me more attention than usual, I seem to want even more. It’s like an unending hunger! That is why I think that, for a woman, learning to curb the tongue is an ongoing endeavor—once which will never be “complete” in her life so long as she can make words.

June 25, 2012

The 4th Element

By Nina E.

Kays to female submission

I have found that consensual slavery, like many other institutions and undertakings in life, runs decently on three basic fuels: hope (or desire), fear (or avoidance of pain/negative consequences), and repetition (or habituation). Each of these elements plays a role in keeping a slave enslaved. This isn’t theoretical mumbo jumbo I’m just tossing out of my brain, however. My life in serving and pleasing men has given me ample opportunity to reflect upon the core things I feel are necessary to make no-nonsense servitude work and function reliably without imploding in upon itself. I purposefully left love for one’s master out of the equation because, while it is a powerful mover, it’s not always necessary within all possible situations and scenarios. I also think it’s beneficial sometimes to put the haze of love aside and focus upon other elements that aren’t spoken of as much, but are just as important. I believe these elements are as follows:

Hope / Desire / Needs / Wants / Wishing / The “Carrot”

All of these words are synonyms for the same thing: the urge to experience or possess happy, beneficial things in one’s life. Hope, or looking forward to something good, is a very strong motivator. It increases a slave’s effort and energy output, and, if she is being managed right, this means the master will benefit as well from those efforts made in the name of hope or desire for better things, including her own self-improvement.

If over-emphasized, however, (and in most “master and slave” relationships that I see there is an inordinate amount of emphasis placed on the “slave’s” desires and their satisfaction), it can warp slavery beyond recognition into a selfish, mercenary rewards/barter/exchange institution: “I’ll perform oral service beautifully, Master, and not be all glum and depressed and do a half-assed job at it if you let me buy that lovely dress from Caché I crave. After all, I don’t crave it for myself—I just want to look nice for you out in public.” The words I just quoted are never said aloud, obviously. They may not even be conscious thoughts. Nevertheless, they describe a very real attitude and an unspoken agreement between many a “master” and his “slave.”

Fear / Repercussions / Discipline / Pain Avoidance / Punishment / The “Stick”

Fear, in humans, is an extremely powerful motivator. Pain, whether emotional or physical, hurts, and no matter how masochistic we are, someone clever can always find a type of pain or even just a type of non-painful but extremely boring or annoying experience that we will never wish to experience again.

If punishment is overdone, it can result in a below-par slave who performs to meet basic requirements only out of fear.

Pain, or other negative consequences, when associated with knowledge of the thing that we did to bring on the pain, is an extremely powerful motivator. Human minds work by association, by making connections between this thing and that thing, between one time and another time. Associating pain with a consequence of an activity or attitude that one should not engage in makes a powerful and lasting connection in a slave’s mind between something adverse she does not wish to experience to a behavior or attitude that her master wants changed. If reinforced and applied regularly, “the stick” permanently changes the slave’s behavior to a more desirable form.

If punishment is overdone, it can result in a below-par slave who performs to meet basic requirements only out of fear. Such performance is very limited and curtailed, often quite insufficient for the complex tasks that humans must do, because the slave becomes afraid to go beyond the safe boundaries of behavior or thinking that do not elicit pain, to make on-the-spot decisions that are required in complex undertakings, to act spontaneously, or take risks of any kind. A constantly fearful slave can be boring to be around and even disappointing if other elements–such as human companionship, advice, ideas, humor, even love–are also desired from her. Unless reveling in brutality is the only objective, fear needs to be balanced with other means of control.

Repetition / Getting Used to It / Conditioning / Brainwashing / Addiction / Ritual / The “Habit”

The third common element in most working human institutions, including slavery, is habituation. Do something enough times, say something enough times, think something enough times and it becomes a thing that you will do more, think about more, accept more and more as normal. The life of a slave who is really treated as a slave can be quite hard at times, but people can get used to pretty much anything that does not kill them. Habituating her to this life and influencing her to accept it as the only way of living is not done through brute force, unless you don’t mind losing everything else that you lose when you completely break down a human being. The quiet, smooth way to insure there is acceptance in the slave of her lot in life is the way of repetition, propaganda, conditioning the slave’s mind to accept your reality for her as not only normal, but as the only way to live, the desired way to live. This process is built alongside the other, less desirable aspects of her personality that she brings to the table, and eventually, when the work is done, supplants them. Doing this sort of long-term complex reconstruction successfully and without unwanted side effects emerging requires skill, considerably more skill than simple manipulations of the straightforward animal urges of desire and avoidance.

Often conditioning or habituation fails because the master simply lacks the knowledge or techniques to carry through with it correctly. All the information that is needed to do this is out there, but finding the right information and then applying it correctly (that is, not as a rigid “one size fits all” formula but as an individual prescription based upon the idiosyncrasies of the “patient”) can take considerable time and study. Blunderers in this area tend to lose their slaves or, often without realizing it, to corrupt them to a lower level of service such as the gimme-gimme-gimme desire-based “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” service described above.

These three fuels–hope, fear, and repetition–are enough to keep a slave running at a lower-than-it-could-be but steady and decent level of performance, particularly if they are balanced with one another and one element not over-stressed. However, in consensual slavery, which is the type that is most experienced today and the type of which I speak, another, rarer element can come into play that adds an extra dimension and transforms the merely adequate into the sublime. It’s an element that has to arise entirely out of the slave’s own mind and motivations. Unlike the three elements discussed earlier, this isn’t something that a master can do to her or directly influence or help her with. All he can do, if he is capable of this, is to be the sort of person who inspires her to develop this trait.

The Other Element

Picture hope, fear, and repetition as three lines that comprise an equilateral triangle. The three, when thus connected, provide an extremely stable, two-dimensional base. It is a base from which much can be built. The fourth element, however, is not another point on that base plane, it’s a point in an entirely different direction: depth. If you think of it as above the three and in the dead center of the triangle they form, you have the apex of a pyramid.

Above all else, the desire to give is an impulse or personality characteristic that someone may start feeling at a very early age and, when this is so, they will not feel right or fulfilled in life until they can express it fully. Ordinary life and ordinary relationships (including most that call themselves master/slave) provide very little outlet for expressing this urge and a person who has it often finds life pretty meaningless and pointless as a result.

This fuel is hard to describe because as soon as you start to talk about it, readers automatically associate it with commoner and coarser experiences (such as romantic love) that have very little to do with it and are not the same thing at all but are quite dramatic and fun to experience. That’s probably what’s going to happen here, as well, but we will have to try to describe it, nonetheless.  It involves a calm and almost–but not quite–unemotional desire to give to others, to see others benefit and an equal disregard for whether you benefit or not at the same time (basically, you already know that you will benefit because this attitude fulfills you). It involves taking a quiet joy in seeing someone else gain something of value, feel pleasure or happiness, enjoy some aspect of their lives. You “love” or “care” (I use these buzz words hesitantly as they immediately give the overly-romantic the wrong impression) far more about another’s pleasure, benefit, and safety than you do for your own.

Above all else, the desire to give is an impulse or personality characteristic that someone may start feeling at a very early age and, when this is so, they will not feel right or fulfilled in life until they can express it fully. Ordinary life and ordinary relationships (including most that call themselves master/slave) provide very little outlet for expressing this urge and a person who has it often finds life pretty meaningless and pointless as a result. It’s just jumping from one transitory and perhaps pleasant but utterly meaningless pleasure to the next. But as soon as such a person finds herself in a context in which she can unselfishly, unstintingly, and constantly give to someone or provide benefit to something significant to her, she feels at home, she feels as though she has arrived, she senses that she is finally doing what she has needed to do all of her life. Life becomes vivid again, adventurous, deeply gratifying, and worth living.

The fourth element is an urge that some calling themselves slaves have never experienced before (or even desired to experience) but as soon as they hear about it associated with slavery (a state they have managed to poisonously entwine with the tendrils of their metastasizing egos), they will arrogantly and automatically assume in their own minds that they, since they are such superb slaves, are already full to the brim with this meritorious trait. Those who genuinely experience this impulse do not normally associate it with merit or other self-aggrandizing concepts. If anything, they see it as something being given to them, a great boon, bestowed upon them by their masters–for indeed, given the dearth of contexts in ordinary life to experience the impulse to give selflessly, that is what it is. Some people spend decades looking for such a context.

In the right context, the urge to give selflessly without hope or thought of personal reward will grow, slowly and quietly, until it fills an obedient servant’s world. At the same time, the other person, the one whom she so desires to please and give to, slowly becomes all she sees, all that exists. She doesn’t feel much emotion associated with this, no maudlin sense of “deep self-sacrifice,” certainly no sense of loss at all (if anything, she feels great gain), no dramatic awareness of herself as a great martyr or a most wonderful, saintly person. It embarrasses and disturbs her, in fact, when the poisonous flattery and confused misinterpretations of sycophants describe her in this way. She simply feels a deep satisfaction: she feels as though she is doing what she was always meant to do, like a part in a car that works well because it fits perfectly in that particular car and is no longer being stuck into cars it was not designed for!

In a sense, her self starts to cease to exist, she starts to not experience herself, to not be aware of herself as a separate entity with separate needs from those of her master’s, to even lose consciousness of herself. But this isn’t the nothingness of some imagined hazy Zen satori. Instead, as she is emptying herself of her “self,” her now less-full awareness is being filled–to the very brim–with him: his needs, what makes him satisfied, what brings him the best benefit, his attitudes (which she adopts as her own), his goals. She identifies so closely with her master that she forgets herself. It is not particularly painful; it is not (except at brief moments) enlightened bliss, either, it simply is a practical fact of her experience– kind of like the sensation of wearing shoes and socks. It’s just there.

A wise master manages the desire to selflessly give and serve by steering it toward the goals he wants to achieve and the attitudes he wishes to see in the slave; by educating her about what pleases him and what doesn’t; and by encouraging those acts of selflessness that he approves of and discouraging those that, while equally giving, are not what he desires—whether at that specific time—or ever.

The fourth fuel, if it burns at all (it is rare, and, despite the lip-service of the egotists, seldom experienced by most calling themselves slaves, as it gets confused with the baser emotions of romantic, transaction-based love), is generated almost entirely by the slave and, as mentioned earlier, all the master can do to encourage its growth is be the sort of man who inspires this level of selflessness. This is not at all insignificant: it just represents a more passive form of involvement than the other three elements require. The trait, does, however, still need to be managed by a master who notices it arising. The giving urge is often indiscriminate (it can even be foolish) and thus requires direction into the desired channels and instructions about its use. A master who has experienced similar urges is in an ideal position to provide such instruction, whereas a man who has only been a master is blind in a sense: he is often not even aware that his slave might have these urges let alone need his help with their cultivation and direction. This can leave a slave with this nature in a very lonely spot.

A wise master manages the desire to selflessly give and serve by steering it toward the goals he wants to achieve and the attitudes he wishes to see in the slave; by educating her about what pleases him and what doesn’t; and by encouraging those acts of selflessness that he approves of and discouraging those that, while equally giving, are not what he desires—whether at that specific time—or ever. The slave does her part by graciously, quietly, and pragmatically (that is, without umbrage, denial or other defensive egotistic responses to correction or “oh my god, I suck big time” drama) accepting this direction and incorporating it into her actions and thoughts.

Where does such a process lead, ultimately? I don’t think this is a process that ever really ends—egotistic urges and the false personality that springs from them are far too clever and entrenched in most individuals to be completely rooted out—but by slow degrees the slave’s service improves and she becomes a more valuable and pleasant possession for her master. By setting her sights on the far horizon, by aiming her for perfection, she easily reaches the actual goal he desires for her, be it 5, 50, or 500 miles down the road of life.

____________________

© 2005-2014 Humbled Females

May 8, 2012

A Tangled Web: Self-Deception in Submission

By Nina E.

tangledweb

Artwork ©Adrian Borda

“She who knows herself, knows her Lord.”

A few years ago, I was looking for a new master. I’d recovered enough from the loss of my first master that I felt ready to move on with my life. Like many women in my position, I chose to look for someone online, because that opened my search up to a much broader spectrum of people. I’d been “off the slave block” for a very long time, but I remembered how I and my former master used to help others look for capable men and thought this know-how would serve me well. That was my first mistake.

I met a man on a kink personals site who was charming and stimulating and seemed to want a real-life slave, but he quickly shunted me into a very limited routine of online chats which, while supportive and quite enjoyable, lacked something. He did not speak much about direction, plans, or visions. But he called me his slave girl and he was so warm and friendly, and I was so starved for attention after many cold years alone that I decided this was just another “style” of mastery. Mistake number two.

He limited our communications to chat windows and texting in online games or virtual worlds. Over the two years I was to know him, I only heard his voice three or four times. I’d often long for some “meaty” answers to the extensive emails I wrote him, but none were forthcoming, although he would promise to answer. Again I attributed this to his “style,” which was light and humorous. But the result was that I never knew how he really felt or thought about anything important. Finally, he made plans to meet me on numerous occasions but each time that moment drew close, he had some very reasonable excuse for not doing so. I chose to believe he was either “testing” me or his luck was phenomenally bad. How many mistakes are we at now?

After two years, I was at my wits’ end, and expressed my frustration to him frankly. He was angry and offended that I did not trust him. Even then, I was willing to keep going with him. But I decided to ask three other friends I trusted what they thought.

But self-deception is a slippery beast: it can easily slide into our assumptions without our noticing it. Therefore, knowing the nature and quality of one’s own ability to self-deceive is extremely important to women who desire to be obedient, loving servants of their men.

They were unanimous in their opinions: he was stringing me along and had no intention of ever being anything more than a cyber mirage. I might have been able to deny one person’s opinion on this. But three of the smartest people I knew were all saying the same thing. And so, as hard as it was, I finally admitted to myself the truth: I’d spent the last two years deceiving myself that this relationship was going somewhere.

Self-deception is very tricky largely because nobody wants to believe they are capable of it. It’s not a trait that one can ever fully declare “dead,” however. It arises from the darkness of your unconscious, like a vampire, to suck at your honest spirit when you least expect it. But unlike a vampire, self-deception doesn’t announce its presence with a bite on the neck; it’s a problem made even more serious because it’s so hard to accurately observe and identify when under its spell. Let’s face it, no woman desiring to please a man or trying to find a man to please likes to think of herself as intentionally deceptive or as not knowing her own mind. But self-deception is a slippery beast: it can easily slide into our assumptions without our noticing it. Therefore, knowing the nature and quality of one’s own ability to self-deceive is extremely important to women who desire to be obedient, loving servants of their men. Being honest and providing accurate information is so important in these relationships, but someone confused about what she really wants or what she is actually doing may provide inaccurate feedback to her male, and his plans for her will suffer as a result. This may, in turn, prevent the already surrendered woman from transforming herself, with her male’s help, into a better servant and helpmate. As my own story clearly demonstrates, self-deception can also prevent an unpartnered woman from finding the special sort of man that she needs.

A woman who is convinced she knows herself fully and is completely honest to others about her nature when this is not actually the case will frequently seek out a man willing to agree with her faulty self-assessment. The dominant male/submissive female couples that result are often nothing but mutual admiration societies in which the tacit rule is “I will accept everything that you say about yourself if you accept everything that I say about myself.” No growth, no progression, no change is possible in such relationships, although they may be filled with a certain sort of happiness and contentment. It feels quite good, after all, not to be questioned or challenged in disturbing ways.

But what feels good isn’t always what’s best for us. Aligning only with the pleasant lies we sell ourselves doesn’t allow us room to evolve. There’s another word for this condition: stagnation. Think of a small pond of completely still water that is never refreshed from a spring or river. Plants start to decay within it, microbes flourish, a scum grows over the surface that prevents oxygen from mixing with the water. The stagnant mental and emotional ponds that certain couples embody are sometimes the consequence of extreme self-deception working in both parties. They’ve mutually decided that, together, they know it all. If you live in the happy land of “Know It All,” you don’t have to worry about growing, changing, challenging your assumptions, and other potentially uncomfortable activities. That is its immense appeal, and the majority of people cannot resist that appeal. But a deeply submissive woman who desires or is with a demanding male must resist becoming a smug and staid Know-It-All, because her lord and master will be constantly insisting she change and grow for him.

Thus, she is, due to the nature of her self-deception, vulnerable to being drawn toward another type of man, the type who, while putting on a good act of independent dominance, is willing to approach her first and pay her homage by indirectly stroking her ego like some people pet a pussycat.

Because self-deception is so prevalent in us all and so difficult to spot from within, I’ve provided a few realistic examples of it in action below, in the hopes that reading about the ways others deceive themselves will aid recognition of it in one’s own self. These are common situations that affect women who want to fully serve or who are already serving a man.

Entitlement
Some women believe they deserve the best of dominant men, the crème de la crème, simply because they feel submissive and that means, in their Holy Bible of Self Worth, that their submissiveness, simply because they are feeling it, is far better than anybody else’s submissiveness. A woman may not say this directly to herself, but she knows in her heart that she is the very best: That there has never been another submissive woman like herself and never will be again. If a male who catches her eye doesn’t pay her the level of attention she feels is her due, if he doesn’t come to her and court her after she coyly and nonchalantly makes sure he is aware of her presence, then she acts like the fox in the fable who made himself feel better by claiming, falsely, that the grapes he couldn’t reach by his own efforts were “undoubtedly sour.” This sort of female decides that dominant men who do not worship at her personal altar are not worth having, despite the fact that such a man is probably the only one free and independent enough to actually tame her.

Thus, she is, due to the nature of her self-deception, vulnerable to being drawn toward another type of man, the type who, while putting on a good act of independent dominance, is willing to approach her first and pay her homage by indirectly stroking her ego like some people pet a pussycat. It’s hard for a woman with a top-heavy self-opinion to resist that treatment. No matter how much modesty and humility she gives lip service to, inside she believes that a “perfect” dominant man will, first and foremost, recognize her own incredible excellence in submission. If a man comes along who is willing to bow to her egotistical rule that the male must always show the first signs of interest (although, ideally, cleverly hidden behind a dominant veneer) then Boom! It’s love at first sight, because she did not have to lose face (or faith in her religion of Self) by approaching him first, with trembling humility. The relationship has been founded on her ego’s demands, not on her ability to bend and humble herself before a man’s will. These are also the rocks upon which it will flounder…sooner or later.

This woman is in a predicament of her own making and she can’t really do much about such a situation except live through it since she is presently committed to a path of denial. But she’ll likely be so busy being a smug and complacent half of the perfect master-slave couple that she won’t mind doing so, at least for many years. Time and fate, however, may throw some hard curve balls her way and harsh events have a way of opening one’s eyes to the reality of one’s situation. Later in life, she may find herself starting at square one again: looking for a new master. Maybe, after going through a personal hell or two, she’ll be lucky enough to realize that there is some merit in begging for attention from the type of man that she really needs rather than assuming that he must come begging to her first. Therein lies her sole hope, if she is sincere about her submission.

Pride
Some submissive women are naturally self-effacing and observe themselves with some degree of honesty due to this trait. Unlike Miss “Entitled-To-The-Best,” there is no question in such a woman’s mind that she has defects, some of them quite pernicious, and she tries to improve them. It’s quite possible she is already in a relationship with a man capable and knowing enough to help her with this improvement. This is all very good; in fact, it’s a great base from which to work on oneself.

But even in optimal situations such as this, things can go wrong. Sometimes there are hidden secrets in such women’s souls, tender areas that they hide from themselves and thus from their masters. When an observant man points out one of these areas, the woman may find herself rejecting his observation violently in her mind. She may diffidently say, “Yes, Sir” to his observations, but inwardly she is seething in rebellion and rejecting the thought: “No! That’s not how I am at all! My faults are this and this, not THAT! He just doesn’t ‘get me’!” Or even worse, paranoid suspicion might set in: “Since I know this can’t possibly be true about me, I can only conclude that he is saying this to intentionally hurt me, even destroy me.”

When these sorts of thoughts occur, the submissive woman is experiencing pride. While it’s not full-blown pride but rather a little hidden island of pride connected to an area of her personality she was unaware of or repressing, it still has some very bad effects. She has, for instance, temporarily decided that her privileged position inside her own mind makes her far a better observer of her own flaws than somebody outside it, even if that somebody is her master. (Actually, those outside ourselves are almost always in a better position to see our issues more clearly than we are, ourselves.) The false belief that one is the sole expert on oneself seems rational and logical, but at heart it is close-minded, protective of the ego, and deeply disrespectful to one’s master.

What someone in this situation needs to realize is how very hard it is for her to see herself clearly from her highly subjective and biased perspective at the “center of the storm.” She needs to remember that her master is also her teacher and will guide her truly in this matter. He can be trusted when she cannot—due to a very tricky ego—trust herself. This is such a wonderful thing to be able to reply upon! And if the man in her life is consistently accurate in his assessments of her, then what he says is likely to be the truth, even if she doesn’t like it. When a woman detects a strong level of inner resistance to her master’s observations, this is a clear sign that she needs to wholly embrace what he is saying in order to avoid the trap of pride.

Resistance to Change
It is easy for people to get settled into habits or certain ways of doing things. These ways feel familiar and pleasant, everything runs smoothly, they know what to do and when to do it. But a woman who completely submits to her man, particularly one who has vowed to do “anything” for him, must prepare herself for times when routine is shattered and she is required do things she has never done before. When a submissive woman is faced with change it can fill her with insecurity or fear of failing. Even the most obedient may resist change, perhaps not overtly, but by putting off the execution of the new practice and continuing to engage in the old behavior. A submissive woman serving a weak or confused male can sometimes string him along for weeks or months with a subtle form of procrastination. If the man is self-aware and alert, however, he may give her a short period to time in which to adjust, but eventually he will put his foot down and say, “Do it NOW.” It’s at this point that a more subtle form of self-deception can occur: the temptation to create some drama around the change, just to avoid doing it, may be irresistible.

Where is the self-deception in this situation? It is around the most essential facts of the relationship, actually. The slave has forgotten in her state of distress (or whatever form her drama takes) that her master is her lord and ruler and that his will must be obeyed completely, without hesitation or angst-filled “I just can’t bear to do this!” moments. She can bear it because she must, because it is required of her by the man she both deeply worships and trusts with her soul. She may say to herself, “But I do so very much for him! Surely he could bend just a little in light of my overall service!” This is what a woman in a relationship of equals would think. She would feel she “deserved” some slack in an area that was distressing to her because she had “earned” such consideration.

Since slaves don’t earn a paycheck for their servitude, what she should actually be thinking in this situation is the converse: “He does so very much for me, he has brought me along so very far, made me such a better person. And yet, I want to refuse him this one small thing, to the point where I consciously choose to mistrust him rather than submit to his will. How much more ungrateful can I get?” She should consider how much she owes him, particularly in light of his mercy toward her and how he deserves her best service and compliance in all things, including this.

Holier-Than-Thouism
It’s mind-bogglingly easy for those of us who engage in online socializing to feel superior to others. The larger an online space is and the more people it draws, the more one will see others whose ideas, when compared to one’s own level of knowledge or experience, seem sorely lacking. Additionally, the bigger a kinky online social site, the more likely a woman is to draw random interest from men. It’s easy for the submissive woman, lost in the giddy online high generated by all this attention, to forget that in regular life far fewer men, if any, approach her. In scoffing at the “stupid idiots” who post online it’s also easy to forget that, in ordinary life, the people around her include a great many who are a lot smarter than herself. But online, it’s another world, full of seemingly stupid people she can feel superior to and hundreds of misguided men willing to bend over backward for her if she so much as posts a picture of herself. It’s hard for any woman not to get a swelled head from this. But for a woman who deeply desires to serve a strong man, resisting this effect is an absolute necessity.

When a submissive woman buys into the myth of her own “superiority” based on these online observations, she becomes strongly invested in self-deception. In order to feel superior to others she must forget, even if only temporarily, what she really is, which is usually an ordinary person perhaps working in an ordinary job or pursuing a satisfying but very standard course of study. She works with or attends classes with others far brighter and more beautiful than herself. But online, it’s so different! There, she is a Star, a Very Important Person. “Big and Important” disease can easily and quickly progress to a lethal stage: An Extremely Arrogant Know-It-All Shrew Who, Despite Claiming She is Submissive, Knows She Is Here To Inform All Dominant Men Of The Error Of Their Ways. And once she is at that stage of corrupt blotation, she is perfectly self-sabotaged, because her cynicism, her desire to score points off of others so she can feel superior in comparison, and her belief in her own greatness will blind her to reality.

The one man who is worth serving, a very strong dominant male, is not only invaluable to her, but also extremely rare and she may never have any significant contact with him at all if she cannot rid herself of the proud delusion that a potential master must come begging to her, like all the others do.

Those individuals who are best for her are the ones she will deride and peck at most viciously because they disturb her complacent and falsely high self-opinion. Those who are the worst for her are the ones she will easily be flattered by and drawn to. The man that ultimately “wins her hand” will only do so by repeatedly kissing her ass. He will have to agree wholeheartedly with her grandiose and artificially inflated self-opinion, because she will accept nothing less.

This whole frame of mind, the “I am superior to all of you pathetic morons” stance, is deadly for a submissive female to adopt, particularly one who wants to improve herself and attract a stronger or higher quality man. A woman will never attract a high-quality man with this sort of attitude although she may very well convince herself that she has. To remedy this deplorable condition in herself, a submissive woman can, first of all, remind herself of who she actually is in real life and how unimportant she actually is in the greater scheme of things. Secondly, she can remember her sincere craving to be more humble, obsequious, and self-effacing in order to someday be worthy of serving a great man. She can observe how her current despicable behavior is making these honorable aims impossible to hold honestly. Sometimes, realizing these things and then adopting and sincerely displaying more appropriate attitudes can be enough to cause a dominant man to give her a chance to prove herself, particularly if she begs him sincerely for that chance.

But asking for that chance may seem the hardest thing in the world for a Superstar bloated fat on Internet attention to do. Why should she have to ask for attention from a mere male, when there are hundreds beating down her door, like sperm around the egg, trying to be the first to get in? The reason is simple: those hundreds of men are totally worthless to her. The one man who is worth serving, a very strong dominant male, is not only invaluable to her, but also extremely rare and she may never have any significant contact with him at all if she cannot rid herself of the proud delusion that a potential master must come begging to her, like all the others do. In reality, a man worth serving will avoid a proud, puffed-up, pecking peacock such as her like the plague. He finds absolutely nothing appealing in such a woman.

If her ego can entertain this idea (that someone out there may actually be assiduously avoiding the great and wonderful Her because he finds her so abhorrent), perhaps she can take the first step along the road that leads to a humble, genuine, and valuable servant who is worth owning. She cannot have both (her immense online ego fed and the attention of a man who is worth obeying) because such a man won’t be able to stand her in her present, ugly state. She will need to clean up her personality first, and often that means cutting off the source of her ego addiction and retiring from those online habitats that feed her inflated self-worth so voraciously. A quick and easy way to do this is to completely abandon or destroy her current online identity and start, more humbly, from scratch, with an unknown user name or avatar, which nobody, not even former friends, knows is actually her.

____________________

© 2005-2014 Humbled Females

March 30, 2012

Doormat!

By Karen D. | Marc Esadrian

Doormat womenA common, if not often abused phrase in the circle of dominance-submission is the ever dreaded “doormat” word. It’s often used as a personal swipe about the nature of a girl’s servile and self-deprecating character, an accusation that her level of selflessness has passed the threshold from healthy to pathologically pathetic, an incrimination often passing from the mouths (or keyboards) of those who somehow wear the term “slave” with far greater perceived immunity.

There are numerous “lifestyle” articles in print and on-line warning us of the dangers inherent in being too submissive to our men. They launch into a laundry list of scary abuse-watch questions seemingly lifted from a local rape and abuse shelter’s outreach brochure or the modern-day Malleus Maleficarum for mental misfits, the undeniably helpful DSM. The questions also go on to serve a rhetorical purpose, of course: to convey to us that if we’re involved in relationships where any of the more extreme shades of domination can be found, we may very well be doormats, too…and we should avoid that at all costs. All the while, how contrary to the spirit of consensual slavery these warnings are seldom ever seems to be considered by authors and self-made authorities hand waving against the ever dreaded bugaboo that is the lowly doormat. Naturally, this leaves us to ask what the difference between a doormat and a consensual slave really is. Is there any difference at all? Is there something about this phrase that stands wholly aside from the level of servitude and devotion required in slavery to another person in the first place? Let’s first examine the meaning of the word itself, first.

Doormat |ˈdôrˌmat|
Noun
One who submits meekly to domination or mistreatment by others.

In this simple if not sparse definition, we see the words submits, meekly, and domination. We know to submit means to yield to the will, power, or authority of something else. Meek is defined as patient, long-suffering, or submissive in disposition or nature. Domination, as it is used above, is the state of being so controlled. Thus far, nothing gleaned from the meaning of this word seems in contradiction to consensual slavery and the disposition required for it.

Where mistreatment is concerned, we can certainly say that’s all in the eyes of the beholder, and particularly where master-slave is concerned, it’s fair to say ordinary sentiment would label us M/s types as disciples of mistreatment, in the very least. We, being enthusiasts of serious submission, know better than that, however; what appears to be “mistreatment” is indeed mistreatment as ordinary society would define it, but for those who pursue this depth of servitude as a way of life, it’s fulfilling and right. It’s what we who desire such servitude want. Anyone who embraces the term “slave” with a straight face should know that quite well.

Sheer indiscrimination of the accused is another bastion of the naysayers against doormats in the D/s world. To them, those who are malleable and submissive by nature in their personalities are deserving of a scarlet letter, for, as the conventional wisdom implies, all healthy consensual slaves have to be independent, self-respecting, ferocious tigresses in need of being overpowered by The One. He must see a woman for the powerful and headstrong siren she is, then genuflect up her temple of a hundred ivory steps to properly court her and “earn” her submission.

How many realize that serving a man this way—being a doormat to him or whomever he wishes—is synonymous with the realities of consensual slavery? It seems that those who draw such a bright contrast between the two are engaged in a bit of fashionable self-delusion, to say the least.

Only then is surrender of any form sanctioned in their eyes, apparently. Those who roll over on their backs and expose their bellies too soon are spitefully considered “too easy” by the sisterhood (much like a sexually free woman is branded a slut in that “regular world”). They give up everything. They hardly resist. They submit to complete control by way of their very disposition. This may not be the way others feel comfortable giving of themselves, but who are we to say less discrimination in the search for finding a master by applying their abject submission more broadly is wrong? Further, does it even matter what the moralistic logic is of what paths the individuals took to find each other, so long as there is a master and consensual slave in the end? Chiding someone over whether they are more or less discriminant with their submission during their search makes about as much sense as getting one’s knickers in a twist over coffee flavors or shades of pink. Surely, those strangely self-admiring women who claim to serve their men as slaves must concede to the fact they are in fact doormats to their masters too—and very willing ones at that. Granted, they may be doormats only for a particular person, yes, but doormats nonetheless…right? For how can they possibly resolve the conflicting premise that serving someone as a slave is perfectly acceptable, but being a so-called “doormat” isn’t? Why make the distinction at all if you soberly embrace the reality of slavery?

But therein lies the rub in asserting there’s a fundamental difference. How many of those big-headed bleeding hearts identifying with the image of consensual slavery in their own lives truly embrace its absoluteness and all-encompassing logic? How many realize that serving a man this way—being a doormat to him or whomever he wishes—is synonymous with the realities of consensual slavery? It seems that those who draw such a bright contrast between the two are engaged in a bit of fashionable self-delusion, to say the least. Not convinced? Let’s look at the following recommended watch list items so often bandied about by the doormat detractors:

Does he tell you your opinions don’t matter?
Yes, we all know it can sometimes hurt when our masters remind us that our opinions may not matter on any given subject, but what’s the rational alternative in our chosen relationship paradigm? Demanding a culture where your regard is always carefully consulted? Where your opinion is always weighed fairly? Where you always have a say in things? If you demand such things, how do you resolve your need for his consideration to your longings for slavery, of all things? Is it possible you’re selling him and yourself short on your unwavering love and devotion in servitude?

Is he restricting your interaction with friends and family?
One could just as easily ask why can’t he? If you are indeed his slave to rule, to keep, and to command, shouldn’t he have that power by virtue of this fact? Certainly he should, and he would be wise to implement it, too. Restricting interaction with third parties is often smart and necessary when psychologically isolating girls for training. It’s really not anything too far-fetched on the roster of possible scenarios if you serve him with all your heart and soul and with all your love.

Are you allowed to leave?
Questions like these always seem strangely discordant, coming from a culture (supposedly) not so estranged from the notion of consensual non-consent (a.k.a. consensual slavery). Do those who ask this question suddenly forget the depth of philosophy shared among those who live such deep personal subjugation?  Of course you’re not allowed to leave. You’re also not allowed to dress the way you want and style your hair the way you want, either. You’re not allowed to eat what you want and go where you want and buy what you want (covered next!) at any given time, too. That is, until you are released of your service to him or you concertedly invoke the only choice you have: to quit. Most women that deep into the process wouldn’t conceive of the notion of leaving in the first place, and we are apparently deranged enough to appreciate it when we aren’t allowed to just step out of and back into the relationship as if it were a bus.

Does he limit your access to work, money, or material resources?
At this extent, we’re beginning to sound a bit like a broken record on counterpoints, but the overall message bears repeating: consensual slavery and analogous states of servitude exist as all-encompassing forms of control and domination. Living this way is not a cute or unprincipled “lifestyle” mirage dismissed away by the woman whenever she feels the need step out of a simulation crafted solely, or mostly, with eros in mind; it is a reality with real implications stretching to all aspects of one’s personal life, including possessions, employment, and money, the holiest of proxies measuring freedom in larger society. It makes perfect sense that if a woman herself is so submissive as to be considered a possession, her right to own anything, even her own body, is, logically, overridden by her master.

Does he frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?
It’s well known that with the BDSM realm “humiliation” itself is considered a fetish, along with a host of other species of psychodrama. Within relationships where submission goes beyond skin deep, however, being truly criticized, humiliated, or and having your self-esteem “undermined” isn’t such an outlandish idea at all. We need to be very careful about the word “esteem,” however, for so often it’s confused with the sensitivities and corrupting forces of feminine ego. A man who brings his girl down a peg (or several) may very well be helping her, and if she herself is appreciative of the depths to which human ego can corrupt and distort the mind, she should appreciate being put in her place in a way that makes him happy. She welcomes being humbled and lowered; she embraces being crushed so that she may be re-made. The journey admittedly has its challenges and demons to face, for facing truths about ourselves and especially our shortcomings can be painful, but if we can accept the pain and move past the indignity of it, enlightenment of true humility awaits on the other side. Confidence in a slave’s worth rightly should come from the master himself, who she has chosen because he is just, wise, and a good judge. In him her esteem is reborn and refashioned.

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex?
Yes, I have and do. Do I complain about it? Of course not. Why? Because doing what he told me was part of the deal when I entered slavery to my master. Having to have sex on demand, of all things, is the least of my worries, quite frankly. There are many far less interesting things (depending upon how you look at it) involved in my life. How about having to stay up until the kitchen floor is scrubbed perfectly clean or the inside oven is spic and span? How about having to do research for him on-line for several hours on end? Scrub out the shower? Become a makeshift footrest at the snap of a finger? Massage him? Shave him? Iron his dress shirts? Pick up his dry cleaning? Do his laundry? Bear his children—or get an abortion? All these things are boilerplate examples of what a woman is likely to encounter in her slavery to a man, and cumulatively, they make the obvious “obligation to have sex” look rather insignificant by comparison.

Are you afraid of him?
“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,” the Christian bible goes on to say, and it’s something I consider relevant,  being that Master is very much my God. A woman who fears her master takes her master seriously and respects his wishes. If she doesn’t fear him, she’ll find it easier to disobey him and subvert his authority.

Anyone with intimate knowledge of what makes a so-called doormat knows she’s highly motivated to please; she gets her greatest emotional highs from pleasing the man she serves and bases much of her self-worth on how useful she is to him.

Fearing her master doesn’t mean she can’t love him still. Do I fear my master? You bet I do! I also love him without end, in part because I fear him; he is a man I deeply admire and respect. He’s also a man who is no stranger to disciplining me mentally and physically when he feels I am in need of it. Is my fear a sign of trouble? Of course not. It’s all naturally part of what it means to serve a man as a slave.

Supplemental to the usual watch lists, common claims of the ever dreaded doormat range from assertions like, “they like feeling useless and devoid of emotion,” or “the men who like doormats just want an empty shell with no opinion.” Even if such things are solely desired, it still makes one wonder why there is a need to demonize people with these preferences. Just how much made of glass are our own houses when we practice to judge the ways others live or desire to?

Contrary to popular mythology, a doormat isn’t useless at all; she’s very useful in many ways, for she is easily controlled and obeys consistently. Isn’t that the purpose of a willing servant, anyway?  And who says doormats want to be “devoid of emotion?” Anyone with intimate knowledge of what makes a so-called doormat knows she’s highly motivated to please; she gets her greatest emotional highs from pleasing the man she serves and bases much of her self-worth on how useful she is to him. It is a lack of emotion that would make her psychologically dead and useless as a servant, for there wouldn’t be anything internally to motivate her and drive her toward being the best slave she can be. And what of the men? Do they want doormats because they want an empty shells? No! They want slaves because slaves become extensions of their wills and it pleases men to see their women be filled with love for their teachings, their opinions, their discipline, their goals, and their dreams. So-called doormats become the perfect pool in which master may project his will, the perfect slave to strong male desire. What deeply submissive woman wouldn’t be proud of that? I certainly am. And that’s why I’m proud to call myself a doormat.

Not all women want to be or should be doormats, of course. The choice to be give a man everything that you are and devote everything you can be to him is a personal decision we all have to make. Do we want to be submissive housewives that generally submit to our husbands’ wishes or do we want to be outright slaves to men we’d call masters? Do we want to be something in between? There is an entire sliding scale of choice for us women who feel the desire to submit.  What we shouldn’t get in the habit of, however, is mocking or disparaging the deeper end of the scale merely because it conflicts with our preferences or abilities to give of ourselves. Doing so is intellectually rigid and unbecoming of women who refer to themselves as submissive, much less humble.

____________________

© 2005-2014 Humbled Females

March 18, 2012

A Taxonomy of Bad Apples

By Marc Esadrian

Females unfit for submission & males unfit for dominanceIt perhaps goes without saying that the domination-submission (D/s) collective is vast, incorporating in its fold every conceivable combination of themes, methodologies, and intensities. Within this ocean of mass relativity swim a minority searching for a certain something that isn’t merely written in water and, along the way, truths by which to abide in separating the wheat from the chaff, the false from the real, and the halfhearted from the resolved where good dominance and submission is concerned.  The often lonely search for authenticity involves getting certain math right as you travel down a vast Fibonacci spiral of pattern recognition, migrating from the overall braid of the collective to the strands, then the yarns, and eventually, the precise threads. Finding others who seek those very same threads involves a tremendous amount of searching, both of the world and of the soul, as well as time and patience. Within this collective and upon its fringes lies a dichotomy of what could be called bad apples, those who may on the surface reflect a desire for consensual servitude, but ultimately use it only as a means to other ends. Yet still there are more innocent wanderers, led astray by BDSM mythologies, who crash randomly into the more serious “hunters”—the contrast between the two not always apparent at first meeting.

Yet still there are more innocent wanderers, led astray by BDSM mythologies, who crash randomly into the more serious “hunters”—the contrast between the two not always apparent at first meeting.

Be that as it may, it stands to reason (and the empirical experience of the author) that if there is an extreme difference—however well hidden—in the motives between both parties in the relationship, the dynamic will inevitably falter and suffer. Nowhere is the contrast more stark than between the authentic seeker and the less critical player (who comes in many, many forms).

The consumption of the sage wisdom and glitzy “lifestyle” misinformation recanted by so many does not stand alone as the only obstacles to overcome; societal conditioning, excessive prurience, romantic infatuation, human manipulativeness, egocentricity, and gross narcissism are the garden variety tragic flaws of our kind conspiring to bloat the population of unsuitable candidates for consideration, who may nonetheless in their own minds have the best of intentions from the outset. There is no easy formula to use in unmasking the potentiality of such defects/incompatibilities within others, aside of relying upon one’s own intuitiveness, wit, and patience. It is beneficial to familiarize oneself with a base taxonomy of questionable dispositions and profiles, however. Below are just a few of the more common I can describe, along with their respective caveats, in recognition that fortune sometimes favors the second glance.

The Novice
Novices can be any age and any disposition, but their lack of experience is what universally marks them. Entertaining the novice is inherently a gamble, depending upon age and disposition. There is, of course, always untested potential in a newcomer and her untested and unstained interest—even if naive—is potentially beneficial, but with so many unknowns, the novice must be approached and observed carefully in the beginning. To determine her worth and suitability to the ideals of a functioning master-slave relationship, she must be vetted methodically and educated gradually to disabuse her of the illusions that, ironically, likely brought her to pursue the dream of servitude in the first place.

Inverse: The novice may be nothing more than a product of common thinking, trading in her traditional convictions for experimental ones to playfully dabble, or she may be just the right raw material from which to build a perfect servant, for experience is not so valuable as natural potential. The risk is entirely up to you; proceed reservedly and put contingencies in place, should the test tubes shatter.

The Prurient
Most who inhabit the world of domination and submission inevitably become acquainted with the BDSM subculture and its inherent trappings, of its mores, its common effects and numerous implements. The prurient (also known as “fetishist”) eroticizes these trappings and personal fixations on body parts to excess, putting more focus upon the ornamentations and symbolic actions than the meanings (that should be) behind them. Inherently a case of cart before the horse—or rather a cart without a horse—the prurient contains no driving motive aside of the all-consuming hunger to indulge in sensual theatrics, hallowed perversity, and/or a self-centered masochism or sadism. Your part as servant or master may be utilitarian to their disappointingly shallow theater.

Inverse: A fetish can be a very useful tool and driver through which one controls another: through its carnal influence you can wield incredible power, but it’s important to not allow the one in your thrall to loose sight of the bigger picture: your pleasure, authority, and gain. So long as this is observed and implemented, the fetishes of your servant can be used to effectively control her. For the submissive female considering the tenacity of a man who seems more moved by acts than anything else, a question of compatibility inevitably arises. Do his penchants and fixations match yours? Further, is there potential in him to embrace the authority of master if they do? Is his dominance more than just sexual scenery? The answers to those questions should determine the path taken.

The Change Agent
The change agent explores the world of domination-submission often as a newcomer, searching for something new. Traditional romance has left her dispirited and unimpressed, but this new world of “masters and slaves” seems rife with thrills. She puts down the ordinary ways of her past, launching headfirst into a newfound dark love with a man who captures and consumes her. Her life becomes deliciously intense, passionate, and even scary, but eventually, the momentum begins to wane and as she gets more comfortable, other motives intrude. As the relationship progresses, she seeks to lay claim upon her “master,” gradually becoming more territorial and possessive over his time and attention. Her flaw becomes painfully clear through her conventional attitudes about fidelity, reciprocated love, and romantic commitment. Feigning submission, the change agent is in reality a jealous and opportunistic appeaser; to secure the relationship and her position in it, she attempts to manipulate him to commit to the relationship paradigm she’s truly more comfortable with, all the while retaining the air of servant.

Inverse: The change agent can sometimes hold vast potential: her submission remains tied to a culturally coached alter ego of sorts, but the core of that alter ego can be dealt with, so long as she is disabused of her fears, doubts, culturally enforced mores, and most importantly, the idea you as master can be changed to suit her needs through manipulative appeasement and the sticky traps of romanticism. Measure well her potential before such an undertaking. If she is otherwise generally honest, she may be salvaged, but if deceitful and stubbornly jealous by nature, it’s best to move on.

The Princess
Histrionic, narcissistic, and vainglorious, the princess is hungry for your attention and praise. For a season these attributes can be smuggled convincingly under the guise of submission. Before long, however, something begins to feel amiss about her loyalties; she insinuates herself into the limelight of your space too often, re-engineering her servitude as a stage for attention getting and psychodrama. Much like the change agent, the princess eventually shows her hand as the relationship progresses and the boundaries expected for a committed servant become unbearable to accept. Lazy beyond her own interests and unendingly self-obsessed, if it doesn’t feed her penchant for attention in some way, she will slowly subvert your authority and seek it elsewhere in another.

Inverse: The defect of the princess can in fact also be a boon, so long as it’s not so pronounced that it consumes nobler qualities of her personality. The need of attention, approval and validation can seem childlike, and may well have a similar innocence. If not too deeply ingrained, the mild princess tendency can be cleverly redirected as a plus rather than a negative with a paternal-like influence that burns away and rebuilds her self image. Be realistic about this, however. Make certain she has the mettle to trust in your control and allow herself to be truly shaped. Otherwise, her submission will become a pretty facade and one she’ll wear like a fur coat.

The Wounded Fawn
Cursed with some tragic character flaw, the wounded fawn latches on like a parasite to men throughout life. She drifts through relationships, using them up, one by one, always seeking the next savior around the bend. Needy and addiction-prone, she eventually finds herself prostrating before a chosen messiah, a god, the new found cure for all her woes.  Under him, she is safe from the world. Under him, she can shirk her responsibilities in life with impunity. But the foundation upon which she built her servitude is rotten, for it was built not with the love of serving in mind, but largely to insulate her from the world and escape responsibility. The mistake in this premise is obvious: she must now answer to a master, one who will demand performance and obedience from her, who will shake her out of her comfort zones and lazy, self-serving games to now serve him. Hopelessly irreparable and blind to the virtue of real and lasting fulfillment in service, her “slavery” is nothing more than cleverly disguised predation.

Inverse: Sometimes wounds can be beneficial to exploit. Keeping your needy sycophant sealed off from the world and dependent upon you can be an exercise in control and psychological ownership of another human being. Be careful not to become a junk collector: some wounded fawns are simply too toxic and not worth the trouble of keeping around. Find out if there is something under the tarnish that makes the effort of buffing it away worthwhile, for a servant must bring something to the table outside of a warm body, no matter how pretty that body may be.

The White Knight
In legends of old, the white knight was a male figure who rescued a princess or beautiful maiden from harm or distress. Posing as a benevolent paternal figure, the white knight seeks to lend help with a big, bleeding heart, though in the process he ultimately helps you to help himself. Self-deluded into thinking his moralistic opportunism equals or justifies dominance, what he doesn’t see is how transparent he really is. Arbitrary in thought and action for his own self-interest, it won’t be long before you see the predatory opportunist behind his selective heroism. His ability to dominate is hamstrung by his big teddy bear pride and all too easily he finds himself exploited by a clever manipulator who has learned to play the perfect victim.

Inverse: We often have an instinctual suspicion in the unexpected gift of help given by an unexpected giver; why are they doing this and what do they want in return? A new admirer who falls over himself helping you can be endearing in the short-term, but vet his motives and character carefully for the long-term. A man worthy of serving shouldn’t have to exploit your desperation to prove questionable mettle; that mettle should easily be self-evident. If it is, accept his help with open arms.

The Sugarbaby
A sex capitalist at heart, the sugar baby searches for a “sugar daddy,” a man who will protect and provide for her, shielding her from the burdens of responsibility and enriching her material security. Often young and physically attractive, the sugar baby uses her sexual appeal to get what she wants in a flimsy, yet outwardly convincing iteration of submission. She views her sexual submissiveness as essentially a commodity, a bargaining chip by which she can get what she wants in an exchange for services (sexual compliance in return for material favors). This is an old relational archetype between male and female, no less so than “the oldest profession,” finding its way into the world of domination-submission quite easily when seductresses engage easily flattered and self-impressed “alpha males.”

Inverse: Like the wounded fawn, sometimes addicting the sugar baby to the benefits of your security can lead to finding submission within her, but this can only be achieved through the subtlety of using her own opportunism against her. The flaw with this notion is obvious: such a tactic is not aimed at the spirit of actualized submission much at all, and thus, has a shelf life. She may be loyal for a season, but only because she’s getting what she wants materially, or there’s distant hope of it. Rest assured she will be inclined to stray when easier and more fruitful opportunities arise, for in reality she is servant only to herself. For this reason, the sugar baby should be avoided if her avarice and manipulative behavior runs too deep.

The Fantasist
Fantastic scenarios permeate the fantasist’s motives, where stark visions of servitude and fantastic scenery are branded as the ideal. Unfortunately, the slave or master within this fantasy, in all likelihood, does not exist in the real world; if either ever did exist, they would no doubt be inhuman. The fantasist idealizes and objectifies to fastidious excess, and much like the fetishist, often finds him or herself falling in love with particular trappings of “the idea” to the exclusion of the human element—an element which is, inevitably, imperfect and incapable of competing with the flawless muse spun in dreams. Haunted by a need for reality yet unable to accept its limitations, the fantasist is cursed to wander in the half-light between failed real-life relationships and the world of glittering ideal.

Inverse: Dreams and fantasies power—and are powered by—desire. On some level, we’re all dreamers, compelled to turn our visions into flesh. Fantasists have taken the dream to a level of excessive idealism, living in the world of preferred scenery. The realism of that scenery depends solely upon the nature of the dream in question. It’s no secret that compatibility is important in relationships; if the pieces fit, a grand experience may await, but make certain the one you seek to serve or ensnare isn’t rooted only in sensual ideals. Be certain they can handle the flaws and imperfections inherent in life.

The Figurehead
The preference BDSM enthusiasts have toward married or otherwise attached couples “in the lifestyle” is baselessly optimistic, yet it prevails nonetheless, and much to the benefit of those who claim to practice master-slave relationships—no matter what the nature of those relationships may really be. The man who appears to be a master of the household takes in a new girl, and in a gradual turn of household politics, is eventually revealed to be a false king: the new addition to the household or group realizes the “master’s” power is not as absolute as it should be, but exists at the overarching behest of his wife or significant other who masquerades as servant. Dependent upon her affection and approval, the master becomes nothing more than a figurehead to the sexual politics of the harem leader, otherwise known as the “alpha slave.”

Inverse: Not all those who keep households of multiple females (harems) are so manipulated or subverted in their power. While many people find it difficult to navigate the life of a polyamorous household, some are indeed successful in the endeavor without breaking the nature of authority masters have over their obedient females. Approach couples and harems with caution, however; preexisting members of the household are entrenched in their positions and may hold manipulative powers over the supposed master of the home. Vet each situation and the man himself as carefully as you can before making a commitment in flesh and blood. In short, choose a man you cannot manipulate. If you do so, the chance he’ll be manipulated by others will be lessened.

____________________

© 2005-2014 Humbled Females

February 8, 2012

Weighing Beauty

By Michelle G. | Edited by Marc Esadrian

We’ve all witnessed it before in our lives: the troubled expression on someone’s face when looking at a loved one, the uncomfortable silences, the unspoken agreement not to mention it. Even in the relationships of dominant males and submissive females, there are subjects that many have deemed too personal and critical to discuss. Interestingly enough, a man can dictate his girl’s hairstyle, clothing choices, even the brand of perfume she wears, and it will only make her feel more cherished and cared for. But most men, be they Master, husband or boyfriend, quail at the thought of mentioning an issue that not only affects a woman’s physical attractiveness, but her health, and thus, her ability to please to the fullest extent she can.

That issue, of course, is weight.

The prevalence of obesity has increased dramatically in the last 30–50 years. About one-third of U.S. adults (33.8%) are obese. Approximately 17% (or 12.5 million) of children and adolescents aged 2—19 years are obese.1 In tandem, we have been conditioned to accept the sight of an overweight or obese person with a dangerous silence, browbeaten by the cudgel of political correctness into telling polite lies right to their faces. All the while, our lifestyles—and consequently, our forms—grow more and more grotesque and unnatural.

This is not mass conspiracy or spurious scientific conjecture; this is fact. Outside of being unattractive to most people, being overweight causes health problems. 

Females come in all shapes and sizes, it’s true, and it’s a good thing, too, given the varying tastes of those who enjoy them, but there are limits to what the human body can withstand while still remaining healthy, and it is the height of arrogance for anyone to claim the right to silence discussion of a physical reality simply because it makes them uncomfortable. Obesity has become the great monster lurking in the corner of the room, seldom openly acknowledged, but always lending its influence to surrounding relationships and interactions. When one is in the company of a grossly obese person, one feels the constant need to tiptoe around the subject, for fear of causing pain or offense.

While this is perhaps somewhat understandable in general society, how did it become so between dominant males and submissive females? If a man’s woman is out of physical shape, does he not have the right to improve her? For that is, at heart, the situation, if his female allows herself to become unhealthy and unappealing by failing to maintain an acceptable weight in his eyes. This is a painful subject. The original author of this essay was well aware of that fact, being herself a female who was struggling with a weight problem. As has been said many times, however, the truth hurts, and the truth is, to most humans, that excess fat is unattractive as well as detrimental to the health of its bearer.

We all know this; it’s not as if so many medical studies and the recommendations of health professionals have been hiding from us all along. We know obesity is linked to type two diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, coronary artery disease, stroke, and sleep apnea in the very least.2 This is not mass conspiracy or spurious scientific conjecture; this is fact. Outside of being unattractive to most people, being overweight causes health problems. While this information is freely available, some of us continue to hide from the fact obesity continues to be a problem for society.3 Those who remain fat either fool themselves into not seeing it, pretend not to, or simply shrug and say, “this is the way I am. There’s nothing I can do.” But why, we ask, should a dominant male who would rather keep a slender and pretty female need to do conspire in this denial? The answer is simple: he shouldn’t. If his female is on a path of self-destruction and one which makes her less pleasing to his eye, then it is well within his rights to steer her from it. For what is a female if not a creature in need of the rational leadership of a capable man—and particularly in the area of a problem so notoriously difficult to conquer?

Western society is indeed guilty of having a dysfunctional and ignorant relationship with food, enabled, in part, by opportunistic food companies all too willing to help us along in it all. One could say it’s not entirely our fault, but it is entirely our responsibility to fix, once we are aware of the weight predicament we find ourselves in.

The diet industry is one of the most continually prosperous in the Western world.4 Everywhere we look there are more advertisements for products and programs to assist us in losing weight. This is not a small issue or an isolated one—everyone knows it’s hard to get fit in a society in love with junk food and the pleasures of eating. Over this past decade, America has only now begun, in any serious number, to take interest in healthy eating, rather than simply yo-yo dieting into a more dysfunctional relationship with food. Western society is indeed guilty of having a dysfunctional and ignorant relationship with food, enabled, in part, by opportunistic food companies all too willing to help us along in it all. One could say it’s not entirely our fault, but it is entirely our responsibility to fix, once we are aware of the weight predicament we find ourselves in.

Considering the toxic eating habits many of us were raised with, the effort in turning around years of weight gain due to a lifestyle of overeating and lethargy can be tremendously difficult, but it’s not impossible. It’s not even as hard as we make it…we just don’t want to give up the foods we like, or engage in the activities we think we’ll hate. The simple, unvarnished truth is that most of us can help being fat. That’s right. Gland problems, poor metabolisms, and genes that encourage overeating do exist, but they are not as all-encompasing as some would have us believe. Poor diet, energy imbalance, and lack of physical activity is the primary culprit.5 Even in families where there is a genetic influence, the observance of a healthy lifestyle greatly reduces the likelihood of obesity.

It often hurts to admit that one is overweight. It often hurts even more to admit that it’s one’s own fault. But in the great majority of cases, that’s exactly what should be done. If one is a free person, that act of taking accountability is of course a choice and can be left for all eternity if one so desires, but a submissive female owes her Keeper better than that casual dismissal of fact, just as she owes him the pleasure of beholding a woman who is as healthy and beautiful as possible. While “beauty” is truly in the eyes of the beholder, it’s a little dishonest to assert we as human beings don’t have a common definition of it, beyond the outlier fetish for overweight women. Generally, males like physically attractive females for a reason that is biological, and this common appreciation is world-wide, not merely a coincidence of cultural bias.6 Beauty to the average male does not include a female that is grossly overweight. Outside of pleasing those men who indeed have a fetish for obese women, how can an overweight female be pleasing to her husband or Master, when it’s obvious from her own appearance that the pleasures of overeating and sedentary living take more priority than pleasing him? How can a Master be proud of a “slave” who is out of control in this way? And how can he, in good conscience, deny his own right to assert that control, if she cannot?

If the reader can disregard the automatic outrage that comes of seeing this approach to such an almost-universally sore subject, we believe he or she will recognize both the truth of our words, and the positive intentions behind their publication. We do not seek to humiliate or hurt the overweight and obese; on the contrary, we wish to help them in making the decision to improve. There are times in our lives when almost all of us find it is easier to change for someone else than for ourselves; how could it be otherwise for the submissive heart?

It is perhaps best to close this essay with a gentle reminder for those who have come to realize this aspect of a woman’s duty. That reminder is thus: any influence a slave grants to food and laziness is influence of which her Master has been cheated. Surely most of us can agree upon which is more important.

What can you do to fight problems with your weight?

  1. Have a healthy diet plan, including home-cooked meals with fruits, vegetables, and lean meats.
  2. Avoid excessive snacking, particularly on processed foods and foods high in salt and sugar.
  3. Keep track of your calorie consumption and consider your daily activity level: are there adjustments to make?
  4. Avoid being sedentary. Try to get in at least a few cardiovascular/interval workouts per-week.
  5. Consider exploring any psychological issues that may have lead you to obesity in the first place.

1. URL: http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/overwt.htm
2. URL: http://www.cdc.gov/obesity/causes/health.html
3. http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm59e0803a1.htm?s_cid=mm59e0803a1_e%0D%0A
4. The diet business: Banking on failure. (BBC News World Edition, Feb 5 2003).
5. URL: http://www.cdc.gov/obesity/causes/index.html
6: Female Mate Value at a Glance: Relationship of Waist-to-Hip Ratio to Health, Fecundity and Attractiveness. Neuroendocrinology Letters 2002; 23(Suppl.4):81–91 (Singh, D. 2002).

____________________

© 2005-2014 Humbled Females

January 24, 2012

Discipline: The Greatest Gift

By Nina E.

Discipline of female slaves

I am what can best be described as a consensual slave. I wasn’t abducted, tricked, or brainwashed into it. I consented, once, to become someone’s slave, knowing full well what it would entail, as I was experienced and he took great pains to spell out the details, big and small. Since that moment my life, as I fully expected, has had nothing to do with consent. I am kept by a very strict but admirably fair Master whom I regard as a god. I consciously chose this life for myself because I have needed and craved it since my earliest memories. By “slave” I don’t mean to invoke the usual icons the mainstream and “alt” culture tends to forward when the word is used. My life as a slave is just that: the life of a slave. It is not easy. It is, in fact, replete with pain, struggle, and hard work and, I expect, will always be so. There is no saying “no” to him. There is no pleading to do something later, for whatever reason. When given a command I must drop everything to perform it. I am worked constantly and the products and benefits of my labor are never my own—they are all his. I must abide by a complex code of deeply respectful behavior designed to show my awareness of my status as his property as well as my appreciation and love for his presence in my life. If I slip up in any way, I am disciplined with both the belt and the more terrible lash of his tongue. I am new to being disciplined and I am imperfect in my servitude. When corrected, I often sob from remorse, fear, and pain, but nevertheless, I consider it to be the greatest gift my Master gives me.

Why would someone consciously choose to live in this way? The answer to such a question is complex; there really is no simple (or single) answer. Instead of covering all the possibilities, this writing approaches that question from just one angle: the need that some females have to transform themselves or their lives, to change into something more refined than what they started out as. Such a change, if you choose the life of a consensual slave and desire to become a better one, is greatly facilitated by discipline. Many people, including many who claim to be in such types of relationships, do not include discipline within their lives. Some feel it’s something appropriate only for immature children, not responsible adults. Others think the negativity of painful punishment outweighs any good it might bring about, but those who have studied the effects of discipline in-depth or experienced them first hand usually have a different tale to tell.

A simple analogy from Nature might help to illustrate the beneficial effects of discipline from a transformative point of view. Rocks in the natural world come in all sorts of shapes, colors, sizes, and materials: pumice, shale, sandstone, basalt, mica, and quartz are just a few of the many varieties. Only a few types of rocks have the potential to become polished, beautiful gems if the right treatments are applied. 

Human beings have something similar to a malleable stone inside them: the soul. Souls are far more delicate and complex than simple stone, but they, too, can be shaped, polished, faceted, and even placed in a setting that perfectly offsets their beauty—but, like stones, they will not really glow or shine unless they are of the right raw material.

For example, you can polish basalt all you wish, and it will still remain…a slightly shiny basalt which, while good enough for the bottom of an aquarium, has none of the luminous or translucent qualities we associate with gemstones. Sandstone, while it often has nice patterns that can be brought out by additional cutting and grinding, patterns ideal for flagstones or other building elements, will never glow with its own inner light. When you explore the class of rocks known as minerals, however, and, in particular, gemstones, you find that rocks which often don’t look like much in their raw state have the potential, through cutting, polishing, and correct placement, to become gorgeous works of art.

Human beings have something similar to a malleable stone inside them: the soul. Souls are far more delicate and complex than simple stone, but they, too, can be shaped, polished, faceted, and even placed in a setting that perfectly offsets their beauty—but, like stones, they will not really glow or shine unless they are of the right raw material. Most human souls with this potential are like common beach agates: randomly and haphazardly polished on the shores of life. The results are uneven and unpredictable, even hidden until placed into the right element. For agates, that element is water: they glow when wet and their semi-precious nature is revealed. Their nature becomes even clearer if these agates are then tumbled hard for many days in a lapidary.

To bring out a soul’s greatest beauty often requires far more than random blows from life that teach randomly and unevenly. For a soul fit to be a perfect servant, the finishing process requires two conscious wills: The first and strongest will is that of the “polisher” or Master. This person has a creative vision of what the end product will look like and the ability to recognize good raw material when he sees it. He also has a deep understanding of the processes that bring about the required transformation and an unwavering intention to follow these process through to the end, no matter how painful or difficult that might be. This determination, this steadfastness, is one of the rarest qualities to find in a would-be Master, for many self-proclaimed Masters who would polish the souls of their slaves are not up to the enormity of the task–particularly when things get difficult for the slaves.

The second conscious will is that belonging to the soul being polished. It must be the type of will that can patiently endure a long and painful process. The slave’s soul has to have a clear vision of the final result, believe it to be the highest ideal to strive for, and understand the connection between the pain of the process and the glowing end result. This, and her desire to please another, makes her receptive to being polished. She must be perceptive enough to recognize a skilled polisher when she sees one. She must not have the common flaws that cause people to quit a process halfway through or give up when things get a bit rough. Her devotion toward her polisher must be solid and steadfast as this will carry her through those times when even a strong intent and perseverance aren’t enough. The slave also has to understand that, unlike a gemstone, this process is never fully completed and that due to its malleability, her soul would degrade, turn dull, even sink below its original state if the polishing wasn’t kept up constantly. She must be willing to accept that pain on some level as her lot. A part of her, in fact, needs to crave the searing guidance.

In the context of a man refining his woman’s soul to his satisfaction, terms like polishing, faceting, and cutting all refer to discipline: physical and emotional pain that teaches her what she must do, how she must feel, and most important of all, who and what she really is.

For many years I participated in a lukewarm Master-slave relationship that was really a front for a romantic connection among equals. There is nothing wrong with this, but I longed for slavery. My Master at that time was in love with me and he was also philosophically disinclined to use corrective discipline. Like many others in such relationships, he didn’t believe it worked or that it was even necessary with me. He treated me with the utmost respect, we talked things out when I had difficulties, he let me clearly and freely express any emotion I felt toward himself and toward others.

As a result, I became a worse slave, not a better one. I was spoiled, indulged, coddled, and over-protected. I knew I could get my own way through manipulating him with my emotions. There were never any consequences for bad behavior. I ran wild on the Internet and was terribly disrespectful of others. I hid things from him and pretty much did whatever I felt like. I felt no obligation to be honest with him or to try harder to be a better servant, because I believed what he told me: that I was perfect for him just as I was. This coarsening of my personality would have continued until the day I died, had not my Master died first.

Losing him was the hardest thing I’d ever experienced. I realized many things during the loneliness and isolation of the ensuing years. Foremost among those realizations was that I still craved only to be a slave to a man I loved and worshiped.

I don’t feel resentment for any of the pain, no matter how harsh. His whip and belt hurt terribly, but I understand their necessity. Without his firm rule, I wouldn’t be able to change.

I also realized how very much I needed the strong guiding control of a Master that would not put up with my spoiled temper tantrums, my whining over how hard a command was, my attempts to wheedle out of my duties, or my inconsiderate and shrewish treatment of others. I finally realized that if I was going to succeed at improving myself in being a slave in more than name only, then the next time around I would need a special sort of man to shape me: the sort who wanted me to improve for him just as much as I wanted to and who knew how to bring about such improvement. I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to find a person who could create such an environment of change around me.

And sure enough, under his discipline I feel myself changing: I feel the transforming processes upon my soul. I don’t feel resentment for any of the pain, no matter how harsh. His whip and belt hurt terribly, but I understand their necessity. Without his firm rule, I wouldn’t be able to change. I wouldn’t be able to become more loving, more subservient, more obedient to him with each passing day. But with his strong control and guiding discipline, I am becoming exactly what he wants me to become: a functional, useful female capable of sustaining the demands and rigors of total enslavement for a very long time and capable of loving her humble place at his feet.

The pain from discipline accomplishes a number of important goals. First, it improves memory. When a slave is forced to associate a bad behavior with a harsh slap or the strike of a whip, or is told to repeat out loud that she will not do such-and-such as each stroke is laid down, she tends to remember the next time that which she once found hard to focus upon. Secondly, pain reminds a slave, intimately and viscerally, of who and what she really is: his possession that can be used in whatever way he desires, no matter how she may feel about it. This realization, which many “slaves” who are treated more as “equals” likely never experience, makes her deeply grateful for her Master’s resolve and willingness to help her to improve. It also makes her thankful for the small mercies he bestows upon her during punishment. A slave’s soul is refined in this manner: she becomes more purely the property of her Master, she thinks more about his will and desires and less about her own, and she strives much harder to please him and not repeat past mistakes. She becomes beautiful in the eyes of those few who value selflessness above all else. Finally, the pain from discipline brings about a level of intimacy that is not achievable in any other way: it deepens the slave’s already profound dependency upon her Master and heightens her awareness of her humble role as his useful tool and plaything.

____________________

© 2005-2014 Humbled Females

October 24, 2011

Beastly Beauty

By Nina E.

What do people dream about in the secrecy of their hearts? I suppose “It depends” is the closest we can get to an answer. An individual’s dreams and desires will be influenced by things like upbringing and education, experience, age, sex, and other demographics, current circumstances, media influence, advertising and similar brainwashing, and also by whatever mysterious pieces of the persona puzzle that are entirely their own. As you narrow down this question by grouping people, you’re able to generalize—a little. Take men, for instance. Men dream of many things: winning, controlling, gaining respect, becoming rich, making sure their genetic line is carried on, but often, until perhaps they are very old, their fondest dreams revolve around having sex with or acquiring women—not just ordinary women, but beautiful, hot women.

This underlying yearning never fully leaves a virile man, I suspect, no matter how sophisticated and wise he becomes, because it’s influenced by genes and powerful hormones that cause him to desire spreading his seed to as many reproductively fit females as is possible. “Fit” is, of course, a moving target in a cultured or (some would say) decadent society in which the most basic survival needs are easily met. A wild garden of fetishes and personal tastes flourishes around us. There is only one common denominator between such divergent tastes: men desire females they find physically appealing. Most men, despite the abundance of fetishes, are more mainstream than not regarding what they consider beautiful.

Women know this about men, of course. It’s one of the first things we females learn when we hit puberty: that beauty gives us a very pronounced advantage over less visually appealing women. That’s why, at that age, we start to make ourselves beautiful for men: so they will want us and give us what we want in return (satisfying emotional relationships, families of our own, a feeling of belonging or security). The power of feminine beauty should not be underestimated, even by those men and women who are experienced and know better. We still fall for it—virtually all of us. When a young and beautiful woman is greatly desired and pursued by many men, she learns one lesson quite well: she is a hot commodity in high demand, and can dictate her own terms to those males who compete for her attention. Recently on a social network, I “friended” such a woman. I was fascinated by the fact she had over 500 “friends,” almost every one a male, but virtually no profile and no activity on the network, just a few pictures of her gorgeous busty self. About once a week, she comes online and adds more friends, usually about twenty. She must have close to a thousand contacts by now.  What does she dream about in the secrecy of her heart? I have no way of knowing. “She” might also be a “he” just having some fun, but if she is the young woman I see in the photos, it’s almost impossible to think that she doesn’t believe she will find what she wants due to the fact that her beauty draws men to her like flies. It’s hard to be hot and not also arrogant as hell about that fact. It’s hard not to take for granted that no matter how badly you act, some men will still adore you and fall all over themselves to be around you.

Beautiful young women, sadly, are often arrogant and ugly on the inside. Someone who gets her own way with enough men often resembles a pristine peach, beautiful to view and to smell, but with a secret, rotted core that you only discover when biting into it. Not all beauties are like this, of course, but most seem to be. Increasing numbers have learned to hide their awareness under a veil of false modesty, but the majority tend to believe that no matter who the man is or what his circumstances are, they could “acquire” him with a simple beck. Their pride in their appearance, their vanity and smug sense of superiority—over both plainer women and the men who compete for their favor—is enormous.

It’s hard to be hot and not also arrogant as hell about that fact. It’s hard not to take for granted that no matter how badly you act, some men will still adore you and fall all over themselves to be around you.

What does this have to do with the humbled female? First, let’s look at things from the beauty’s perspective. Due to the way her attractiveness is treated and the way she processes that message (I am superior, fabulous, god’s gift to men), she is at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to humility. Humbleness, modesty, lack of entitlement, and the honest appreciation of male beauty: such concepts probably don’t exist in her mind. She’s likely used to the world revolving around herself, to others worshiping her, and her attraction to “serving” a man is, more often than not, just another way to prove to herself how very marvelous she is: “Look, I am drop dead gorgeous and I can be the very best slave that ever lived.” Instead of penitence, humility, and desire to worship someone greater than herself, service often is, for a beautiful young woman, just another story in which she plays the leading role and everyone else, including her chosen man, gets a bit part. Due to her charms, she’ll be able to convince a great many inexperienced men that she’s the perfect slave, and if one manages to hold on to her, they’ll both sink down into the standard mire: a very conventional couple “playing” at being Master and slave while the slave runs things from the bottom. The more beautiful a woman is, the more likely a typical man will be loath to let her go, and the more he’ll dance to her tune just to keep her with him. In addition to providing hot sex, she also provides him with a tremendous ego boost: he feels better than any other man around him because he’s got the hottest chick. He doesn’t even notice the derision he draws from others for being a slave in turn to her every whim and mood.

What do dominant men—real dominant men—dream about in the secrecy of their hearts? Again, this is not a question that is easily answered. The minds, let alone the hearts of such rare individuals are difficult to fathom, and almost impossible for a submissive female to understand, but I have noticed a few small things. One is that above all else they love control and power over others, but in particular over members of the sex they prefer (if they have a preference). If they are wise and experienced, they understand well how others’ responses to her beauty corrupts and spoils a woman, making her useless as a servant (at least at the moment, when she’s drunk on her own good looks and the power those bring her). They see straight through her false modesty to the vain little girl playing with “slavery” because she wants another feather to add to her cap, not because she has any sincere desire to submit completely to the will of another. In addition to vanity, they see how such women have bought the propaganda about “female equals superior” and how they believe their confused opinions, half-baked skills, and immature emotional sets are truly all the very best females have to offer. They are most certainly attracted by the young woman’s allure, but if her would-be Master is the least bit pragmatic and honest, he understands the slim-to-zero chance of her being anything worth owning over the long run. A beautiful woman, unless she has been completely isolated from everything this culture tells women about their power and “superiority,” will likely be so spoiled inside that she is nearly useless to anyone but herself, and certainly the opposite of what constitutes a good slave in the home. A man who cannot see through the glamour of her physical appearance and glimpse her actual soul: her deepest motivations and dreams, is not a man I would call a Master…he’s a potential tool, and little more than that.

I am not anti-beauty or bitter toward younger women, however much it may sound like it. I just know what it is like, intimately. I wasn’t an ugly duckling in my youth, young adulthood, or even middle adulthood. I frequently experienced that heady and vanity-driven rush of being among the more beautiful women in any gathering I found myself in. (Luckily, I came of age in a time when feminism wasn’t so entrenched so I missed the whole nonsensical “Females Are Great Simply Because They Have Vaginas” propaganda.) I grew used to being told I was the most beautiful woman a given man had ever seen, used to heads turning to watch me when I entered a public space, used to strange men bursting out in song when I entered an elevator with them or serenading me outside my dorm room door for weeks, or doing other things to catch my attention. I also wanted to be a slave to a man back then and I felt despair at ever achieving that dream because so many men responded to me like anything but. I wanted to be taken and used by a powerful man, and all I saw were puppy dogs trying every cute trick in the book they could think of to attract my attention. It was all so much the opposite of what I needed that I almost came to believe my secret fantasies were false and no man of the type I dreamed about at night existed.

I also came to believe the only reason any man would ever find me attractive was due to my looks, not to anything I was, intrinsically.

I also came to believe the only reason any man would ever find me attractive was due to my looks, not to anything I was, intrinsically. If there is any tragic aspect to beauty, it is this: not objectification per se, but a total reduction of your entire human self down to one tiny facet: your physical appearance—and a secret belief that you have nothing else to offer, that anything else you are is fairly unimportant. It is very hard to honestly assess your actual qualities, good and bad, when you’re drunk on your own attractiveness, because that is all you see.

A wise man, if I may be so bold as to speak of such things, understands the effects beauty has on a woman. Her beauty will in fact make it harder for her to pass his censors and suspicions, rather than easier, because it so often goes hand in hand with cluelessness about the giving, selfless emotional reliability of a humbled female. It is very hard for a beauty to believe that anyone could possibly resist her, but if anyone can, it will be a man used to keeping women. In order for a beautiful woman to submit, she needs to learn that her looks, nice as they are, are only the beginning of what she needs to be pleasing. If she doesn’t have the rest of the package or the potential to acquire the attitudes, wisdom, and understanding that accompany genuine submissiveness, her looks are useless and a waste to an authentically dominant man. Sometimes learning that lesson, that there is at least one man out there whom she wants but who is completely able to resist her charms, starts an attractive woman on the path to finding out what attracts those men she is mysteriously drawn to. “Why does he reject me when he has that ugly old hag as his slave? Surely he can’t be satisfied with THAT? What does she have that I don’t have?” If the beautiful brat can ask that last question sincerely, without assuming that the answer is, “Nothing—I am far greater than her in all qualities,” she might be able to learn something useful. Until she realizes that some men really do value other things higher than feminine beauty and that she cannot trump all cards with her looks, the attractive woman, even with submissive potential, is lost in a limbo partially of her own making. Its an insidious place to be in if you really need to serve and worship a man.

I was lucky in my first encounter with enslavement to have met a master who liked me, deeply, without ever seeing a single photo of me for the first four-six weeks after we met online. That early, “no face” correspondence gave me hope that maybe there was something to me besides my face that someone I found deeply attractive could like. I was lucky the second time around, too. While I was in the exact opposite situation: ugly now to the point of hideousness (due to lifestyle as much as aging), my second and last master still liked my basic personality enough to give me a chance. I also talked to him “faceless” for a couple of weeks, and when the time came to show him some images of myself, I felt deep despair. I was sure a man as hot and controlling as him would not be able to bear the sight of someone as ugly as me. But he surprised me: he still found something of value in me despite my ugliness, and gave me a chance. He has dictated that I change my lifestyle and become more attractive for him, and I have loved doing that for him. While I know I’ll never approach one-tenth the beauty I had in my youth, I feel that someday I’ll be passable, rather than something you cringe and want to look away from. At least I’ll be like that for a few years, until age robs me of even that. But unless dementia looms, age won’t be able to rob me of what I know about my abilities to be a good slave for someone.

Desire is a very strange thing. In some situations it can totally blind us. In other situations it is the guide that pulls us inexorably and truthfully along the paths we must follow in order to feel complete. What you dream about in the secrecy of your heart can tell you a lot about yourself as well as how to go about getting what you want. What your dreams cannot tell you, however, is whether this most cherished thing is genuinely worth having. Unless you are wise enough to follow the advice of others (and wise enough to know whose advice to follow and whose to ignore) you cannot know whether your cherished dream is worth obtaining. Instead, you usually must actually obtain your heart’s desire…and then see what happens. Doing this is often costly, most often in time, but you also pay other prices. Those men who have obtained a beautiful woman’s attention are relatively plentiful and can probably tell you whether it was worth the cost or not. After hearing several accounts, you can then make up your own mind. Those who have obtained the complete love and slavish devotion of a woman, although much rarer, can tell you something similar—assuming you can find them. If you do find one, my advice would be to listen to what they have to say, very carefully.

____________________

© 2005-2014 Humbled Females

August 7, 2011

The Vitruvian Woman

By Marc Esadrian

Marcus Vitruvius Pollio (80–15 BC) was an artilleryman, writer, architect, and engineer in the age of Roman antiquity. Celebrated as one of Rome’s first published engineers, Virtruvius described how he saw architecture, ideally, as an imitation of things found in nature. Through all his writings, he is most famous for his three laws of architecture in his book, De Architectura, which asserts that a structure must possess three important qualities: firmitas, utilitas, and venustus. In other words, a building must be solid, useful, and beautiful to be of the utmost worth and utility.

It’s no surprise such philosophy is still followed by architects today, though not necessarily all. Certainly, there are exceptions that transgress Marcus Vitruvius’s laws, such as Frank Lloyd Wright’s Fallingwater Residence in Pennsylvania. Built partly over a natural waterfall, the home, while aesthetically pleasing, has suffered deep structural flaws since its inception. The visual idea was understandably neat, but the practicality of the structure’s deflected concrete projections became all too quickly a concern during its first stages of construction. Building a concrete structure directly over the water presented a fairly serious humidity problem as well, particularly in regard to the roofing material, which collected condensation from the mists of falling water below.

The John Hancock Tower in Boston, a sixty-story marvel built by I. M. Pei, might serve as another example of structure sacrificed for the ideal of beauty, and thus, in conflict with Vitruvius’s tenets. It is, perhaps, well known how contemporary architecture idealizes narrow, glass-like structures, but the zealous implementation of such an ideal in this tower became deadly. Its bowed walls, nauseating sway and falling glass panes cost Pei’s firm 175 million dollars to fix and years of delay in completing the building.

There are many prevailing examples of sound architectural structures, of course, some of them ancient. The Pantheon in Rome, intended as a temple of all gods, continues to be used today in a state of perfect preservation for worship. The Kukulcán Mayan temple, El Castillo on the site of Chichén Itzá, with its 365 steps, still stands today as an exemplar of Mayan ingenuity, design, and comprehension of time. The Château de Versailles, Louis XIV’s masterpiece (also known as Palace of Versailles), was an opulent home for French nobility during the seventeenth century. Visitors can now tour its many intrigues, such as the Hall of Mirrors and its many beautifully manicured courtyards and gardens. Built from 1506 to 1626, St. Peter’s Basilica in Vatican City is the largest church in the world. This gargantuan building’s celebrated dome was designed and built by Michelangelo himself.

Modern marvels abound, too. The structural and decorative latticework of steel beams making up Herzog & de Meuron’s Beijing’s National Stadium, otherwise known as “the nest,” is a visual and structural wonder to behold. The elegance and beauty of Durrat Al Bahrain’s urban designs in the blue waters of the Bahraini seas makes it the most unique and striking island city in the world. The Shard in London towers above the surrounding historic architecture as an elegant and striking vision of the future, offering 40-mile views of the skyline at its dagger peak.

There are, of course, many more structures the modern world has to offer—far too many to mention—that heed the three basic principles Vitruvius put forth centuries ago. They are a testament to the wisdom of forming things with sound planning, purpose, and form.

When considering the laws of architecture and the natural appeal organic curves have to the human aesthetic, we can easily see why the beauty of women has inspired more than one visionary (Brazilian architect Oscar Niemeyer, for example), but what of the woman, the source of that inspiration, herself? Can a parallel be found with Vitruvius’s standards in measuring her quality and worth—particularly in her submission—as it relates to the strength of her disposition, the validity of her service, and her outward aesthetic qualities? Let us consider the three standards, to find philosophic parallels with Vitruvius’s laws of architecture within the submissive woman herself.

She must have the heart of a willing slave—the spirit of a woman who truly yields her mind, body and spirit to the strength and guidance of the man who leads her. Only then can she be said to possess firmitas.

Firmitas
First, a woman must be of sound mind and body before undertaking the demanding role of submission to the man in her life. In this regard, a skeleton of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is worth review. For the most basic physiological functions, she must have food, water, sleep and shelter. Above this, she must have safety and good health. Further still, a sense of purpose and belonging, and enough confidence to see her usefulness in order to offer it. Finally and most importantly, comes the notion of self-actualization in her submission, the process of knowing it is the right path for her to make peace with herself. This tip of the pyramid, so to speak, is the most crucial in her service to him and where most of the qualities of firmitas will be found, as it speaks to her disposition and understanding of submission. Is she unshakable in her desire to serve? Does she embrace the path of submission to the man she loves, free of unexamined doubt or desire? Does she find a deep fulfillment in serving, or is it merely a means to another end? Will her foundation stand the test of ongoing service to her Master? Is she capable of reliably plying her feminine ego toward finding sole approval and validation in the pleasure of her master?

For her servitude to be strong and dependable, it must be felt and offered with sincere conviction, motivated not only by the external (the master), but the internal (a drive to serve and please that reaches to her innermost core). She must have the heart of a willing slave—the spirit of a woman who truly yields her mind, body and spirit to the strength and guidance of the man who leads her. Only then can she be said to possess firmitas.

Utilitas
What worth does submission have if it does not provide function and commodity to enrich and improve the life of the one served? What real service lies only in a sensual veneer? The humbled female does not complacently offer her sexual charms with the notion these alone will suffice; she prostrates physically—and metaphysically—before her man, relinquishing her flesh and attuning her mind for his ultimate use and possession, and she does so with consuming desire. She knows submission isn’t merely erecting delicate staging with a pretty facade for surface pleasures. Just as it would be inadequate to build a structure with no discernible purpose, so too is a woman’s servitude meaningless if it stands as little more than sensual affectation.

Giving of her body for pleasure and breeding, tending to daily responsibilities such as cooking, cleaning the household and earning income (if allowed), when given unconditionally for the sole use and advantage of her Master, are the marks of a real and tangible benefit to submission.

Venustus
The beauty of the feminine has been celebrated, honed and sought after since time out of mind, and the reason is obvious: female beauty is, naturally, a great source of pleasure to males. From a purely biological perspective, the woman’s body is a testament to the harmony of functionality and form: her body is designed to attract and entice, thus fulfilling her reproductive purpose. The mating imperative alone naturally entices women to embrace their visual appeal in order to attract mates. While humans make use of physical attractiveness (and sexuality in general) for a host of other purposes in society, sex appeal’s primary purpose is plain enough to see. Since giving pleasure is a great part of submission, it only makes sense for women to pay attention to their bodies, to care for them and shape them to be pleasing to the eyes of those they would serve.

That aside, the question in regards to servitude still remains: is beauty really all that important? Regardless of aesthetics, a woman is, of course, still a good servant if her conviction and loyalty is strong and her service remains fruitful. These first two principles, strength and utility, are easy to see as valuable. Beauty, however, may be considered to be of lesser importance, but just as architecture does not stop with the foundation and plumbing, so too should the woman value her outer appearance.  Her aesthetic lends elegance and pleasure to the former qualities, and thus enhances her service. A woman who abandons care of her body abandons the delight her natural beauty brings; it behooves her to guard and maintain it, so as to enrich her service, overall.

We have looked at three qualities in a woman that allow her submission to stand the test of time and trial in service. First, she must be strong. This isn’t merely a matter of physical health, but of resolve, accountability and actualization in the fulfillment submission brings to her. Second, she must bring advantage and commodity in her service; there is no value in a facade of submission—an ephemeral gift that only serves the giver. If her service adds to the pleasure and gain of the one she serves, it is more than sensual affectation. Third, she must compliment these good traits with her physical aesthetic so as to make herself pleasing to the eye.

Considering how easily Vitruvius’s laws can be paralleled to three of the most vital components in a woman’s service, it would seem his standards make a generally good and easy to remember philosophic guide by which to judge not only physical structures, but the intangible qualities of ideal servitude. While there is much more to discuss in terms of the depth of quality submission, strength of conviction, usefulness of service and beauty of form certainly cover the most vital parts.

Note about the art: the Vitruvian Man, from which this art is derived, correlates ideal human proportions, not only with geometry, but with the workings of the Universe itself. It represents Vitruvius’s “Canon of Proportions,” and was drawn by Leonardo da Vinci, circa 1487.

____________________

© 2005-2014 Humbled Females